Bloooooze

i watched a really crappy movie called baby fever and it totally sucked donkey balls BUT it did touch on some of the stress and sadness we women go through when we are thinking about having kids.

i feel super depressed today. most likely due to the fact that i am PMSing like a bitch this month. i haven't had a cycle this crazy since back in 1999 when i went on Ortho Tri Cyclen. my breasts have been super sore and heavy for about a week now. i have had some mild cramping and major ups and downs.

i wonder if the 22lbs i gained since May has had an affect too. i know ortho tri cyclen is a high estrogen pill so that could also affect things.

anyway i find myself feeling sad, confused and paranoid. i had an awful dream that my sweet and eternally faithful husband cheated on me and got the girl pregnant and we were splitting up. at one point in the dream i said "but we were supposed to grow old together." and he said "i know honey. i know." we cried. ofcourse it was just a dream but it made me feel so sad. we hugged and kissed this morning. i love him so much. i am so lucky to have found him.

i do feel a bit bored in our life right now and not as sexy or potent as i once did. i really need to make some changes and get my passion and fire back.

i also just sat down at lunch and had a long hard cry. i cried and thought about my new paranoia which is pre mature menopause. my mother had hers around 54 but my grandma was only in her mid to early 40s and i just started worrying because i know that once you reach the 10 years before menopause it becomes very hard or nearly impossible to conceive. i am so scared about this and even though i only have to wait a week and 7 months until we start to try it is very hard to wait and not to know. i have no idea how long it will take us to conceive or if we can at all. it's scary and sad and upsetting. in the movie baby fever the woman cries up a storm and she has a little hope chest filled with baby girl clothes that she looks at and cries wondering if she will ever have that. i must confess that i bought an adorable set of monkey onsies that i have hidden and look at when i feel sad. since i don't care if i have boys or girls or one of each i just look at it and imagine mine and my husbands perfect little monkey in the outfit. it makes me smile but i also cry because i have no way to know if we will be able to make this dream a reality.

Please god. Please. PLEASE! i know you were already so generous with me. you have given me amazing friends, an amazing family, the perfect cat, and the perfect husband who loves and cherishes me dearly. please bring us at least one and if you can manage it two (or more) healthy babies so that our family may be complete. thank you. Amen.

things i wanna do before we try

get in ridiculous shape. enjoy my pre baby untarnished body. sort of like my wedding but less on the skinny side and more on the toned side.

design and get a sweet tattoo

get my drink on!

enjoy dates and romance and all that entails.

strengthen my marriage by working through any and all kinks now. 

Let's get Physical

went in for my physical today! i booked this appointment over 2 months ago so i was really happy to get in there and talk with my primary care. she is just great. she did an ekg and various blood tests. the last physical i got was in 2008 when i was still smoking. i have been eating much healthier, quit the smoking and just feel better in general. it will be good though to find out if i am anemic and all that stuff. Also i may want to schedule some dental work soon. can;t decide if i should risk this botched root canal and wait it out or do it in the coming months. I bet dental is cheaper in Oregon so perhaps i will wait till we get there or try to price it out in advance and do it there. i just am not sure what our finances will be like.

i do need to lose that weight. i was shocked to see i have gained a little over 20lbs ssince my wedding. WOW! i mean, about 6lbs of that was me underweight but the other 15 is just wrong. I was supposed to start my diet but then i got sick and all i wanted to do was feed a cold. so i feel gross but getting weighed by the doctor was a huge fantastic wake up call for me to get my act together!

sexy by honeymoon! that is my goal. and it will make it all that much hotter if i am nice and fit when we honeymoon and then come May/June when we start the baby dancing. i want to wear sexy outfits for it and make it fun instead of being the gross erection killing beast holding an ovulation stick and putting her legs in the air. reminds me of bad lifetime for tv movies or gross whatshername in big lebowski. i have always found her kind of gross. not me! i am gonna be the sex pot if i can help it. so there is motivation. Honeymoon is the deadline. i am feeling better now too so it's oooon!

P.S. Watched part of a god awful indie film called Babyfever. it was really cheesy and dumb. one of the lead actors was JD Salingers son Matt Salinger! Ha! amazingly bad but not in the way where you can stand to watch.

Sicko

no updates cause i have been feeling too sicky to even think about baby futures.

i did have a very nice time though talking with my mother in law about it and i can tell she is very excited for us and for the possibility of me being preggo with a grandbaby next year. she is just the most wonderful mother in law so i know she will be an amazing grandmother. the way she was with our cat alone indicates that.

things have also been really solid between Joel and i. we are both looking forward to out honeymoon and out move and i have calmed down a lot since he said he is open to trying soon after the move if things go well with our job search. he also reminded me that i should enjoy this time and enjoy our love and our freedom. it's important not to forget to appreciate what you have.

my sister and i aren't speaking right now because she had the audacity to make foreboding comments about my life and my marriage. she did this mostly because she felt i was judging her by expecting her to have a new plan of action after she ruined her phone and i was gonna let her have my old one. her response was to act like she could do nothing about it and then throw down the phone and leave while calling me a bitch. that was fine but then the next day she started telling me to watch out because my life was gonna fall apart and bla bla bla and she wouldn't be there. she told me i used to be cool but now i am a judgemental housewife. i told her i am sick of her and sick of being on this roller coaster. i don't need that kind of dark cloud on my life. i may not always do or say the right thing but i never threaten her or maliciously try to pull her down from a good mood. she does that shit to me constantly and i am just done. she deleted me from facebook and seems to be taking her usual shithead ruthless stance. so screw her. i hope she finds love and happiness and experiences all the wonders in life but i am not gonna be shit upon by her. end of story.

OPK +

YES! positive this morning. i got my LH surge on what should be the day before i ovulate. i usually ovulate on day 16 of my cycle so today being day 15 means it makes a lot of sense for me to LH today.

OPK update

so far not plus sign. i got a test line that was ALMOST as dark as the other line but not as dark or darker and according to OPKs anything less than is a negative. i may test again this evening if i can muster it. i haven't seen an acutal positive yet if thats the case but i also havent tested THAT much. so expensive. we shall see.....

DIE IT!

i am on a diet. it's not as intense as my wedding diet and workout regime but i figure since i have only 8 months till we start trying and will probably want to start putting on some pre-conception padding at least 2 months or so prior to that, now is my last chance to enjoy my pre baby body in a toned and taught state. ive gained quite a bit of weight since going off the pill and post wedding overeating so i have my work more cut out for me that usual.

i know i am not not fat right now but i also don't feel like i am in my best shape. i also know that no matter how hard i work to get my post baby weight off my body will never be the same again after childbirth. i don't think it will go completely to pot but i expect to have stretch marks (i am genetically predisposed and even have them from when i developed my tiny little breast and my ample bottom at 13/14) and stretchy saggy belly and boobies. it will all be worth it and im not too sad but since i have some time in between and a few amazing experiences to get under my belt prior to this new and amazing endeavor i figure i might as well do it looking and feeling fabulous.

i love carbohydrates and i hate strict diets but in order to get these stubborn first few off i am only eating carbs with breakfast. i can have fruit or veggies and perhaps a teeny tiny serving of grains but not heavy carbs for lunch or dinner.

i am also upping the ante on my workouts. trying to amp their intensity and put on more muscle. i have a belly right now that almost makes me look like i am pregnant which is not only bumming me out because this is my last chance to look fierce but it's also kind of messing with my head.

my mother in law is in town this weekend so i will have to work hard not to drink or eat to many calories when she is taking us out. it actually might be a bit easier though since i can order items that are healthy and tend to be a bit priceyer than my ordinary fare budget.

so my weight now is about 132 and my first goal is to be about 120-125 (i was 112-116 for my wedding). we shall see how it goes. i'll keep posting my progress.

OPK, OKAY?

so, i know it's odd but i have been doing OPK's since i started charting. i just want as many corroborative signs of ovulation as i can possibly have so that when our time to start trying comes i know i am in good shape.

the funny and frustrating thing about determining ovulation is that you can still not be ovulating even if you show signs of ovulation in one format, i.e. BB temping or checking CM for fertile quality. but if you start syncing them all up and they all meet the signs you have a much better idea that you are indeed ovulating.

OPK's will only tell you if you are producing the hormone that causes ovulation but you can produce the hormone and not ovulate so you have to check it against your temps and CM and all kinds of other signals.

this is my 3rd month of OPKs and i have only gotten a positive the first month AND that positive is somehting i wish i had photographed because im starting to wonder if it was accurate or not. OPKs are very tempermental things and not only do you have to test repeatedly and throughout the day in order to catch the LH surge but you can also screw up the result by drinking too much water or not holding your urine for long enough.  with all this information it is very expensive and difficult to determine if the test is a fair judge or if you are just administering it incorrectly.

my friend who has a daughter took 3 months to conceive and she didn't chart temps but instead used OPKs on the 9th day after her period, caught her surge and would then go for it. she told me that she was feeling less certain she wanted to try for a baby the month she finally conceived. she also said she did the acrobatics but her conception was not missionary but from behind. i guess some rules are meant to be broken.

i am only on cycle day 12 so i doubt i will hit my surge but i am gonna OPK today and until day 16 just in case. i'll let ya know if i get a +

tick toc

i have been thinking a lot about pregnancy these days but after spending sometime with my friend and her daughter this last weekend i am really starting to think about motherhood and parenting more now. 

it's really funny to me how much i have changed with age. i even surprise myself.

after spending time with my friend and her daughter i am sure for sure that i am a goner. it was exhausting. she was having terrible separation anxiety and throwing tantrums. and yet after all that i have never wanted something more.

i long so deeply for Husband and i to have our own babies to love. it seems like it would be so amazing to be so needed. i know it's a lot of hard work but even with my friends daughter i felt like all i wanted to do was to nurture her and teach her and protect her. i felt envious of their love and their closeness. my friend is an amazing mother. she is very strict about what her daughter eats and only feeds her whole organic foods. as a result she doesn't even really like sugary things. she is not very good about leaving her daughter or letting her cry but on top of it with the healthy foods and naps and keeping her schedule. she just feels like she is being torn up inside when she hears her little girl cry for her. i can only imagine.

my husband will make the most incredible father. this is also something i think about a lot. i think we will be the kind of parents that make out children's lives full of fun and wonderment and dreams. i also think that we will be good at showing discipline and restraint where it will teach them. i'm sure there will be times when we don't completely see eye to eye on parenting styles but for the most part it seems like we are on the same exact page. i enjoyed my childhood but most of the discipline i was given didn't seem like it was designed to teach me anything, but instead just to control me. i am hoping that as a parent i will discipline my little ones in ways that will make them learn how to live with respect and ways they can understand as lessons for their own good.

i know it will be hard for me not to worry about my children when they are old enough to start doing things on their own. i can understand how my mother felt when she worried about me crossing the street and such. i hope that i will be brave enough to show them how to do things but not try to do it for them or prevent them from it or coddle.

it's very interesting and exciting to think about having a baby in my life. the hardest part about that is that it will be almost 2 years till there is an actual baby present and the true mothering can begin. but i think that's good too because i will have time to prepare and read up and enjoy my husband and our time just us while still knowing our little babies are on the horizon.

i think parenthood is gonna be an amazing new chapter though. i really do.

Sitting on It

my friend who has an adorable one and a half year old is visiting from out of town and i am so excited. i already volunteered to babysit for her for free anytime. i really need to learn kid skills. the last time i babysat i was a self centered 13 year old. the child belonged to our 19 year old neighbor. his name was anthony and he was cute as pie but  i was no pro and all i remember about caring for him was that he cried during my favorite mtv shows and made me miss them.

well now i have changed a million times over in attitude but being baby crazy does not make one baby care savvy. 

it is also a challenge because virtually NONE of my friend have babies. the total count of close friends who have babies is three and one is expecting now. the total number of those friends who live in new york currently is ZERO unless you count my friend who is expecting and she will have her baby right around the time my husband and i sail off to oregon!

so i hope that my friend's short stay allows me some baby face time. i really wouldn't feel comfortable offering free babysitting to a total stranger, especially since the whole point is to learn a few things. i know i will not let anyone i don't know (and maybe even the ones i do) watch my baby unless they know what they are doing so...here we are!

Ovu-4-later

despite the fact that i have mellowed out a great deal and feel less of a sense of urgency regarding my whole procreating path than i once did, i am still very much on top of mapping my course and keeping myself prepared and educated for when the time comes.

this weekend i saw friends and i was further motivated to stay on my planning course by their stores. one couple i know have been trying for a baby since april. she went off the pill that same month and they started trying immediately. they have not had success yet and they just had blood work done to make sure all is well. she has had a lot of extreme stress at her job which may have contributed along with only being off the pill a short time. she is 37 and he is 29. she hasn't really been charting her cycle. they are a set example of proof to me that having these basic facts handy and understood in advance can really help things along. not to say that there couldn't be other issue either way but since they have been talking about this for a year and she is of advanced maternal age it might have been nice for them to have been able to rule these things out sooner had they went off the pill sooner and perhaps gotten earlier blood work or quit smoking and drinking sooner. not that i criticize them because to each their own. they told me and my husband about this awful partying couple and how they got accidentally pregnant and how annoying it was to her. it's totally annoying and further proof that what happens for others means nothing for ourselves. we have to only hope for the best but expect nothing no matter how much we think we will never be one of those people who struggles. i only know myself well enough to know that i feel comfortable with a lot more prep work. i am sending big baby dust to those too. they will make great parents!

i also found out that my friend who is pregnant had been trying since September of 2010 but she didn't actually chart or pay attention to cycles until two months prior to their conception which seems to be in may. to me that indicates that no matter what we would like to believe, it's always gonna be easier for a woman to conceive when she has sex at the right times.

some sadder news was meeting up with an old colleague and friend who has been caring for her mother with Alzheimer's Disease. she is 36 and has been giving her whole life over  to her mothers care. she has always wanted a child her whole life but this has made relationships and the idea of caring for a child alone impossible for her. it was heartbreaking to hear. she hasn't had a period in months. again, i commend her dedication but i can't help but think that i would do things differently. she has given her life for her mothers and as sad as that is and as much as she doesn't want to ruin her mothers quality of life by putting her in a home clearly she has forsaken her own quality of life and future i the process. it's not too late yet and she is open to many procedures including donor sperm. i just hope she doesn't miss her chance trying to fight for her mother who already is slipping away. she has a chance for her own future and i think she would be a great mom and could find love and happiness too if she let things go a bit more. i am sending her all my well wishes. what a terrible thing to go through. she lost her father very young too and her brother seems to be only minimally helpful. sending her baby dust and the hope for many improvement too!

so i am calmer now but still very active in doing what i can. i had a very odd period this month. two days of pink spotting starting the 27th day and then my period finally came with a vengeance on the day it was due. this is only my second month off the pill and so it seems i am ovulating but i can't really be certain just yet. i took the FIRST RESPONSE FERTILITY TEST on the 3rd day after the spotting started but i am saving the second stick for next cycle because im not sure i trust the reading since my period usually only has one day of spotting. it read me as normal FSH levels. we shall see. by months 4-6 of charting i feel like i will have a better true indication of my cycles. i did, for fun and for ballpark planning, check my ovulation dates starting may (when we are to begin trying) and i several months worth including guesstimated due dates. obviously these can change based on how my next few cycles go but here they how. how exciting to think we might be trying for a baby on these dates.

Fertile days	Resulting due date
May 3, 2012 - May 8, 2012	January 27, 2013
June 1, 2012 - June 6, 2012	February 25, 2013
June 30, 2012 - July 5, 2012	March 26, 2013
July 29, 2012 - August 3, 2012	April 24, 2013
August 27, 2012 - September 1, 2012	May 23, 2013
September 25, 2012 - September 30, 2012	June 21, 2013

who knows what will happen when the time comes and what we will go through. i have no way of predicting that. what i do know is that i am as prepared as i can be, my child will be 100% wanted and planned, and i have the wonderful gift of being married to the love of my life who will always be there for me and i for him no matter what we go through. that is something that, though i have always believed it, has really sunk in and been sent home for me these past few weeks. after our struggles and our panic on each side of this journey we have both come to such a wonderful place of love, respect and honor. i feel very good about what i have. so good that i know that so long as we give it our all and see it through in every way possible, the outcome will  be okay. it's all i ever dreamed of in life and no matter how much i worry about being of advanced maternal age, the plain fact is that i wouldn't trade it in a million years if it meant i couldn't experience it with this man. the love of my life. my soul mate. he is what makes this so right. i love you husband!!!!