last friday my husband and i had a very scary experience.
he went on a four hour bike ride and when he returned his left testicle wa hurting so bad he could hardly stand it. it hurt in his abdomen and down his leg. naturally with babies on the brain i was in full panic mode. then i became VERY angry at him when he was refusing to go to the emergency room. even after i had read that any sustained testicle pain should be treated as a medical emergency due to the possibility of torsion. testicular torsion is when the testicles twist from trauma to the area. if it is not caught within 6 hours the lack of blood flow can cause gangarine and one or both testicles have to be removed. we were also concerned about a possible hernia which would require surgery.
i was so angry. i didn't show it to him but my distant way seemed to have upset him enough to make him go to web md. he finally got freaked out enough to then go to the ER.
we got in rather quickly because the doctors were concerned about the same thing. the place was a mess of drug addicts and crazies. after about 3 hours there he got an ultrasound. we both laughed a bit, even though we were terrified. we always had assumed i would be the person on the table and the first ultrasound would be to look at our baby. the irony was painful but funny. after painstaking minutes the radiologist told us that both testicles looked pretty good and that if anything there was increased bloodflow, perhaps caused by the trauma. he said that sometimes torsion will fix itself. either way we were relieved. a couple more doctors checked my husband (he got felt up a lot) for hernia and we were sent home with some antibiotics for possible Orchitis. this was the only condition they could think of that might cause his symptoms. he skipped the antibiotics because neither of us really think it is that. he has never had mumps and i am sure he is vaccinated.
after this scary experience i am needless to say not thrilled about him riding his bike to often. he also told me he is having a dull ache in the area and in his leg quite often still. but i have also had sex and he has been able to ejaculate nicely so i am less concerned than i was. perhaps this is what will help me in getting him to fork over a pre-emptive Semen Analysis though. hmmm. we shall see.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Got my aunt flo
my period came last night. started with light spotting in the morning but by middle of my sleep it was full flow. i am heavy today. this is all great news because not only have i been having a bit of a bizarre cycle this month BUT i really needed it to come in order to take my FSH and AMH tests this month. i really want to take these tests and get a better idea of my ovarian reserve. i am hoping that the numbers will be good. i believe fsh needs to be low and AMH high.
i have also decided that i will schedule to have my tubes checks, be checked for fibroids and a few others just in case. i may ask my husband to be checked too. i know he doesn't want to do a Sperm Analysis but i think doing this now while we have insurance is wiser than waiting. we shall see if i can convince him.
in moving news we gave our 90 days notice. that means that we are definitively leaving our life here in new york. i am sad and a little bit scared but also excited for a new adventure. i just hope we can get the job stuff figured out.
as for the honeymoon, that is 5 weeks away. once the honeymoon is done i don't mind if i get pregnant sooner or not. i know my husband wants to wait but perhaps that will change if we get good jobs or as time goes on. i am very excited for all that awaits us. i truly hope that our dream of at least two babies comes true. the honeymoon will be amazing though. husband and i have talked about it and he promises it will be romantic and fun and not stressful and miserable for all but our 5 honeymoon days. i was worried for a bit there since to him suffering is glamourous while to me it's just a reminder of my childhood.
husband was talking about buying a $1,300 mountain bike. he gets a great deal here in ny and he has two other bikes. biking is his passion. i told him to go for it now because later those kinds of purchases wont be as easy to make with babies. he is very excited. i am a bit nervous because i don;t want him to get hurt and about money too. he also wants new shoes which he calls cheap at 70 bucks, new flip flops which will be about 40 bucks, a new watch and a bunch of stuff for his old bike. he has a credit card though so lets hope we can just get it all paid off or use that if we don't have enough saved. i love him and i do want him to have some final toys but not at the expense of our move or our kids.
so here we go, 90 day countdown begins. CRAZY.
i have also decided that i will schedule to have my tubes checks, be checked for fibroids and a few others just in case. i may ask my husband to be checked too. i know he doesn't want to do a Sperm Analysis but i think doing this now while we have insurance is wiser than waiting. we shall see if i can convince him.
in moving news we gave our 90 days notice. that means that we are definitively leaving our life here in new york. i am sad and a little bit scared but also excited for a new adventure. i just hope we can get the job stuff figured out.
as for the honeymoon, that is 5 weeks away. once the honeymoon is done i don't mind if i get pregnant sooner or not. i know my husband wants to wait but perhaps that will change if we get good jobs or as time goes on. i am very excited for all that awaits us. i truly hope that our dream of at least two babies comes true. the honeymoon will be amazing though. husband and i have talked about it and he promises it will be romantic and fun and not stressful and miserable for all but our 5 honeymoon days. i was worried for a bit there since to him suffering is glamourous while to me it's just a reminder of my childhood.
husband was talking about buying a $1,300 mountain bike. he gets a great deal here in ny and he has two other bikes. biking is his passion. i told him to go for it now because later those kinds of purchases wont be as easy to make with babies. he is very excited. i am a bit nervous because i don;t want him to get hurt and about money too. he also wants new shoes which he calls cheap at 70 bucks, new flip flops which will be about 40 bucks, a new watch and a bunch of stuff for his old bike. he has a credit card though so lets hope we can just get it all paid off or use that if we don't have enough saved. i love him and i do want him to have some final toys but not at the expense of our move or our kids.
so here we go, 90 day countdown begins. CRAZY.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Bats in the Belf yo
iwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababy
all work and no baby make jane a dull gal.
this is how i feel today. i would love to pretend i am not insane. i would love to pretend that i am a level headed and cool person. that i am living the life of balance and serenity that i am working hard to achieve. but no. i am a baby fevered crazy girl who can think of nothing but having babies. it greets me first thing in the morning and tucks me in at night. i scour the message boards and probably bring it up to at least one person a day. i try to do it off handedly but why should i lie to you guys. this is my blog and a safe place for me to admit to all the unhealthy ways of my behavior.
i know i should stop looking at the boards and i know it's unhealthy for me to obsess but i just kind of want to obsess. maybe it's because it gives me the illusion of having more control. maybe because i enjoy dreaming.
or maybe i am just bat shit insane.
good luck future offspring. good luck.
all work and no baby make jane a dull gal.
this is how i feel today. i would love to pretend i am not insane. i would love to pretend that i am a level headed and cool person. that i am living the life of balance and serenity that i am working hard to achieve. but no. i am a baby fevered crazy girl who can think of nothing but having babies. it greets me first thing in the morning and tucks me in at night. i scour the message boards and probably bring it up to at least one person a day. i try to do it off handedly but why should i lie to you guys. this is my blog and a safe place for me to admit to all the unhealthy ways of my behavior.
i know i should stop looking at the boards and i know it's unhealthy for me to obsess but i just kind of want to obsess. maybe it's because it gives me the illusion of having more control. maybe because i enjoy dreaming.
or maybe i am just bat shit insane.
good luck future offspring. good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
More of my FSH and AMH worrying
so i took the two first response fertility tests that are supposed to measure fsh levels and i am a little nervous.
when i took the first test month before last it came up with no line at all which indicates a negative. this made me very happy but i was also not quite sure that i had timed it right since my bleeding had some interference from monastat that month. i took the test again at the beginning of this month and i got a faint line. the test does say that it is only cause for concern if the test line is as dark or darker than the control line BUT i felt like i couldn't necessarily trust that. after all with OPK tests LH hormone varies at different times of the day and on different days. Often times i would get a slight line right before getting my very strong positive line. this concerned me so i did some research and i found this:
http://prayingforalittleone.blogspot.com/2010/04/product-review-first-response-fertility.html
now it should be noted that although the woman in the article had a blood test show high fsh and her test indicated she didn't, there is also a woman who comments at the bottom of the blog and states that she got a faint line too and her fsh was 6 which is not so high.
basically all that i can figure based on those results is that this test is pretty inconclusive.
So now my stress is that my period was a day off last month and i also seem to have ovulated a couple of days early (although my temping hasn't been so great this month and i am thinking of maybe temping vaginally in order to solve the issue.). I am hoping i can take the blood test THIS month but if my day 3 happens to fall on a weekend i am screwed and will have to last until end of november/early december.
here is a pic of my test.
when i took the first test month before last it came up with no line at all which indicates a negative. this made me very happy but i was also not quite sure that i had timed it right since my bleeding had some interference from monastat that month. i took the test again at the beginning of this month and i got a faint line. the test does say that it is only cause for concern if the test line is as dark or darker than the control line BUT i felt like i couldn't necessarily trust that. after all with OPK tests LH hormone varies at different times of the day and on different days. Often times i would get a slight line right before getting my very strong positive line. this concerned me so i did some research and i found this:
http://prayingforalittleone.blogspot.com/2010/04/product-review-first-response-fertility.html
now it should be noted that although the woman in the article had a blood test show high fsh and her test indicated she didn't, there is also a woman who comments at the bottom of the blog and states that she got a faint line too and her fsh was 6 which is not so high.
basically all that i can figure based on those results is that this test is pretty inconclusive.
So now my stress is that my period was a day off last month and i also seem to have ovulated a couple of days early (although my temping hasn't been so great this month and i am thinking of maybe temping vaginally in order to solve the issue.). I am hoping i can take the blood test THIS month but if my day 3 happens to fall on a weekend i am screwed and will have to last until end of november/early december.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Bad Day full of panic
well there are good days and bad days. today is a bad one. i spent all day on the TCC over 35 and Pregnant over 35 boards. i viewed all the posts starting from oldest to newest in an effort to gauge how many of the women who were trying became pregnant and how long their journey was. no good.
the average journey seemed to be over one year with many utilizing clomid or IUI or IVF in order to get there. some couldnt at all. i know this may not end up being me. i know that two of my friends got pregnant very quickly past 35. i know that lookin at the boards only makes my stress levels worse. but i can't help it i am scared and a little angry even.
i dont care about my god damn fucking retarded honeymoon. i could give a rats ass if i am skinny for it or that it might be my last change to frolic on my own. i dont give a shit that we have to find jobs and move and get life in order. all i care about is the fact that every month that passes is another month i could be trying to get pregnant and perhaps become closer to reaching that goal or finding out if there are gonna be any issues,.
if there are issues i will HATE these months that i wasted thinking naively that i should wait because id probably become pregnant right away and we have so much to do. what if i dont and i end up wasting 7 fucking extra months i could spend trying to achive a dream that, lets face it, unlike a stupid honeymoon or a stupid job, it has a real time limit and a rest of your life impact. god willing i will have two kids. but i need to get started and who knows what that will entail financially or otherwise.
I AM TRYING TO MEDIDTATE. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND STAY IN THE MOMENT. BUT I HATE THIS! I AM DEPRESSED WAITING TO 7 MONTHS TO EVEN START! and i am afraid to talk to my husband about it. he takes it for granted that we will get pregnant right away. but everyone thinks they will.
i could never get myself to trick him, i just don't have it in me. but lord oh lord i wish i could sometimes. i just wish my sponge would stop working and get me pregnant and then neither of us would have to feel responsible but we would have a baby on the way. i wish we could fucking get started. i hate advanced maternal age. i wish i had known all the variables sooner and how horrible it is.
i know this is just a bad day and perhaps i will feel fine in the morning but right now i just want to sleep until i can start trying or start trying NOW! immediately. this matters to me more than anything. if my husband didnt matter to me more than i would just say fuck it but he is the only thing stopping me because he is the only thing that matters to me more than my diminishing chances to conceive. of course i also kind of hate him for making me wait and for taking it for granted that we will just get pregnant or putting other worries ahead of that. i am super depressed. suck fest. :(
gonna try meditating and i hope i feel better tomorrow. this is a private hell.
the average journey seemed to be over one year with many utilizing clomid or IUI or IVF in order to get there. some couldnt at all. i know this may not end up being me. i know that two of my friends got pregnant very quickly past 35. i know that lookin at the boards only makes my stress levels worse. but i can't help it i am scared and a little angry even.
i dont care about my god damn fucking retarded honeymoon. i could give a rats ass if i am skinny for it or that it might be my last change to frolic on my own. i dont give a shit that we have to find jobs and move and get life in order. all i care about is the fact that every month that passes is another month i could be trying to get pregnant and perhaps become closer to reaching that goal or finding out if there are gonna be any issues,.
if there are issues i will HATE these months that i wasted thinking naively that i should wait because id probably become pregnant right away and we have so much to do. what if i dont and i end up wasting 7 fucking extra months i could spend trying to achive a dream that, lets face it, unlike a stupid honeymoon or a stupid job, it has a real time limit and a rest of your life impact. god willing i will have two kids. but i need to get started and who knows what that will entail financially or otherwise.
I AM TRYING TO MEDIDTATE. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND STAY IN THE MOMENT. BUT I HATE THIS! I AM DEPRESSED WAITING TO 7 MONTHS TO EVEN START! and i am afraid to talk to my husband about it. he takes it for granted that we will get pregnant right away. but everyone thinks they will.
i could never get myself to trick him, i just don't have it in me. but lord oh lord i wish i could sometimes. i just wish my sponge would stop working and get me pregnant and then neither of us would have to feel responsible but we would have a baby on the way. i wish we could fucking get started. i hate advanced maternal age. i wish i had known all the variables sooner and how horrible it is.
i know this is just a bad day and perhaps i will feel fine in the morning but right now i just want to sleep until i can start trying or start trying NOW! immediately. this matters to me more than anything. if my husband didnt matter to me more than i would just say fuck it but he is the only thing stopping me because he is the only thing that matters to me more than my diminishing chances to conceive. of course i also kind of hate him for making me wait and for taking it for granted that we will just get pregnant or putting other worries ahead of that. i am super depressed. suck fest. :(
gonna try meditating and i hope i feel better tomorrow. this is a private hell.
Monday, October 10, 2011
thoughts of the future
there is a lot on my mind these days and it has surprisingly been a bit different than my usual MO of late.
First off i am starting to get a bit scared about moving. whereas before i was just raring to go and was actually hoping it would be sooner, now i am starting to really get scared of leaving the city that has been my home for over 15 years.
i have a wonderful apartment here. it's the apartment i met and have spent all my days with my husband in falling in love. dreaming of marriage. becoming cat parents. it will be sad to leave this small but wonderful studio and head off into the unknown. the same goes for the city. i know where everything is and how to get around easily. i'm scared of the change. i know it will be good for us and that life is filled with change but i am scared. all of the sudden the reality of new and unpredictable things is laid before me. how will it affect my marriage? will i change as a person? will i be happy like i have been in new york? only time will tell.
i try to focus on the good things. the things to come. parenthood.
i imagine tiny little trick or treaters of our own. we are getting dressed up too and taking them to the surrounding neighborhoods with glee. putting up decorations and getting excited. i saw and lately have seen often this wonderful sparkling look in my husbands eyes. i think that he is excited for the year to come. excited for playing santa and having a yard and having space for our family.
i am too. i hope that the journey is, not easy because i know it never is, but i do hope that we are able to make at least two beautiful healthy children and give them and each other the life that we want. i hope that my husband likes the job he gets after we move and that i will take to motherhood like a natural. i hope that i can help out too and keep my health and my families in tip top shape.
the dream is starting to feel very real to me and i love that.
in some other fun news my sister started dating a man who seems like a very good prospect. time will tell and they only have their 2nd date tonight but she sees him as a potential boyfriend and i am starting to feel the glimmers of hope that she will find a fun sweet and wonderful husband of her own to father her babies too. i want this for everyone i know who wants it for themselves. for all my darling friends.
time will tell but the future is starting to feel more and more like it's on the horizon. it's scary but it's also incredible. here is hoping that 2012 is a great year full of realized dreams!
First off i am starting to get a bit scared about moving. whereas before i was just raring to go and was actually hoping it would be sooner, now i am starting to really get scared of leaving the city that has been my home for over 15 years.
i have a wonderful apartment here. it's the apartment i met and have spent all my days with my husband in falling in love. dreaming of marriage. becoming cat parents. it will be sad to leave this small but wonderful studio and head off into the unknown. the same goes for the city. i know where everything is and how to get around easily. i'm scared of the change. i know it will be good for us and that life is filled with change but i am scared. all of the sudden the reality of new and unpredictable things is laid before me. how will it affect my marriage? will i change as a person? will i be happy like i have been in new york? only time will tell.
i try to focus on the good things. the things to come. parenthood.
i imagine tiny little trick or treaters of our own. we are getting dressed up too and taking them to the surrounding neighborhoods with glee. putting up decorations and getting excited. i saw and lately have seen often this wonderful sparkling look in my husbands eyes. i think that he is excited for the year to come. excited for playing santa and having a yard and having space for our family.
i am too. i hope that the journey is, not easy because i know it never is, but i do hope that we are able to make at least two beautiful healthy children and give them and each other the life that we want. i hope that my husband likes the job he gets after we move and that i will take to motherhood like a natural. i hope that i can help out too and keep my health and my families in tip top shape.
the dream is starting to feel very real to me and i love that.
in some other fun news my sister started dating a man who seems like a very good prospect. time will tell and they only have their 2nd date tonight but she sees him as a potential boyfriend and i am starting to feel the glimmers of hope that she will find a fun sweet and wonderful husband of her own to father her babies too. i want this for everyone i know who wants it for themselves. for all my darling friends.
time will tell but the future is starting to feel more and more like it's on the horizon. it's scary but it's also incredible. here is hoping that 2012 is a great year full of realized dreams!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Baby Dream is Alive
so a lot of very fun things have happened that are making me feel very aware that my baby journey is just around the corner.
it was my mother i law's birthday the other day and on the night of her birthday she told me that she had a dream that i was pregnant. she said it was so vivid and so beautiful. that it just filled her with love and happiness. she let out and adorable squeal when i mentioned that perhaps by her next birthday i will have a little grandbaby in the oven cooking. from her dreams to gods ears i truly hope that pregnancy is something i am able to achieve with ease and very soon. and above all i wish for healthy babies.
additionally my husband has been talking about kids a lot these days. he is much more vocal about it than ever before and i can really see that we are heading there together in full on mode. he spoke with his good friend about them, a good friend who is not the kid friendly type, and he has very open body language when we speak about it. the other day he not only talked about how seeing chatty little girls made him think of me as a child but our potential daughter. he also spoke of how important it was for us to get health insurance, and good kind, since i will be preggers. he is fully on board and it is so exciting i can hardly stand it.
now i just have to take god care of myself and try to be patient and maintain hope that waiting a few months isn't gonna make a huge difference in my fertility.
in a funny foot note i am kind of kooky doing this i know but i have started stocking up on things for future baby and pregnancy in an effort to have a foundating of things id like and to help temper my babyfever. in the beginning it was just the magazines but now i have gone to the darkside and purchased a set of monkey onsies and a pair of maternity jeans off ebay. i got em at a cheap price. god willing that i will be able to use these things for my babies but if not i can always give them to friends. oh i hope i hope i hope i hope thought!!!!!
it was my mother i law's birthday the other day and on the night of her birthday she told me that she had a dream that i was pregnant. she said it was so vivid and so beautiful. that it just filled her with love and happiness. she let out and adorable squeal when i mentioned that perhaps by her next birthday i will have a little grandbaby in the oven cooking. from her dreams to gods ears i truly hope that pregnancy is something i am able to achieve with ease and very soon. and above all i wish for healthy babies.
additionally my husband has been talking about kids a lot these days. he is much more vocal about it than ever before and i can really see that we are heading there together in full on mode. he spoke with his good friend about them, a good friend who is not the kid friendly type, and he has very open body language when we speak about it. the other day he not only talked about how seeing chatty little girls made him think of me as a child but our potential daughter. he also spoke of how important it was for us to get health insurance, and good kind, since i will be preggers. he is fully on board and it is so exciting i can hardly stand it.
now i just have to take god care of myself and try to be patient and maintain hope that waiting a few months isn't gonna make a huge difference in my fertility.
in a funny foot note i am kind of kooky doing this i know but i have started stocking up on things for future baby and pregnancy in an effort to have a foundating of things id like and to help temper my babyfever. in the beginning it was just the magazines but now i have gone to the darkside and purchased a set of monkey onsies and a pair of maternity jeans off ebay. i got em at a cheap price. god willing that i will be able to use these things for my babies but if not i can always give them to friends. oh i hope i hope i hope i hope thought!!!!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
boards on board
i can't decide if it helps or hurts but message boards are one of my favorite tools in handling any limbo type situation in my life.
when i was dealing with break ups or relationship drama in past relationships they were my answer. when i was waiting for my husband to propose and going insane i would talk to fellow ladies in waiting. and now in my process of waiting to start trying for a baby, and at an advanced age, i am back on em.
i wrote a post asking women who were 35 and pregnant how long it took them to get preggers and if they had any advice. the responses were very mixed. some women were on first or 2nd try. some were waiting 6 months to a year. some took up to three years. some used iui and in vitro. it was very eye opening.
one woman had low ovarian reserve and her mom and aunts went through menopause at 49 and 50. my aunt and grandma were around 51 and my mom was 54. she also said that the AMH and AFC tests were better for accurately measuring ovarian reserve. her FSH levels were not bad but those other tests were what brought her to a new understanding. it's pretty daunting to imagine that FSH alone isn't enough. i am not sure what tests will be covered by my insurance but on another hand i don;t know how long it will be till we have insurance after we move. what to do, what to do?
i can't say these boards temper me much but perhaps they are valuable in keeping me on top of things and educated. if i get to crazy though i may need to go cold turkey and even stop blogging and see how that works. we shall see.
when i was dealing with break ups or relationship drama in past relationships they were my answer. when i was waiting for my husband to propose and going insane i would talk to fellow ladies in waiting. and now in my process of waiting to start trying for a baby, and at an advanced age, i am back on em.
i wrote a post asking women who were 35 and pregnant how long it took them to get preggers and if they had any advice. the responses were very mixed. some women were on first or 2nd try. some were waiting 6 months to a year. some took up to three years. some used iui and in vitro. it was very eye opening.
one woman had low ovarian reserve and her mom and aunts went through menopause at 49 and 50. my aunt and grandma were around 51 and my mom was 54. she also said that the AMH and AFC tests were better for accurately measuring ovarian reserve. her FSH levels were not bad but those other tests were what brought her to a new understanding. it's pretty daunting to imagine that FSH alone isn't enough. i am not sure what tests will be covered by my insurance but on another hand i don;t know how long it will be till we have insurance after we move. what to do, what to do?
i can't say these boards temper me much but perhaps they are valuable in keeping me on top of things and educated. if i get to crazy though i may need to go cold turkey and even stop blogging and see how that works. we shall see.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Just Focusing on my breath
i have been taking a meditation class and it is helping me a lot. I realized that one of my biggest issues is stress and it's the one thing i have not been able to manage well with the idea of trying for a baby.
the meditation is mostly to help me cope with my inability to live in the moment. i did this with getting married and now i am doing it with babies. the extra added nervousness is added with babies do to my age.
i go throug phases where i am fine and happy and living in the moment, appreciating what i have and feeling positive about our time to try and getting my two babies. then i will start to worry about my age and want to try before i turn 35 and as soon as possible. i worry about it taking months or years or not happening. i worry about not having the resources i do now to help me determine issues. i worry. i worry. i worry.
i am trying to live in the moment and not worry but when i read articles like this it's hard:
http://www.globalnews.ca/pregnancy+past+35+puts+firsttime+moms+and+babies+at+increased+risk+study/6442482653/story.html#ixzz1ZIF3tysy
at least i have a wonderful husband who loves me. that is the main thing i have to focus on. he absolutely does not want to start trying before we move and even then he said we can only start if he has a job and we have heath insurance.
i am taking a blood test version of the fertility test next month. i took my second over the counter test and although it read negative there was a test line there. it wasn't as dark as the control line which means negative but it was close enough that it made me want to check my ovarian reserve in a more reliable manner. so here is hoping that my period comes liike clockwork and i can take the test at the end of this month. halloween should be the third day of my period. you can only take the test on the 2nd or 3rd day so if my period comes a day early like it did this month then i will have to wait till November.
i hope all of this concern is over nothing and that we have no issues at all with conceiving healthy babies. it's just so hard not being able to know either way.
i shall try to better meditate through it and enjoy getting in shape and preparing for our honeymoon. not much else i can do. i hope 8 months from now i am announcing that i am pregnant. we shall see. we shall see.
the meditation is mostly to help me cope with my inability to live in the moment. i did this with getting married and now i am doing it with babies. the extra added nervousness is added with babies do to my age.
i go throug phases where i am fine and happy and living in the moment, appreciating what i have and feeling positive about our time to try and getting my two babies. then i will start to worry about my age and want to try before i turn 35 and as soon as possible. i worry about it taking months or years or not happening. i worry about not having the resources i do now to help me determine issues. i worry. i worry. i worry.
i am trying to live in the moment and not worry but when i read articles like this it's hard:
http://www.globalnews.ca/pregnancy+past+35+puts+firsttime+moms+and+babies+at+increased+risk+study/6442482653/story.html#ixzz1ZIF3tysy
at least i have a wonderful husband who loves me. that is the main thing i have to focus on. he absolutely does not want to start trying before we move and even then he said we can only start if he has a job and we have heath insurance.
i am taking a blood test version of the fertility test next month. i took my second over the counter test and although it read negative there was a test line there. it wasn't as dark as the control line which means negative but it was close enough that it made me want to check my ovarian reserve in a more reliable manner. so here is hoping that my period comes liike clockwork and i can take the test at the end of this month. halloween should be the third day of my period. you can only take the test on the 2nd or 3rd day so if my period comes a day early like it did this month then i will have to wait till November.
i hope all of this concern is over nothing and that we have no issues at all with conceiving healthy babies. it's just so hard not being able to know either way.
i shall try to better meditate through it and enjoy getting in shape and preparing for our honeymoon. not much else i can do. i hope 8 months from now i am announcing that i am pregnant. we shall see. we shall see.
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