A Christmas to remember

So I may not have mentioned this before but this summer my sister talked about trying for a baby. I was so ridiculously excited at the thought that she and I might be able to be pregnant together. To share a pregnancy with a sister I am so close to (and whom we were not sure would get a chance at this) seemed amazing. Unfortunately a lot of thins and into play and made it something she had to push back. Well.....

IM GOING TO BE AN AUNT! And my children are going to have a cousin who is only 5 months younger than my youngest!!! It's truly amazing and I must say a visit that was seeming stressful turned glorious. And I couldn't sleep from the excitement so I'm a wreck but it was wonderful. I'm so crazy excited.

She is due around August 21st based on her hcg levels and her LMP.

'twas the night before solstice

It's pouring out and I am lying next to my sweet 2 year old as I write. Today we will brave the rain to drive up to Washigton state to see my parents and my sister who is in town for 3 days. It's exciting to think of all of us together especially since my parents will meet her husband whom she married last year for the first time. They also haven't seem their grandson in a year so that will be special too.

On top of all that I am pregnant with probably my last baby so it's Nice to be able to share that with them. The pregnancy has been going swimmingly since my little post thanksgiving scare. No bleeding. I have been having a lot of Braxton hicks contractions though so drinking a lot of water and staying well fed and rested are important.

As far as seeing everyone I am trying to manage my expectations. I love my sister but her MO of late has been a bit on the self centered side. She didn't make much time to see me the last two times I was in New York City and in general can be a bit lazy. It's too bad because we are making a great effort to see them and spendind money but in the end I love and miss her so much that I'm trying to remind myself even a short time will be worth it. Plus we will get to see my folks as well. I'm a bit worried with them too that they will only make the effort one day and then just sleep all day the next morning because I have little faith that they have turned their hours around despite having months to do so. My dad has been hard at work on a special room for us but but he still could have done it during different hours. He isn't one for discipline or change though and my poor mother is usually just deferring to him. I think Beverly D'angelo said it best : its Christmas we are all miserable! In jest of purse because I'm sure we will still manage to have a nice time. I do have to manage my expectations though with this group. Ah family!

The main thing I need to do is keep stress low and enjoy my immediate family including this sweet little girl growing in my belly. It's all going so fast and I don't want to miss the big picture for the small. Next Christmas I plan to do ZERO traveling! The world can come to me!!!

Dear daughter I love you! Please be well!

I am having some very mild spotting. After a strenuous week that involved turkey wrangling, cooking an entire feast, Christmas tree wrangling and general go go go I am feeling a bit remorsful as I experience this. The spotting is very light pinkish brown with once teensy tiny brownish red clot. I immediately found a strong heartbeat and have been getting kicks here are there which is reassuring. I also have experienced no cramping. I have a strong urgency to pee and some pressure but that's not exactly new. I didn't have any spotting at all with my son so I think that's what makes this so nerve wracking. So now my dear daughter I'm going to tell you this:

Hold on little girl! I know that most likely you are alright in there and you will be born healthy and happy in a few months but I want you to know how much you already mean to me. This scare has really hammered it home. You are my child, my beautiful baby and I will do anything I can from today and forever to keep you safe. I will take it more slowly and work on being more aware of you in my daily activities. I took things for granted and for that I am so sorry. So please baby girl let everything be alright.

I'm now feeling more like I can't wait for us to get to 37-40 weeks so I can have you here safe and healthy in my arms. I love you!

Blissing out right now and halfway through

As I cuddle my sleeping son I can feel my baby girl kicking me. I have the sleep sheep on the rain setting right now and I feel so at peace. This is such s beautiful moment with my babies and I want to savor it the way I savor all of the family moments when we are together. My belly is pushed against my baby boy so when she kicks she is kicking me and her big brother too. It's very sweet.

Im 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Halfway there. Truth be told I'm feeling pretty big and achy lately. It's hard because I have all of these obligations to my family but I have very little energy to fulfill them with. I'm trying hard though to keep up. Sleep has also been difficult between being pregnant and having a teething toddler who wakes up stirring 2-3 times a night. It was so good for a while but I'm guessing its the molars that have made it rough.

All the same I am incredibly grateful for the beautiful gift that my life is right now. My family are my world and the wonderful blessing that it is to be pregnant with my sweet daughter is almost too much to be true. Life is but a dream. All of this love in my life and good health. I just pray for it to continue and extend out to those who are in need of it as well.

Tiny dancer

I'm 19 weeks the day after tomorrow. almost halfway there! I am ashamed to say that  I can't remember exactly when I started feeling definitive movement with our son. I feel like it was after 20 weeks some time but I can't be sure. With this little girl I am very sure this past week that I am feeling real kicks and its wild! I forgot how amazing it is. It's also a lot more noticeable to me when it happens because my stomach isn't the watched pot it was with my first. With my son I was constantly on high alert but with a toddler to chase after and so much going on this time I can get got off guard by the kicks or my size. That's another big change this last week or so. I feel heavy and huge all of the sudden. I have more than 4 and a half months to go and grow but I'm already feeling a lot of pressure on my bladder and heaviness in my stomach. I am also having back pain earlier this time. I can't be sure but if feels like I may be experiencing Braxton Hick's contractions. I didn't really have those with my first pregnancy but this time I feel down tightening. I'm trying to up my intake of liquids as well as get the proper rest when needed.

In other news we had our anatomy scan last week and I am beyond thrilled to say that our little girl is looking in perfect health! It was such a relief really! Oh and she is definitely a girl. The sonographer said it herself as she showed us her little girl parts and then a bit later she even showed us her little ovaries! It amazes me to think that some of those eggs might be my future grandchildren and they are growing with her inside me now. I also read that she has a uterus now so I have a uterus inside my uterus! Very wild.

I find myself feeling a bizarre mixture of impatience and need to savor the moment. I guess that's what happens when you already have a child. He is my baby and the idea of him not being the baby and getting all of my attention is bitter sweet. I'm hoping it translates to him being closer with his dad and most of all that I am able to find a lot of ways to give him as much attention as possible. I'm so excited to meet this little girl and snuggle her but the impatience mostly comes from just wanting to get her here healthy and happy. Pregnancy is so beautiful but it's also a vulnerable state. So is parenting but its easier to keep an eye on your child when they are right there looking at you. Other than that I am in no rush. I am savoring this time with my son, more time with my husband, more time for me and what will most likely be my last pregnancy. So far I have been surprisingly good about taking photos and I even got her her own baby book. It's very special because its made by Susan Branch. To me Susan and her books epitomize girly. They are beautifully water colored with amazing recipes, comforting sayings and crafts all throughout. I gave my sister one when she was having a particularly hard to in the late spring. They mean a lot to me. I get very excited about the idea of sharing these sorts of things with my daughter. I will share them with my son as well and I love trying to be that sort of mother who cooks ad decorates but I can already tell that my son is very wild. We did get him a dollhouse today. My husband found it when a woman was about to throw it out. It's exquisite and he really loves it. More than anything he just likes to push open and shut the windows or push his little figurines through the doors but its delightful to see. It also made me fall more in love with my husband to see how much he was thinking of our son and how excited he was. It's not a small dollhouse and usually he is so adamant that we dot bring big things in the house. It was sweet. The dollhouse though is really the only girly persuasion my son has. He is super affectionate and plays with his dolls a bit but mostly he loves trucks and cars and planes and very boyish toys. He has been such a sweetheart lately its been really fun. I understand that my little girl may end up even less interested in girlish things than I am but I do think her being a girl puts the odds slightly more in my favor. We shall see. If not then its lucky that I do love boyish things as well. While she is little though ill enjoy making her girly in all the ways that I enjoy! Girly with an edge!

15 weeks tomorrow!

Technically I was a quarter of the way through this pregnancy at 10 weeks and ill be halfway through next month at 20 but If you think about it those first four weeks ( or 3 and a half at least) you have no idea you're even pregnant! So in terms of the actual time I've been pregnant I'm just past that mark. I do feel lucky to know that I will truly be halfway through the wait at 20 weeks, give or take a week since I went over with my son and fully expect to go over with this baby girl as well. I'm not excited about that prospect but at least a bit more prepared and I will have my son to keep me occupied as well. I'm hoping to make that a time for enjoying our last days just the three of us (well four with our kitty).

Speaking of birth I am thinking a lot about that today. I truly wish I hadn't required induction with my son. I would love to avoid it this time of possible but I am also not keen on going over much more than a week or so this pregnancy. I'd rather get her out and know the placenta or fluid levels haven't been at a compromised. I'm also a lot less concerned about a natural birth. I'm convinced that my epidural is what helped me progress and I've heard multiple stories of women being denied epidural or not getting it and finally they opt for a c section because they aren't progressing and it's too painful and stressful for them and the baby. Older women are generally supposed to have a harder time going into labor on our own or progressing so it makes sense. I'm just praying for the most healthy birth I can have for both my daughter and myself. I also do not feel inclined to have a midwife or a water birth at all. My experience was that I didn't enjoy laboring in an upright position or tub as much as lying down. I was surprised by that too.

The fall season is really starting to happen here and I'm so excited. I'm enjoying spending time with my son on our walks. Last weekend we went apple picking and I made homemade apple sauce. I hope to make more. It's hard to believe that we have this season and one more then there will be a whole new person in our lives. Sometimes I think of it an get very nervous but mostly I am so excited and ready for the challenge. I'm so grateful to the universe for giving me this baby. Most likely my final pregnancy and baby, I am trying to enjoy it as much as I can. I am trying to enjoy the present moment. I know that a lot of changes await us. I will have less freedom or ability to get around like I can now. Learning to drive is going to be a huge goal once I get through the newborn days and our life starts to balance out. I'm even open to joining a daycare co op if I can find one nearby that will accept an unpotty trained toddler and a pregnant mommy. We shall see.

Dear Daughter

You are the perfect cherry on the delicious sundae that life has been since your father and I met an fell in love and started our family. I yearned for you with such intensity. As I looked at your beautiful brother my heart filled with the hope that someday I would be lucky enough to be blessed with at least one more miracle and that miracle is you! There is a space in my heart reserved especially for you. You will join your father, kitty brother and big brother in the depths of my love and soul. I thank the heavens for blessing me with you and I promise to always put you and your brother ahead of everything. I will move mountains for you! I will raise you with all of the love and compassion that I have in my heart! I am so excited to meet you. Stay healthy and strong in there. I heard your little heart just minutes ago. It was beating wild horse. You were moving around so much in your last ultrasound. I can tell that you have spunk already. My little Pippi! I wish that I could make you a Pippi painting like the Calvin and Hobbes painting we did for your brother. Perhaps I can convince you father. I love you so much already baby girl! Thank you for blessing my life yet again.

Seeing Pink!

Well we got the most wonderful surprise yesterday: we are having a baby GIRL!

I can't quite believe it and now I can fess up that this indeed was my wish! Above all healthy baby! And that she is coming in as lowest level of risk for downs and other abnormalities. That was truly the best news but the icing on the cake is made of sweet baby girl dust! Our son will have a baby sister in his life to help him along with myself up understand women, be sensitive and keep his soft side. Part of me can't believe it even though the blood test is 99% accurate! How can we be so blessed?

I'll work on composing a letter to you sweet little girl! Momma Dadda and Big brother love you and any wait to meet you!

Been a long time

I am doing very well! I am 12 weeks pregnant today and saw a very active sweet little fetus dancing around in my tummy last week. Sickness went from rough to hardly at all startin at around 11 weeks or so (seemed to coincide with cooler weather) and we came out to the public today. It now really feels real! We are having a second sweet baby. It's such an amazing blessing. Our son will be 2 on Sunday and today was his due date. My husband just got a wonderful new job and things just feel glorious these days. I can only enjoy it and pray it continues.

We got a blood test done last Friday that will not only test for all genetic conditions but will tell us our new little baby's sex. I would be in complete and utter shock if this baby were not a boy. Despite more sickness this time than last I am firm in the team blue camp as far as intuition goes. I would be over the moon in equal proportions if I found out I was to have a daughter but my soul sees two little boys. Initially I was a bit sad thinking of that saying "a son is a son till he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life" then I realized that that's simply not true! I know sons who are immensely close to their mothers and daughters who barely speak to their mothers. On both sides there can be closeness or tension. I do think seeing a daughter possibly play dress up in my wedding dress or have her own baby grow inside her would be magical but I also love the idea of my boys! Big young men who will protect their momma someday and strong masculine energy. I grew up with very little masculine energy in my life so it's refreshing. I played Barbies and princesses with my sister. I got to have the girly experience, including the fights. So it will be amazing to see the other side of that. We went blueberry picking yesterday and the woman who ran the farm was telling us about her four strapping grandsons. They all come back to the farm often. They love it there and they want to someday end up there. They are all also super close with each other. It made me smile. I have a lot of hope that my boys will be close with my husband and I, their grandparents and each other their whole lives. In the end the sex of the child doesn't determine that. I think a welcoming supportive and happy home life could help though.

So now we wait! I am just excited to know so I can start envisioning my life with two beautiful boys or a sweet boy and baby girl. I think I know which it will be but you never truly know until you know. And a healthy baby truly is my only wish!

Be still my stomach and baby in the belly!

Today I am 7 weeks and 6 days and its the worst day for persistent morning sickness I have been having. I had some mild sickness here and there with my son particularly when I was in Colorado but this time it's my main symptom. It's so hard. I am so happy to be pregnant! Over the moon but this pregnancy has been a lot harder on me so  far. The sickness is everyday. It will come and go occasionally and I only threw up twice but the sickness is there. That and general exhaustion early pregnancy are really takin their toll on me. It's also been consistently 90 degrees out and I have an almost two year old to chase around. Changing his diapers has been particularly grueling. The smell just makes me dry heave. This has everyone who knows me assuming that I am having a little girl but I just know in my heart that this is another little boy. I can't explain it but I feel his little boy soul! I don't know why but I just KNOW its a boy. So don't be surprised when I say he from now on. It's just one of those things. If I'm wrong I'm sorry little girl! You just came to my subconscious as a boy. I'm not wrong though.

Without further ado here is my ultrasound photo from last week. We saw the baby's heartbeat and everything looked wonderful. Our next ultrasound is on September 2nd (my sons due date!) and we will get bloodwork done that will tell us baby is healthy and confirm the sex within a week or so!

copacetic

well my betas came in and they were excellent! They more than doubled from 200 to 500. I stop spotting entirely. I feel really good about this pregnancy now. It's such a blessing, such an amazing and wonderfulgift to be pregnant again.

as far as the pregnancy I'm not feeling much different than I did last time so far at least. I have a very strong suspicion that this is another boy and while I am a bit sad I will never have a daughter I am also thrilled at the prospect of my son having a baby brother and having another little baby boy to love. In fact I feel a bit greedy because really what would have made me saddest would be to never have a son. I don't know what it is I just always saw myself with the son. and of course really I know that any child that I had would be the love of my life and make me happy. So only mild nausea and intense exhaustion this time. I can't tell if it's because nursing made me less sensitive but I'm having really no breast tenderness this time.

I have my first ultrasound on july 30th and I'll be 7 weeks then I'm so excited!

um...wow

I don't know if it was weaning fully (my guess) or just living in the moment MORE and feeling grateful but the universe has given me another pregnancy!

Three days ago I started spotting and thought it was over. It was 9 or 10 DPO and I was feeling really out. I was sad to have another short LP and another month go by with no positive. Just because I knew some women spot during pregnancy I took a cheapee wondfo test. I thought I could see the tiniest teeniest shadow of a line but I also thought I might be willing it to mind. My temp had also spiked pretty high the last couple days though so I was curious.

The next morning my temp took a big dip but not below the cover line so I decided to test anyway. This time it was more than a shadow. This time I knew it was positive and a light FRER confirmed it. I was happy to see no spotting when I wiped but when I inspected further there was reddish blood. I was very nervous. That was 10 or 11DPO

Well this morning and yesterday my temp was back up! I am 13 or 14DPO and I am still spotting but it's very light and it has slowed. Feeling cautiously optimistic.

This pregnancy is also very special. Its cycle 7 even though its the first post weaning, the baby will be due St. Paddy's day with an Irish last name, the baby will come when our son is 2 and a half years old which is kind not perfect spacing wise!

I'll be getting blood work tomorrow and Thursday! Feeling very blessed!

No matter what happens...

I am feeling more optimistic about our chances now that I have weaned than I did prior to weaning BUT I feel like its also important that I say;

No matter what happens I am more grateful than anyone on the planet that I have my sweet smart remarkable beautiful son. He is the light of my life and the center of my world. I will do everything in my power to give him a sibling and it will hurt me deeply if I cannot. I won't give up BUT I also won't let t destroy my happiness or my enjoyment of my current family. I won't let myself forget that it would only prove more deeply that he is such a miracle! Such an incredible wonderful kismet gift to my husband and I. What a beautiful good fortune. I am not even close to believing that we wont have another but I do have a list of things that I can focus on if we do not or it takes a good while:

1. Travel. I love to travel. We can't afford it much these days and a second child will make it even harder financially and logistically. It will be much more possible and sooner if we only have our son.

2. My son will get all of me. All of us! I do think a sibling would be wonderful for him too but there is no doubt in my mind that it would also split my focus. We have these wonderful little dates and excursions now that will be much harder upon arrival of a second child or even trough te pregnancy.

3. Enjoying my husband. Sleep and romance have been much easier since our son has grown out of some of the more codependent phases of his life. This would be temporary but would be upset by a new baby for sure.

4. Wanting what you have is better than having what you want. Hopes and desires are okay. Goals can be healthy but overall happiness should never hinge on something that is not in ones power to control. It seeps the joy from life. There is so much that I have now that many would give the world for. Hell I would give the world for it! I may not feel like our family is complete but I do feel that we are a perfect family. I do feel that I am happy.

5. Back to me. This is a hard one because I so love my identity as a mother. I love that nothing will ever take that away from me from here on out but I suppose I would also have a chance to focus more on myself again if things took a long time or didn't happen for us.

Again I am not even close to giving up on my dream for a bigger family. We are still too early in our journey and too much can happen. Life is top short though and I want to make sure I am enjoying and reveling in the beauty of it all. Sometimes I miss that amazing naiveity I had before we started trying for a second. I was so sure it would just happen again. I was so sure and it helped me to really enjoy my life. I want to recapture that.

I am 8DPO (possible 7) and not feeling like I am pregnant this cycle. It's too bad because I would love to be but I am still hopeful for the future. I am also praying for a spotting free 10 day + LP. This is the weird in between time when it's hard to know what might happen there. If I make it to July 5th with no spotting I will be grateful! Here hoping!

Praying for a 2nd miracle

I sit here at the imaging center of the Hosptial where I gave birth to my son. I wish I were here to get an ultrasound of our new baby but instead I'm here to investigate why I that baby is taking a while to conceive. I am getting a pelvic ultrasound to check on the two fibroids that my NYC doctor sighted. Apparently they were not mentioned or noticed at all by my doctors here and that's not typical. I would love to think they they are completely gone or at least have shrunk. That's what I'm hoping. I sat in this room with so much nervous happiness before. I really hope I am not back here again unless I have a healthy little baby to view.

In other news I have weaned my son. This is day 3 and so far it has gone really well. I feel better about it than I thought I would. I feel like we were both ready even though he is just shy of 21 months and my initial plan was to make it to 24. My doctor told me that weaning would be a good idea before doing any kind of a fertility work up.

In addition to this ultrasound I also had bloodwork taken for my thyroid and I had an endometrial biopsy taken on Thursday. The biopsy was taken on the day of ovulation and we didn't hit any other days so pregnancy this month would be a long shot. I got a positive ovulation test on the same day just after the exam but in only last 12 hours or so and my temperature the next morning was really low. I think I either didn't ovulate this month or I ovulated late. Time will tell. Right now I mostly am just hoping for a longer luteal phase. The weaning probably won't have any effect until next cycle if at all. I'm really hoping beyond hope that the nursing was the problem. I'm hoping beyond hope that I am pregnant before this summer ends. I didn't expect to end up here when I started this journey back in January. I hope we can make a sibling for my sweet boy. I hope and pray we can have another child to love. I am forever grateful for my son and feel so lucky to have had a child at all. This hurts though, I won't lie. I feel gutted by the possibility that I may never have another child again. I hope it's not true. Please God! I beg of you!

Full wean is what it could mean

I only nurse my baby boy once a day now. He is 20 months old and that one short nursing session (usually 20 or 30 minutes max) means the world to him. He gets so adorably excited as the time approaches. He runs to his room happily giggling. It's a beautiful and wonderful thing to have with my baby. When people ask me why I won't fully wean him yet this is what comes to mind. I worry that I will fully wean him before we are ready and will still have the same issues getting pregnant. Then I would have rushed my baby out of our special time for nothing! I will wonder if I could have gotten pregnant just fine on my own. I'll wonder if it was worth it. This is the reason that I have decided under no circumstances outside of his willing it will I fully wean my son before he turns 2. I hate the waiting and worrying each month. I continue to have a short luteal phase and late ovulation which worries me. I ovulated on day 21 this month but I also didn't take any vitamins or supplements. To be honest I needed a break after putting so much hope and effort into my last cycle. I'm glad I took it but I will be back on them all for the next cycle. It's 5DPO and I am spotting and cramping badly for me. I need to get my health in line. Drink more water and sleep better. It may just be that my 20 month old isn't ready. I just pray to the heavens that I can have another child! Please god! Please! I know it's only been 5 months but please at least let me have a healthy cycle so that I can stop worrying about my body. Please give me my dream of giving my son a sibling and carrying another healthy pregnancy to term. My heart is so broken right now wondering and we are too broke to go for testing just yet. So for now it's gonna be prayers! Please please please god! Please! And whe you are at it let my sister get pregnant too! Thank you.

NOT PREGNANT

Not even a little bit. Feeling so drained and completely over it right now. It's only month four but the obsessing has been going on a lot longer. Frankly i am feeling like i need a break from the intensity of trying to make this happen. I wont stop entirely but i need to dial it down. I am 10DPO but having dark brown thick clotty blood. So i wont be having a holiday baby. Not only were my instincts wrong but I feel very nervous about my body. My period still hasn't broken through and I am continuing this edit on 12DPO. I am having very heavy dark clotty spotting. I hope this doesn't indicate a problem with my tubes or my fibroids or some sort of blockage like endometriosis. I am very scared of that. I hope this is just my cycle continuing to adjust after cutting back on nursing.

I've decided to take a cycle to just chill out about the whole thing. I really hope I can have another baby. I am starting to seriously worry about the possibility of secondary infertility. Something I never feared before. Hope I'm wrong.

I believe that I am pregnant

Not because of any science really although I did ovulate on CD15 which is when I ovulated with Tor and most of my other cycles. We had really good timing. I've been eating really well, sleeping better, getting exercise, taking my vitex and B6 religiously. I am doing acupuncture once a week and did fertility yoga up until ovulation. I'm a bit nervous to do so in the TWW but I am doing some poses now to help circulation. I just feel like a holiday baby is in our future. Two people who started trying around when I did just got their BFPs and I am going nuts waiting for mine! Not feeling out shadowed though. There is room for us all and I am actually very excited about all the awesome women on the December board. December 25th will be the due date for this baby which is crazy but Tor was late so I've no doubt this one will be too. I'm having all kinds of aches pains in my back and front, bad gas, shortness of breath, foods taste different, exhaustion beyond what is excusable. I am only 5DPO today though. Trying to remember what I experienced with Tor. It's hard aside from sore nipples and implantation spotting at around 11DPO or so. Anyway I won't be able to confirm until Sunday the earliest. It's gonna be a long week but tomorrow is hump day and I am Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!

Sickies, tickies and stickies

Baby boy and I are both sick right now. Some kind of sinus infection that started out with sore throats  and has ended up in post nasal drip. I am thankful that this didn't come up around ovulation time but it has been very hard on my sleep and health. Night weaning has also been harder. The first 3 nights went fairly smooth but last night was disaterous. He stirred and cried all night long. I finally had to give in and feed him but I tried to do so for a short time till morning. Then I skipped his second morning feed. I really didn't want him to dehydrate from all that crying. He refused everything I offer including water. I'm hoping for a better night tonight. I am going to try feeding him in a warm bath again because that worked well night before last. I also need to make sure he gets his Motrin for teeth pain. Last night he didn't swallow it all and I didn't want to accidentally OD him so I just had to let it be. Tonight I will be more careful he swallows the full dose. 

I really hope all of this sickness and lack of sleep won't harm my cycle this month. All I can do is try my best. I must be honest I am starting to really worry that this will be more than just a prolactin issue. The fact that I haven't seen much of an increase in my LP despite the B6 and vitex. Wondering if it would be smart to increase the B6 before ovulation. I've heard it can delay it somewhat but in my case it seems to be making me ovulate earlier. I'm gonna try upping it. 

I've also added a baby aspirin for my lining. I'll avoid it around ovulation but then use it just after to help thin the blood. 

I also have acupuncture tomorrow. It's super affordable here in Portland. I'm not sure when I did it last time I got pregnant but I feel like it can't hurt. I hope I won't need an HSG in order to get pregnant but if I do then that's the route I will go.  It may have helped to clear my tubes. I also want to try more missionary and softcups. Make sure my husband is not hindering things by urinating before sex or using anything on himself. I don't want to have that conversation with him but if I must, I must. I know for a fact we were in missionary when we conceived our son. So I will push harder for that. 

I hate all of this TTC business. It's stressful and not fun after a few months. I hate the uncertainty. I hate not knowing why it's not happened yet. I am going insane with supplements and diet and controlled weaning. I am so tired of all te ovulation sticks and negative pregnancy tests. Tired of bleeding way too early for my own good. Tired of the worry. Tired of high pressure sex and trying to keep my husband in line with things but also not spoil the mood. Tired. Tired. Tired. 

All I can do now is pray. I pray so hard that the universe will bring me at least one more precious baby to love. Someone to share a childhood with our son and enrich our lives. I pray for that for myself and for my sister who is also in the very early stages of this journey. I pray that our bodies cooperate and we see a healthy brand new baby in each of our arms by next year. This is my biggest hope right now. Second only to the health and well being of my son husband friends and family. This is my biggest wish. 

THE KITCHEN SINK!

Today is the first official day of my period. That's right, no pregnant. It was a very mellow month so I   Not surprised because we took it very easy this month. Only hit up to O-2 and I was still nursing my son ramped up his night nursing to almost every hour. I am starting to get really worked up though now. This will be month 4 of TTC and for some reason I have a really good feeling about getting pregnant this month. Don't ask me why. I just do. But I also feel really nervous because I had another short LP (spotting started at 7DPO and full flow started the eve of 8DPO and ramped up today which would have been 9DPO. I pray so hard that we can have another healthy pregnancy. It's so nerve wrecking waiting and I really really hope we can get there without weaning fully. I so do not want to wean.

Speaking of weaning we will be night weaning starting tomorrow. My poor baby. He will hate very minute of it and so will I. Bye bye sleep! I hope I can get him happily sleeping through the night without nursing. I hope we can both be happy. I'm sure he will have wake ups but I don't want them to require nursing. We shall see. I'm gonna give it my all this month and then we shall see.

The plan:

No coffee only green tea or red raspberry leaf
Lemon water
Vitamin D
Vitamin C
Macca root
Vitex upped
B6 upped
No more junk food
Eat more nuts beans fruits veggies lean protein quinoa millet
Lots of avocado
Daily yoga
Daily meditation
Daily rest and sleep
Night weaning
Less refined sugar and processed food
Acupuncture
Lots of water
Mucunex
Eat more fish
Eat every 3 hours
Pelvic massage


I really hope that I am right about April. This would give me a Christmas baby which I initially didn't like but now I don't care and I am very happy about the idea. So lets hope Tor gets a sibling soon!!!

fickle tickles!

this second journey has me so fickle. Like a steroetypical Gemini i feel torn between two ways of thinking as we get closer to ovulation on cycle three.

On the one hand I am more determined than ever to become pregnant. The emotional reasons stem mostly from fear i will admit. I feel like if the gods could guarantee me that i would be pregnant by september (september itself would be fine. then i might get a baby close to my birthday!) I would be a lot more relaxed. I am not in a huge rush to have a baby. I do want my children to be no more than 3 years apart in age so that they can enjoy each other but if i could be guaranteed that I'm not running out of eggs or facing 12 months of TTC I would be much less panicked about each month.

Another thing that is difficult is the process. It's so NOT fun to have to proposition my husband certain times every month. The stress of trying to get the timing right is another thing that makes me just want to be Pregnant already. I love when people try to suggest that we just go with the flow and relax. They mean well but I've done my homework and unless you are hitting a certain window you might as well not even be trying for a baby at all. People like to blame stress but statistically speaking stress is a lot less harmful on getting pregnant than bad timing. Plus I know myself and that would make me stress even more. No dice.

Then there is the flip side again. I love the fact that I get to enjoy this time with my son just the three of us. I love that i can continue to nurse him and cosleep with him. I can throw him high up in the air, run after him in the yard and let him jump hard on my stomach without worry. Some part of me does feel sad that he wont be getting all of me soon. i don't know this other baby but i know and love him. i feel a bit bad about the fact that he will have to have a tired more fragile momma but i would feel worse about him not having a sibling. His baby brother or sister will be with him when his dad and i are gone. They will share their childhood. It's a very special thing that i know is going to be worth the initial pain of sharing.

As for wanting a boy or a girl I go back and fourth. In the end i just want a healthy baby. There are days when I see a baby brother for our son and days I see a baby sister in our lives. I am so curious what the universe will choose to bring us. I hope we have a healthy fun sweet little person in the wings. One that will love our son and that he will enjoy.

I also recently found out that my sister may be trying in the next 4-6 months. It really excites me to imagine us being pregnant at the same time. Even if there is just a little bit of overlapping. What a fun thing!!!! I pray that she will have a smooth and fast journey to pregnancy as well. If i get pregnant too soon we may miss each other. Although it will still be fresh enough that we can share the experience and i am happy that no matter what i will be able to advice her and get her through the tougher days of pregnancy and new baby.

At this point i really take it for granted that i WILL get pregnant and have a second baby who is healthy and sweet. I hope so deeply that that is the truth. I think that for me is the biggest thing that trumps any feelings i might have that I have plenty of time. To me nothing would be sadder than wasting a month that could be providing me with the healthiest eggs. I wont pursue any sort of testing unless we get to a point where i have almost entirely weaned and things still aren't improving. I am staying on the journey though. Steady as ever. Some days I am more patient than others but in the end the real feeling is this: BRING ME A BABY UNIVERSE!

Boobie Trapped

A curve was thrown my way on this ttc journey in the form of prolactin! Perhaps because my mother got knocked up while nursing me and I've seen so many countless women go through it I was sure I would have no trouble. I also thought having a cycle at all had guaranteed my return to full fertility. This was not the case. I am plagued by the dreaded short luteal phase and late ovulation. B6 seemed to help me ovulate a few days early and vitex may eventually help lengthen my LP if it hasn't already ( i made it to 8 days instead of 6 last month) but it still doesn't cut the mustard. I took my son from bein weaned 7 hours a day to weaning him 12 hours a day and I'm hoping that helps me to get pregnant but who knows. I've read that every woman is different. For some it only takes a few tweaks here and there to their nursing schedule. For others it takes full on weaning. I hope I am not the latter. My son has really ramped up his night nursing since I day weaned him and with four big teeth coming in. He nursed up to 8 times a night between the hours of 8pm and 8am. I am very curious to see if the 12 hours has any effect on my cycles. If it doesn't then next month I plan to try the upset method. That's where you try to throw your body for a loop by having at least one night of no nursing at all or very limited nursing. As you can imagine this is not sounding like fun to me but I am willing to try it. I am also willing to try breaking the nursing to sleep association. Again not gonna be fun but totally worth trying. In the end I haven't decided exactly when I will fully wean if nothing works but right now I'm thinking by his second birthday in September. This is only if I am not pregnant however. If I can get pregnant while nursing my little guy I will try hard to meet his needs as best I can. 

In the back of mind are always concerns over my age and my long term fertility. I really hope that taking these extra months before weaning isn't the difference between giving my son a sibling or not. For now I'm trying to stay optimistic that its not and that even if it takes some doing we will get there. 

Cycle 2, 2 DPO, 2 much!

Well my last cycle was disappointing not just becaus I wasn't pregnant but because despite the B complex I was taking and the efforts I made to nurse my son less frequently I still had a very short luteal phase. I decided to forgo the B vitamin this month and see what happened. I thought this month might be a bust because I was in NYC for my grandmothers 90th just before ovulation but without the B vitamin I ovulated on day 20 and we were able to catch O-3, O-1, O and O+1.  It's hard and scary to feel so hopeful yet again. I'm not sure if its possible to get pregnant when I am ovulating 5 days later than I did prior to having my son. I worry this cycle change is not just from nursing but some sort of perimenopause. It doesn't run in my family at all but I did smoke heavily for 5 years and that scares me. Praying to god that I can get pregnant again!!!! I would love to be able to continue o nurse as well. Despite my worries I really did take my fertility for granted before we started trying. I guess after having a baby you just feel like it should fall ino place. I really hope it does and that I don't need to explore interventions that we can't afford. I am already so stressed out about money.

If this month doesn't work out I may try some acupuncture and vitex or ferlititea. We shall see.

In the interim I hope to enjoy my baby Boy and make the best of my blessed life. I dot want to be so obsessed with giving him a sibling that I miss this wonderful time. He is so cute and funny and I know it will be wonderful but so much harder with two. I need to enjoy this!!!

Feeling so stressed

I'm having a mini AMH freak out. Oh god PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me conceive another baby. I am so sorry that I took it for granted that I would get pregnant quickly again. I wish we could have started trying again sooner. I hope that my age doesn't effect things. I am praying praying praying for another baby. PLEASE! I'm so scared. This is so important to me. I hope I will be pregnan again soon.

Let down and hangin around...

Okay I'll admit it, I really did think it would be that easy again. I thought I was pregnant and we were going to be celebrating a baby this month. I told myself I was cool abut the whole thing but then I was doing one of my routine CM checks and found spotting. That was 3 days ago. Day before yesterday it turned to heavy period and the devisyation and worry set in. I think one of the things that made it hit harder is the fact that I had another crappy cycle with a super short luteal phase. I think I am going to skip the B complex this cycle. I also think I need to cut back more on nursing. I sure hope I don't have to cut back entirely but as it stands I need to stop letting my son suckle endlessly, particularly at night because I think that's having and effect. I'm also having a very painful period. Lots of bad cramping can be felt in my back abdomen, sides and even in my left calf. I worry about hormonal imbalances, I worry about cysts or uterine fibroids. I worry about kidney infections. I worry about high FSH and low amh. I worry about my age. I worry about financial or situation things  getting my husband to jump off the wagon that I worked so hard to get him on. I worry about money. I stress. I worry about worry.

Clearly I need to overhaul a few things in order to help myself get to a better place. Here is my list:

Improve diet. Less sugar more smoothies and veggies and whole grains.

Improve sleep. This is a hard one but a big one. I need to sleep better and more often.

Less stress. Try meditation, exercise, breathing techniques, acupuncture, warm baths with salts, spa Hot tub, fertility yoga, laughter, aroma therapy.

Improve finances : start really buckling down on spending. Sock away little bits of money. Stop eating out as much. Try to sell things or get work babysitting or doing odd jobs. Get back on a strict meal plan. Cook and freeze meals.

Enjoy life and what I have now. Learn to be patient and have faith. I may consider some eastern religion even. I need to make sure I  am enjoying the moment and not sweating the small stuff. I WILL give Tor a sibling! One way or another I ell make it happen. In the meantime I need to appreciate the gift that is my family.

Spotting and Cramping and bitching OH MY

It's hard not to have my hopes up still as I google implantation bleeding and feel all of these ONS like symptoms which are not typical for me but deep down I know what's happening. I'm getting another early period with another super short luteal phase. Not being pregnant this month is very disappointing but the most disappointing part is that it might also include a short luteal phase with a lot of spotting before my period. I worry about hormonal issues keeping my baby dream at bay for a while. I'm being a spoiled baby I know. I had it so easy with Tor. I need I try to just enjoy my little bit and stop stressing out and obsessing but it's hard. Part of me feels like if it doesn't happen soon in gonna meet resistance from my husband again. I don't see that happening though at this point so ill try to keep faith. I wish I could be a o with the flow type of person.

EGG

Well yesterday I got my first official TTC egg on my monitor. I also got a negative OPK after a positive the afternoon of the 17th so I am hoping we timing things right. It seems like we got O-3, O-2, and O-1 but we may have gotten O-2 as our last date because I got another egg today but another negative OPK. Time will tell. I was gonna push the issue and we may DTD today but I honestly feel like yesterday would have been the only potential and that's so since passed so I'm not gonna push for it. My husband has already informed me that I am now pregnant. I feel kind of like I am too but of course I feel nervous admitting that. Like I might jinx it. As if I have that much control over the outcome hahaha. My CM was good this month and I ovulated seemingly on day 17 which is so much nicer than day 20 or 21 which was happening before. I'm wondering if the B Complex I started taking last month along with afternoon weaning this month has helped. I have also been sleeping a bit better.

So now we wait. I think I may start testing around the 30th or 31st but its temping not to go sooner. I'm already analyzing pulling and twinges which I know are only in my head. I'm nervous about my progesterone and my LP because I got my friend at 8DPO last month which is not conducive to pregnancy.

Then there's my head. Deep down I want another lucky miracle baby on our first try the most. I would love to start my journey and know it will happen.  I want to be done with the stress of TTC and TI and all that it entails.

Another part of me is nervous because I'm scared to be pregnant with a toddler. Giving up my body again and my freedom to eat and drink and run and be nuts with abandon is hard. I am not a relaxed pregnant person. I wish I could be the pregnant woman who can eat sushi, drink lattes and run marathons sometimes but that will never be me. Once I am pregnant I will be nervous until we do an ultrasound and then nervous until we get out of the first trimester.

So there are reasons to be happy on both sides. Mostly I just want this! But I know getting pregnant on the first month is highly unlikely. Especially twice! So I made plans to have girls only drinks and sushi with a friend if I get my period. From there we can move on and I just pray that within the next 6 months we get pregnant! Here's hoping!!!!

OBSESSED

I'm here on CD9 and I am just losing my mind with impatience!!! I wish that I could live on the moment more and not be so obsessive and insane about this. I keep hog in back and fourth in my head. Worried it will be hard this time. A twinge of fear of starting it all over as well. Mostly I just want to be pregnant again so I know that I can conceive and them hopefully have a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy little baby. That would be ideal. I would love to be a first month girl. But I know that's not a super realistic thing . So iVe made a little list of things to console me should I not get pregnant this month (or consecutive months). Here is my list:

MORE UNDIVIDED TIME WITH MY SON

As much as I want a sibling for my son I am also a bit sad to see him lose my focus. I know he will adore having a sibling and I will love the dynamic between the two but it does help to think that each month I don't get pregnant will be another month just he and I where I can lift him with abandon and just be all about him.

MORE TIME BETWEEN CHILDREN MEANS MORE TIME WITH A CHILD AT HOME

Okay so this one is a bit babyish on my part I know but I am so sad at the thought that this will all be over someday and my babies will leave me. I know I have 17 years or so but realistically my son will probably begin to pull away at 12 or sooner so that's maybe 10 years. Then that's 12 from now with a new baby. So each month that passes means more time with a child in my life. Knocking them out too close means you kind of have to watch them fly away at the same time virtually.

MORE TIME TO ENJOY BEING SONEWHAT CAREFREE

I will have to be a bit careful during times when I might be pregnant but in general I will be able to continue to be wild with my body and eat and drink things I like. Fling my son around. We can go hiking. Pregnancy can be a precarious thing and I am not the type who can take chances. For me it would mean a lot more caution in my step.

MORE TIME TO PREPARE

Mentally, emotionally and physically I can get myself more ready for another pregnancy and baby.

ENJOY THE MOMENT

I can try to really enjoy this time instead of being wrapped up in all that is ahead

Naturally I have fears if it takes a while. I'll worry about my fertility and my dream of being a mother again and having a sibling for Tor might feel threatened. I'll worry about getting older and Tor getting too old to be close with his sibling. I'll worry about the toll it might take on my husband and still having to work overtime to keep him on board. I know he won't be willing to go the extra mile of adoption or IVF so our conceiving naturally will be important.

That said I also stay positive by reminding myself how good my life has turned out.  I HAVE A CHILD! He is perfect in every way and so many will never be so lucky . I also have a wonderful husband who I love and  enjoy. He drives me nuts sometimes but in the end he really is my best friend and someone I to cant live without. I get to grow old with him and we get to have many chapter together even beyond children I hope, we get to be in love and have love in our lives. I don't want to be a mother of just one and I don't like the only child idea for my life but I also can't deny the good fortune I have or lose sight of that. There is too much good in my life.

The Clock strikes Twice

A LOT has happened since my last post so very long ago.  First of all a I have said in past posts but couldn't have even mildly captured the amazing love that is having my son. It is a love like nothing I have ever known before. It has changed me forever and made me whole. It has made me a woman.

Not long after my son was born my husband had some doubts about a second child and I mourned this and was not sure we would survive it. I knew that I needed the chance to be a mother at least once more and to give me son a sibling. It took many months of pain an fighting and crying but as my husbands bond with our son grew he became more and more willing to have another child. I never relented in my desires.

I am happy to say that as of last summer we decided to have another child and this month is the month that we will start trying to make that dream a reality.

I'm very nervous. It was fortuitous and with ease that my son came to us. Now it's much more of a plan. Since givin birth my cycles have been a bit off. 32 days instead of 29 with a 10 day luteal phase instead of a 12-14 day one. My last cycle was only 26 days with an 8 day phase. I was taking a B complex vitamin that got me to ovulate on day 18 last month instead of 20 or 21 but 8 days is worse than 10. I think I may still give the B complex another shot this month.

On top of the changes in cycle there is the fact that I am still nursing my son. We are currently weaning him for 7 hours in the afternoon. Hopefully this will help balance my hormones a long with improving my diet, exercise meditation. I need to work on stress and sleep. In the back of my mind I always feel a bit of concern regarding my AMH test from a two years ago. I was 34 then and I am 36 now. Is my AMH lower now or fsh higher? Are my eggs okay? I can't worry about it though. All we can do is try and pray. I know people with high AMH who have conceived and I know people in their late 30s and even 40s who have conceived rather quickly. I'm willing to try clomid or IUI or anything we can afford. We shall see. I hope my husband is willing too. I hope his loyalty to this doesn't waiver. I hope we can have and maintain at least one more healthy pregnancy and birth. At least one more healthy beautiful child to love and to be a companion for our sweet son.

Time  will tell. In about 10-12 days we can begin to try.