Let down and hangin around...

Okay I'll admit it, I really did think it would be that easy again. I thought I was pregnant and we were going to be celebrating a baby this month. I told myself I was cool abut the whole thing but then I was doing one of my routine CM checks and found spotting. That was 3 days ago. Day before yesterday it turned to heavy period and the devisyation and worry set in. I think one of the things that made it hit harder is the fact that I had another crappy cycle with a super short luteal phase. I think I am going to skip the B complex this cycle. I also think I need to cut back more on nursing. I sure hope I don't have to cut back entirely but as it stands I need to stop letting my son suckle endlessly, particularly at night because I think that's having and effect. I'm also having a very painful period. Lots of bad cramping can be felt in my back abdomen, sides and even in my left calf. I worry about hormonal imbalances, I worry about cysts or uterine fibroids. I worry about kidney infections. I worry about high FSH and low amh. I worry about my age. I worry about financial or situation things  getting my husband to jump off the wagon that I worked so hard to get him on. I worry about money. I stress. I worry about worry.

Clearly I need to overhaul a few things in order to help myself get to a better place. Here is my list:

Improve diet. Less sugar more smoothies and veggies and whole grains.

Improve sleep. This is a hard one but a big one. I need to sleep better and more often.

Less stress. Try meditation, exercise, breathing techniques, acupuncture, warm baths with salts, spa Hot tub, fertility yoga, laughter, aroma therapy.

Improve finances : start really buckling down on spending. Sock away little bits of money. Stop eating out as much. Try to sell things or get work babysitting or doing odd jobs. Get back on a strict meal plan. Cook and freeze meals.

Enjoy life and what I have now. Learn to be patient and have faith. I may consider some eastern religion even. I need to make sure I  am enjoying the moment and not sweating the small stuff. I WILL give Tor a sibling! One way or another I ell make it happen. In the meantime I need to appreciate the gift that is my family.

Spotting and Cramping and bitching OH MY

It's hard not to have my hopes up still as I google implantation bleeding and feel all of these ONS like symptoms which are not typical for me but deep down I know what's happening. I'm getting another early period with another super short luteal phase. Not being pregnant this month is very disappointing but the most disappointing part is that it might also include a short luteal phase with a lot of spotting before my period. I worry about hormonal issues keeping my baby dream at bay for a while. I'm being a spoiled baby I know. I had it so easy with Tor. I need I try to just enjoy my little bit and stop stressing out and obsessing but it's hard. Part of me feels like if it doesn't happen soon in gonna meet resistance from my husband again. I don't see that happening though at this point so ill try to keep faith. I wish I could be a o with the flow type of person.

EGG

Well yesterday I got my first official TTC egg on my monitor. I also got a negative OPK after a positive the afternoon of the 17th so I am hoping we timing things right. It seems like we got O-3, O-2, and O-1 but we may have gotten O-2 as our last date because I got another egg today but another negative OPK. Time will tell. I was gonna push the issue and we may DTD today but I honestly feel like yesterday would have been the only potential and that's so since passed so I'm not gonna push for it. My husband has already informed me that I am now pregnant. I feel kind of like I am too but of course I feel nervous admitting that. Like I might jinx it. As if I have that much control over the outcome hahaha. My CM was good this month and I ovulated seemingly on day 17 which is so much nicer than day 20 or 21 which was happening before. I'm wondering if the B Complex I started taking last month along with afternoon weaning this month has helped. I have also been sleeping a bit better.

So now we wait. I think I may start testing around the 30th or 31st but its temping not to go sooner. I'm already analyzing pulling and twinges which I know are only in my head. I'm nervous about my progesterone and my LP because I got my friend at 8DPO last month which is not conducive to pregnancy.

Then there's my head. Deep down I want another lucky miracle baby on our first try the most. I would love to start my journey and know it will happen.  I want to be done with the stress of TTC and TI and all that it entails.

Another part of me is nervous because I'm scared to be pregnant with a toddler. Giving up my body again and my freedom to eat and drink and run and be nuts with abandon is hard. I am not a relaxed pregnant person. I wish I could be the pregnant woman who can eat sushi, drink lattes and run marathons sometimes but that will never be me. Once I am pregnant I will be nervous until we do an ultrasound and then nervous until we get out of the first trimester.

So there are reasons to be happy on both sides. Mostly I just want this! But I know getting pregnant on the first month is highly unlikely. Especially twice! So I made plans to have girls only drinks and sushi with a friend if I get my period. From there we can move on and I just pray that within the next 6 months we get pregnant! Here's hoping!!!!

OBSESSED

I'm here on CD9 and I am just losing my mind with impatience!!! I wish that I could live on the moment more and not be so obsessive and insane about this. I keep hog in back and fourth in my head. Worried it will be hard this time. A twinge of fear of starting it all over as well. Mostly I just want to be pregnant again so I know that I can conceive and them hopefully have a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy little baby. That would be ideal. I would love to be a first month girl. But I know that's not a super realistic thing . So iVe made a little list of things to console me should I not get pregnant this month (or consecutive months). Here is my list:

MORE UNDIVIDED TIME WITH MY SON

As much as I want a sibling for my son I am also a bit sad to see him lose my focus. I know he will adore having a sibling and I will love the dynamic between the two but it does help to think that each month I don't get pregnant will be another month just he and I where I can lift him with abandon and just be all about him.

MORE TIME BETWEEN CHILDREN MEANS MORE TIME WITH A CHILD AT HOME

Okay so this one is a bit babyish on my part I know but I am so sad at the thought that this will all be over someday and my babies will leave me. I know I have 17 years or so but realistically my son will probably begin to pull away at 12 or sooner so that's maybe 10 years. Then that's 12 from now with a new baby. So each month that passes means more time with a child in my life. Knocking them out too close means you kind of have to watch them fly away at the same time virtually.

MORE TIME TO ENJOY BEING SONEWHAT CAREFREE

I will have to be a bit careful during times when I might be pregnant but in general I will be able to continue to be wild with my body and eat and drink things I like. Fling my son around. We can go hiking. Pregnancy can be a precarious thing and I am not the type who can take chances. For me it would mean a lot more caution in my step.

MORE TIME TO PREPARE

Mentally, emotionally and physically I can get myself more ready for another pregnancy and baby.

ENJOY THE MOMENT

I can try to really enjoy this time instead of being wrapped up in all that is ahead

Naturally I have fears if it takes a while. I'll worry about my fertility and my dream of being a mother again and having a sibling for Tor might feel threatened. I'll worry about getting older and Tor getting too old to be close with his sibling. I'll worry about the toll it might take on my husband and still having to work overtime to keep him on board. I know he won't be willing to go the extra mile of adoption or IVF so our conceiving naturally will be important.

That said I also stay positive by reminding myself how good my life has turned out.  I HAVE A CHILD! He is perfect in every way and so many will never be so lucky . I also have a wonderful husband who I love and  enjoy. He drives me nuts sometimes but in the end he really is my best friend and someone I to cant live without. I get to grow old with him and we get to have many chapter together even beyond children I hope, we get to be in love and have love in our lives. I don't want to be a mother of just one and I don't like the only child idea for my life but I also can't deny the good fortune I have or lose sight of that. There is too much good in my life.

The Clock strikes Twice

A LOT has happened since my last post so very long ago.  First of all a I have said in past posts but couldn't have even mildly captured the amazing love that is having my son. It is a love like nothing I have ever known before. It has changed me forever and made me whole. It has made me a woman.

Not long after my son was born my husband had some doubts about a second child and I mourned this and was not sure we would survive it. I knew that I needed the chance to be a mother at least once more and to give me son a sibling. It took many months of pain an fighting and crying but as my husbands bond with our son grew he became more and more willing to have another child. I never relented in my desires.

I am happy to say that as of last summer we decided to have another child and this month is the month that we will start trying to make that dream a reality.

I'm very nervous. It was fortuitous and with ease that my son came to us. Now it's much more of a plan. Since givin birth my cycles have been a bit off. 32 days instead of 29 with a 10 day luteal phase instead of a 12-14 day one. My last cycle was only 26 days with an 8 day phase. I was taking a B complex vitamin that got me to ovulate on day 18 last month instead of 20 or 21 but 8 days is worse than 10. I think I may still give the B complex another shot this month.

On top of the changes in cycle there is the fact that I am still nursing my son. We are currently weaning him for 7 hours in the afternoon. Hopefully this will help balance my hormones a long with improving my diet, exercise meditation. I need to work on stress and sleep. In the back of my mind I always feel a bit of concern regarding my AMH test from a two years ago. I was 34 then and I am 36 now. Is my AMH lower now or fsh higher? Are my eggs okay? I can't worry about it though. All we can do is try and pray. I know people with high AMH who have conceived and I know people in their late 30s and even 40s who have conceived rather quickly. I'm willing to try clomid or IUI or anything we can afford. We shall see. I hope my husband is willing too. I hope his loyalty to this doesn't waiver. I hope we can have and maintain at least one more healthy pregnancy and birth. At least one more healthy beautiful child to love and to be a companion for our sweet son.

Time  will tell. In about 10-12 days we can begin to try.