i love being a mother so much that when i try to capture it with words nothing satisfies me. i am typing one handed now so that i may soothe him. this is my new life and i love it.
if you had asked my at 38 weeks pregnant or a week or two after giving birth about having another baby i would have sighed just thinking about it. the tail end and very beginning of the process are so taxing that you wonder how anyone does it more than once. i never ever questioned having more children, that was always a given but i wasnt looking forward to going through it all again. well, this procreation wins in the end because once i started finding my groove just a couple of weeks after meeting my newborn i was ready to do it 10 more times. my husband has been adamant that 2 and then we will see about a third is his hard stance. more recently in fact he tried to say we would see about the second but after seeing how unacceptable and deceptive i found that he came around. when he knew going in that children were my biggest dream and priority for the future. i would never forgive him if we couldnt try for at least one more. if i had my way we would have 2 maybe even 3 more. who knows, perhaps he will be open to a third crack at it when i am 40 and my eggs are about to come off the shelf for good. he is still a boy in many ways, so young and attached to his selfishness the way that i was at his age. perhaps that will change as he ages. i do know one thing: he adores his son.
So one more crack at it is my guanrantee from him. since i am not a person who takes such promises lightly or puts my faith in words alone i am working hard to think about the financial and logistical planning that will help with little sibling. i have found ways already to cut costs on insurance and groceries. i am open to using a midwife for my second birth which can be much less than insurance. i am also working hard to get my body back. this is two pronged
1) i want to be healthy for that second pregnancy. being pregnant can do a number on a womans health and stamina. this is why they usually recommend at least 18 months between pregnancies.
2) i want to be sexy for myself and for my husband. not only will this make TTC more fun but it will show him that my being a mother one (or two or three) more times wont mean i will let myself go.
As for that 18 months, well, the original plan was to try for one more when our son was a year old because we dont know how hard it will be the next time around and i am nor getting any younger. this has now changed. i just feel that my son deserves a bit more time than that. he would still be so little and i would be pregnant and unable to give him all the mothering i want to. i also think that we have financial challenges but that is not something that i would ever put over having a child or waste time for. money comes and goes but fertility is limited. so the plan now is to wait until my 37th birthday or around his 2nd birthday. this is a decision i made for our baby boy. he is worth risking another year of good eggs going bye bye.
i hope and pray that when the time comes we will be able to conceive a healthy baby brother or sister for our son. as for the sex, it really doesnt matter to me. i might be a little bit curious what it would be like to have a daughter and wonder what kind of baby girl we might make together but i do not need to have a girl to be happy. if i am meant to be the mother of sons and only sons i will carry that with honor. all babies are an amazing gift.
my next entries will include details about my sons birth and life with my son. i am hoping to stay caught up on here. this blog is very special to me because it is a firm reminder of this beautiful blessing.
