I am a mama!

The most beautiful and wonderful thing in my life! It has been challenging because baby is a bit colicky and husband and I are adjusting but I have my sweet baby boy. He will turn 4 weeks tomorrow. More to come later. SO IN LOVE!

1 Day Past due...

I am getting the lovely distinction on my baby boards of being the ONLY one who has made it to her due date so far, and past actually. Trust me it's not an honor.

So I have a confession to make, I was guilty of getting annoyed at and judging those women who one day before or after their due date are flipping out and losing their shit! I wa a judgmental unfair asshole and I want to apologize to those women! This Sucks Hard! Everyday that goes by feels like an eternity that you have to try to fill up in order to maintain any semblance of sanity. Sleep is something you can do in sections but it's hard won and not good sleep. Why sleep when you can prolong your agonizing wait by spending more hours thinking about it? Your body is getting bigger and heavier by the second and you just feel horribly uncomfortable. You're worried about the baby who is all cramped in there and who, frankly, by now you thought you would be holding safe in your arms. Pregnancy can be scary, you want to trust it and your body but at some point you want it to just be over and allow you to enjoy knowing that you did it! You created a life an gave it safe passage into this world. And finally you just want this labor thing to happen! It's this huge, exciting and unpredictable bodily function that you have never experienced and are not sure how to discern. I mean, is that just a cramp or labor? Everything just becomes so nerve wreckingly uncertain. And then there's this growing baby. I want to birth a lite newborn not an 11 pound toddler with stubble. I want my baby out here now so I have more time to enjoy him as a baby. I know he has grown enough. I know he will be safe because I know when I dropped that egg. I TOTALLY understand why women might beg for an induction at this point or start to! It's my bad for ever accusing a woman of being way to impatient and unnatural when here I am in those shoes! I get it! I totally fucking get it! It's time to have a baby.

So now here is the part where I desperately beg the universe to let me go into labor today!

Dear universe, you have granted my so much already. Everything in life. I realize I should be happy with just that and I am. But if there is any way you can spare some small mercy I would be so grateful. I have learned my lesson about my smug judgmental behavior. I apologize for acting such a fool. Please send my body the signal today! Release this baby into my arms!
Signed: Your humble servant who is ever so grateful!

FULL TERM = F%^()@)**&!!!!!!!!

Today is my baby's due date. I think in my mind I always kind of pictured this day perhaps coming and I thought i would feel calm and serene, full of certainty that if he did not come today his arrival was imminent. Well, I was wrong. I feel absolutely batshit crazy insane. I am FURIOUS at the thought of my baby not coming this weekend, especially going past Wednesday. I want to strangle anyone who tells me to be patient or that he will come when he is ready. I am completely devoid of grace or serenity right now.

I think part of the problem is that the baby board i belong to has seen an erruption in babies. I was due first, that being today yet no one has made it to their due date yet but me. The next girl due is due September 9th and then after that September 18th. and there is a girl on there who is being induced a week early on the 13th and was originally due the 25th but her doc moved it to the 20th, she is bitching and trying to get her premature baby out! MY baby is FULL TERM BITCH! I did really well till Thursday. That's when the babies started coming and I started feeling like shit. I want my baby too! I want him to be born! I don;t want him to grow to toddler size while i wait in agony. I want to hold and hug and kiss my sweet baby. Why do i have to be the one who goes full or post term? This sucks.

I am so blessed to be having this baby and I feel terrible for feeling this way but lately i have been telling my husband that i just wish i could be put in a safe mini coma until labor time. I can hardly sleep or think right now. I am able to distract myself for little jags but its just so hard. I feel sometimes like i am being punished for wanting a natural birth and getting so high and mightly about it.

Anyway, i hope this is my last babyless update. I hope to soon be holding my beautiful healthy son and laughing at my Low point. Laughing at my total freakout. Right now i just can't imagine lasting another day let alone a week. I HOPE! I PRAY! PLEASE GOD! Let me be holding my sweet baby by the end of this 3 day weekend.

39 weeks 2 days....tick tock

So I may have mentioned here that the date i picked to have this baby boy was today, August 28th. Not so much. Still pregnant. The good news is i have a healthy little one and I am feeling pretty darn good. I was feeling very uncomfortable last week but this week I have more energy and less acid reflux. THANK YOU TUMS! i sing their praises. I will find out tomorrow if i am dilated or effaced any further and if the bubs has dropped farther into the canal. Either way he could come at any time.

He is due in 5 days and because my husbands insurance and his next paycheck wont come in until September we wont be upping the ante on the natural induction techniques until friday night! thats the 31st. From then it will be all the wild sex, hill walking, nipple stimulation, spicy food and jumping jacks the cat ordered! I hope beyond hope that we get a baby soon after if not before.

He is looking to be my little sapphire. My sweet september love!

I hope i have a baby by my next blog!

Dilating, Effacing and Refluxin

I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I had one of my final 3 OB appointments today. I love my OB and their office. It's always a pleasant place to be and so much better than my former one in New York. I am really happy to be having this baby on Oregon. My Oregon born baby.

I am 1 centimeter dilated, 50% effaced, soft and baby is at -3 station. What this basically means is that things are happening but none of this has any bearing on when this bubs will come. He could still come after his due date. He could come tomorrow. The exciting news is that he is coming and it's not long now. He will be here before the milk we have in the fridge goes bad, before the things I checked out from the library are due and way before the beets we planted are ready for plucking. It takes longer to brew beer. He is due in 11 days and shan't be allowed to go much past that.

The hard part is that these are the longer days. Not just because somehow so wonderful and amazing as finally meeting this sweet little person we created is at the end of the wait but also because this stage of pregnancy is very very uncomfortable.

I have had a fairly easy pregnancy with little to really complain about. No hemeroids or varicose veins, only short spurts of back pain or sciatic pain, minimal nausea with no vomiting, only slight swelling, no broken blood vessels or terrible breakouts so far, only two tiny and insignificant stretch marks that are not even on my belt but on my hip way back. And most importantly no health issues suh as preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, placenta previa, questionable bloodwork or issues with me or baby. I am not even strep b positive. All in all I think I have done excellent.

That said here is what I am dealing with: Bad Acid reflux. This came on late but it has come on hard! No real heartburn but enough reflux to make me feel an almost constant burn in my throat. A burn that intensifies when I am not upright. But now I am so tired and probably mostly because I can't sleep properly with all the reflux and the inability to breath very well. I also have mild back pain and all of the sudden I just feel heavy on my feet. It's only these past weeks I feel like I am carrying so much more weight. Babies movements are also intense.

So things are happening but it's definitely more of a challenge than before! Till next time.

Almost full term! 36 weeks and 5 days!

In two days I will have a full term baby and he can come at any time! Everything I have read suggests that babies are best to make it to 39 weeks so it would still be good for him to hang on but I also wouldn't mind if he came early.

Knowing I won't be inducing unless it's medically necessary makes me fear I will be a lady in waiting. I think I may have covered this in my rant about inductions and elective c-sections. I already know one girl on one of my baby boards who is due a day after me and her doctor is gonna induce her on her due date if baby doesn't come early! I mean COME ON! She is very sweet but not the brightest bulb and it also seems like her baby is on the small side. That baby needs time to grow. So now it's basically she either goes early or shes not waiting. I am gonna hate her if I am waiting while she gets her baby because she is willing to put herself and baby at risk rather than wait. That said its her life and I know how petty I am acting. In the interest of possibly getting myself to go early I plan on using several natural induction methods which have been proven safe once you are full term. Here they are:

Red raspberry leaf tea
Nipple stimulation using hands or pump
Primrose oil (ripens cervix)
Sex and semen
Bouncing on a Birth ball
Continued walks and squatting
Pineapple fresh
Spicy food
Eggplant parmesan

And finally The Power of Prayer!

Please come on or before your due day baby! Mommy wants to meet you!

But mostly mommy wants you healthy so she accepts it if you need more time.

To be honest I am feeling okay. I am starting to really want it to be time bit my level of discomfort is not of the charts and time is moving fairly smoothly in pace. I am sure it will slow more once I reach my due date and the end of this month.

My weekly docs appointments have begun but my doc won't be checking my cervix till 38 weeks. So that means I have about two weeks till I can find out what's happening down there.

My breasts are producing colostrum which is very encouraging for my breastfeeding.

I just got my whooping cough vaccine and I have told all the grandparents and people who will be close to my baby that they will required it as well.

So now we begin the final countdown! 24 days until I am due and possible 38 days till he comes. Hopefully sooner! Till next time!

Triple 35 fast approaching and getting a bit antsy

Here we are. I will be 35 weeks on Sunday which is two days away. It's a milestone because I will be age 35, 35 weeks an have 35 days till his due date. I am starting to feel a but antsy and dare I say over the being pregnant. I feel bad about this because I have so much time left and I also think it is naive not to realize how much of a challenge is ahead. I am gonna have a baby to care for, no sleep and be recovering from birth. Bi guess its hard because I am tired and physically drained and just a bit bored. It's hard to fight that boredom when you have no physical stamina. I am also just so excited for the challenge of my baby. I can't wait to just look into his beautiful eyes and cradle him close. Soon enough but yeah somedays it's doesn't feel soon enough.
He is hiccuping right now! He kept me up all night. His movements just get stronger as he gets bigger and stronger. I can't believe I only have two more weekends till he is full term, 5 -7 till he is born. Magical. This is such a dream come true! I have a son on te way!

Been reading to him a lot. He seems to love Dr. Suess the best. I just or him Shell Silversteins A light in the Attic too because I think he likes rhymes. He kicks cutely when I read them to him. I love you so much already baby boy!

McJudgey so I won't be tempted?!

So lately I have been feeling a bit guilty about this knee jerk reaction of disgust i have when I hear that a woman has done any of the following in her pregnancy: opted for selective c-section or unnecessary induction out of impatience or discomfort a relative in town or some other lame seeming excuse, decided she is not breastfeeding for any non medical reason, decided to get an epidural and not even give natural childbirth a go, pig out on high calorie junk then have a 10lb baby born two weeks early via c section because she is a lame idiot ( see: Jessica Simpson.

I think one of the main reasons though that I feel so judgemental of these circumstances is because they are all in some way tempting to me as much as I think they are wrong. Selfish and wrong. Yet I know how impatient I am (especially with good friends wedding coming up) and I know how hard it will be to fight these things unless I focus on my disgust. Perhaps some of my feelings also stem in jealousy that I can't be as dim witted or casual about these sorts of interventions as these women who are. I dunno. Maybe I am like the right wing christian who is secretly gay so his hatred of gays is self hatred! It's how he keeps himself from goin there. Ofcourse being gay is not at all like these things because it's something loving and about ones identity. The choices I mentioned above ARE not in the baby or moms best interest. They might be personal choices and god knows we shouldn't expect people to be perfect but they are definitely the mcdonalization of medicine. Get it fast get it now. One dimwit women on my baby board is having herself induced ( for the second time) because her mom is in town. What an idiot. Another girl agonized forever trying to get pregnant only to finally get there and now her husband who works offshore might mean she is induced so he can be there for the birth. I get it but come on, what of you could not control this kind f thing? I dunno. Maybe I am partially jealous because I imagine myself waiting in agony for my son to come way past his due date. Maybe I don't want to be faced with that and hating all the women who don't care about the risks or have the moral compass I do on this matter. Whatever it is it does make me feel bad. Bad but also like a good mother. Oh irony .

Baby looks toward the light!!

I am so happy. I had an appointment yesterday, my first bi weekly appointment, and baby is doin so great. He is measuring right on time, he is turned head down, good solid heartbeat. I hope he stays head down so labor is vaginal without complications.

My doctor and I also went over my birth plan and she is cool with it all but she does recommend that I stay open to membrane sweeps and breaking bag of waters as more natural non pitocin birth induction methods. I was also sad to see that they don't have cord blood donation. Too bad.

I am 32 and a half weeks and we made all of my appointments including one for September 5th, should he be late on arrival. As much as I hope he comes by 39 weeks I have a sneaking suspicion he will be closer to 41. The main reason this would be less ideal, aside from me just being impatient to meet him is we want to take him to a friends wedding on September 28th. But I am not sure how easy that will be if he is too brand new and I am stl recovering. The latest he would be allowed to go is to about the 15th but that would make him only 2 weeks. Still what will be will be. I do not else in unnecessary inductions or scheduled c sections so he and the circumstances have to decide when he comes. I will have a full term baby by August 12th (4 and a half weeks!) and due 3 weeks after that. 39 weeks is supposed to be the earliest babies are at optimal birth health so that's my ideal soonest. We shall see. Most boys and first time pregnancies go late so I won't hold my breath. I am just so happy he is head down an things are progressing. What a blessing all of this has been. What a difference a year makes!

Feathering the Nest!

We finally have a nursery! My mother in law came last week and bought us a crib, mattress, and high chair for baby. We also got gift cards and checks from the virtual shower that allowed me to order the rest of what I need, including diapers, care supplies for bath and body, co sleeper, breast pump (I went with medela), changing pad and so much I can't even remember. All we need now really is good glider or rocking chair for nursing and some diaper covers and wet bags for trying out cloth diapering.

I also need to find a pediatrician. This I have started to research but really want to finish up soon. I think I may ask the hospital for local recommendations.

We completed our child birth class and start the newborn care portion this month. I really look forward to it. I didn't babysit much in my life and I know nothing really about caring for a newborn. I bought dolls that I practice with. One is a weighted porcelain baby doll that is best for practicing carrying around a baby, slings and trips and trying to balance that with daily activities. He is good and heavy and fragile. The other is a plastic doll that is good for bathing an it's head tilts back so it's also good practice for supporting a baby's neck and might be good for baby CPR although I do want to take a proper class for that too if it's not taught to us. My husband will miss next weeks class but I an hoping he will get enough basics that that doesn't matter too much. I am make him do the homework for both too.

I can't believe how close it's getting now. Only 60 days or 8 weeks till our son is due. He is kicking me right now!

I am savoring my sleep even though it is less common now that I am so huge and my moments of solitude. I am trying to enjoy this calm before the storm.

I have gained 40lbs already so I imagine I will gain around 50 total. More than the 35 suggested but I was not overweight before and my doctor is not concerned so I am not. I do look forward to taking the weight off but I know this will take time and hard work.

I just feel so blessed to be having this baby boy! I wonder what he looks like and what he will be like as a person. It's fourth of July and we are having a big cookout with our neighbors. This be the last holiday I spend without my baby. Life is amazing!

Momma Me...uh? WOW

I have been a very naughty blogger. for that i am sorry but things have moved very quickly these last few weeks and i need more naps now than ever before!

I am 29 weeks and 2 days. I only have 5 days left in the "20s" Baby is due in just 75 days.

Some milestones since my last post:

1. I had both a virtual and a real baby shower. the real life was local friends and actually took place May 5th. i forgot to blog about it but it was wonderful! friends came from seattle and portland. I made monkey cupcakes and baby got some of the cutest things i have ever seen. More adorable stuff than i can cover but i will try to post a couple pictures if i can find them. Then sunday (2 days ago), my mother in law through a skype shower for us. My husband and i skyped in and spoke to all family and friends who were there. It was really cute and fun. The weekend after this coming she is coming to visit and bringing all of the wonderful cards and gifts that were bestowed. We are also going shopping for her grandsons crib that same weekend. I am so super excited.

2. I entered the third trimester. Some consider it to be 27 weeks and some 28 but by every yardstick i am in there now. It's been very challenging because both me and baby are bigger. I feel more tired than i have since the first trimester, breathing and moving or getting up is difficult. This sweet son of mine can be felt more too. He shifts and the inner shift is never subtle. I feel like there is a giant gerbil on a wheel in there. Maybe this is how Richard Gere felt? I love it because it's my sweet baby but otherwise i would not understand the appeal. I am supposed to start kick counts and i have been doing them but he moves so much i feel very little cause for concern most days.

3. I turned 35! my birthday was 11 days ago. I am now officially considered Advanced Maternal Age. Yay me?

4. I signed up for my hospital water birth and my husband and I started childbirth classes. The classes have been great. They take place every Thursday. We have been to two so far. There are 4 on childbirth, 2 on newborn care, and then 2 on breastfeeding. We meet other couples, go over basics. Last class we did breathing and position exercises for birth. My husband has been so amazing. I seriously think he could kick any doulas ass in childbirth! I feel like we are gonna be very prepared when the time comes.

5. I took and passed my glucose test and i am not anemic. The doctor will start my bi monthly visits next month after my July 13th appointment. It's awesome to know that i am healthy and that things are coming along. Doc also measured my fundal height and i am measuring just 4 days ahead which she said basically means right on time.

6. We started work on baby mural and his stroller is on the way. The mural is looking beautiful, almost done and the stoller is the Maclaren Techno XT stroller. I heard and read good things about it. The best part being that it starts from newborn to 55lbs. so we can use it for a long time. It also got top safety ratings. should arrive Saturday! can't wait.

I am sure there is a lot more but that is all i can think of right now. I am working on our birthplan which i will try to post here, and i am just trying to enjoy this time. Going to yoga, being healthy, nesting and preparing. This has been such a remarkable journey thus far and I do not want to rush through this time or take for granted my last weeks (or 2 and a half months if you will) of just me, my husband and my Kitty. Life is about to change in a HUGE way. For the better but might as well take in this last bit of selfish me time.

25 weeks

I am 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am sick with a head cold. Husband and i are celebrating our 1 year anniversary today. Technically it is day after tomorrow but that is a monday and we got married on a Saturday so we figured this would be the best way. Baby boy just kicked me. His kicks are getting stronger and stronger. It's a dream come true. I am actually starting to think about things like his birth and my birth plan. He has quite a few things already in his little nursery corner. I have a big ol belly. One that is so pronounced that strangers speak openly with me now about my pregnancy, "when are you due?", on a regular basis and offer to help me or smile my way and look on the belly. Some ask if i am having twins but as i have seen I am not really much bigger than most at my stage of pregnancy. We all come in different shapes and sizes and that is no less true when we are pregnant but I am measuring right on schedule by my doctors say and I tend to listen to her word first. I am VERY VERY happy. Life is beautiful. I hate being sick but I am grateful. My husband got a job. A good one with benefits. Life is on track. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! Now i go blow my nose.

Ripe with baby fruit, low on lettuce

I am getting bigger by the day it seems. Feeling more and more movement and more and more pregnant.

This weekend was challenging because I had a friend in town. He is kind of a party guy and I was put face to face with my own physical limitations during pregnancy. I felt kind of bad I couldn't show him a better time but a hot snap of 80 degree weather came and we had to walk everywhere. It was brutal. Plus I am tired by 10pm. Somehow I made it to midnight one night. I love him but I am glad he is gone because I really hated pushing myself but wants him to have fun.

My husband is still hard at work on the job trail. He at least got some work att the bike shop this weekend but all of the other work is over with. Done. He has two interviews and we are trying not to put all our eggs in one basket but those are literally the only basked we have right now. Till then the eggs are piling up (see:bills).

I posted my baby registry in hopes that we will get some help there. I imagine my inlaws and my aunt and grandma will help. I just hope we don't only get clothes. They are the most fun thing to buy but they also last te shortest amount of time. Baby will outgrow all these clothes in a year. Maybe I should make it so people can go in in big items together. I wonde if that's possible. Thankfully a friend with a baby is sending us her old carseat as a gift. I beer knew when I bought baby clothes for people but now I know that whilst they are cute and sweet in entire the other stuff is the way to go. Even baby blankets and toys are great cause they last so long.

My sons kicks are so strong now and gettin stronger. We are still going back and fourth between two names.

This is such a magical time, even with all f it's challenges. Thank you universe for bringing us this baby boy! I love him more than anything already.

My Son, OH HOW I LOVE THEE already

everyday since i found out about you has been a remarkable miraculous experience. i wanted you so badly. i dreamed of you day and night. now you are here, you are the size of a mango and just over half a pound. i can feel your sweet little kicks and aerobics. i promise you that i will do everything in my power to be the best mommy i can be. i will never put my needs or my life above yours. you are my sweet little dream come true.

i have started working on a nursery idea already. we have a one bedroom so technically it will be more of a wall and space area in our bedroom that a full on nursery but i still plan to do something special. Since Calvin and Hobbes has been at the forefront of my mind, and i am sure it was one of the many hints from the universe that i had a baby boy coming, not to mention i just ADORE them, i am working with my husband on a mural or wall painting with that theme in mind.  I am so excited. I also want to get him a stuffed tiger too.

Baby Boy

Somehow I just knew it! I am having a baby boy. I am so thrilled. I can't wait to meet my son. What a dream come true.

The 4 day countdown and trying to sane

Well in 4 days we will find out if our little miracle, our sweet little serendipitous baby, is a son or a daughter. I have a very strong feeling i am having a son. perhaps it is because i grew up with so many boy baby dolls, perhaps it is because so many have guessed that my baby's nub is a boys, perhaps it will be a fluke. Not sure but that is my feeling. That said, i LOVE baby girls so much and if this is not my daughter i do hope we have one some day. Stil, if i am meant to have two of a kind i will be thrilled. These will be my babies. And i pray that i can have more than one but no mater what i am grateful for this child. I love you baby, so much already. I wanted you so badly and I worked so hard and anguished so much to help make you a reality. In the end you were a surprise but i think it was my dilligent care of my body mind and soul, along with a lot of luck, that brought you to me.

In the trying to stay sane part, well that's due to hearing so many sad stories about women losing their babies or their own lives. One woman on my board, only 23, was killed in a snow mobiling accident recently. Another just found out her baby stopped growing at 16 weeks but was 23 weeks along when they found out. She had to be induced and say goodbye to her little girl. She had high BP and they were worried about neural tube defects due to bloodwork even prior to this but my god how awful. I hope she will be okay. My husband also had a coworker lose that baby at past 20 weeks. they terminated the pregnancy because of a heart defect. so sad. and so many others you hear about. So far my pregnancy has had no bleeding or complications. I always find the HB when i listen on my doppler (a god send once you get the hang of using it). In general i think our baby will be alright but these sad stories really rock you to the core. I just wish we could all have healthy babies.

I am gonna spend everyday enjoying my pregnancy and praying for the health and safety of my little one. I will take my vitamins and do my yoga and eat healthy and try to stay calm. i love you little son or daughter. I love you baby. I can't wait to meet you in 22 weeks (or whenever you decide to come out and play). You are the biggest blessing that my life has ever seen and that is saying a lot since i have seen so many. Thank you.

12 Week Ultrasound

sorry i have not written in ages. being pregnant combined with moving across the country has been more than i thought to handle. the good news is that we are all snug in oregon. we got a wonderful 1BR to start us out. it is in a wonderful walkable neighborhood and the weather has been beautiful.

on tuesday we went to our 12 week ultrasound and really got to see our baby. it was amazing. baby was moving around like crazy. started out face down but eventually turned and gave us great pictures. tomorrow i go public and sunday i will officially be out of my first trimester. we got the results from our NT scan and they were wonderful. 1 in 4000 chance of Downs (down from 1 in 200 for a 25 year old) and a 1 in 10,000 chance of trisomy 18.

i am sturggling to drink more water. i just already have to pee so often that it is not pleasant. but i love my new doctor. i have been dealing with an insurance mess that i hope is cleared up by the idiot rep soon. gonna be over 700 a month for my cobra but i only need it for 6 or 7 more months. yeesh.

anyway things feel blessed and surreal and amazing over here. i am already showing and loving this baby so much. everyone thinks i am having a boy. i always wanted a boy for many years. it would be wonderful but i really don't care either way and for some reason i have a sneaking suspicion i am having a little girl. maybe it's the fact that my husband is convinced it might be a boy and i always thought i wanted a boy but feel perhaps i am meant to mother a little girl. i just can't wait to meet this little girl or boy. we will be able to find out in about 4-8 weeks. so exciting!