i feel like i have calmed down a bit over the last week. there was supposed to be this big hurricane in nyc. it was a no show but getting ready for it and holing up with my husband made me realize how lucky i am and that as much as i am longing for and concerned about pregnancy, i must also appreciate my wonderful husband and kitty. we have such an amazing love and life together. they are my everything. my husband is this wonderful dream come true. the kind you wish on a star for.
things have been really great between us lately. he brought me flowers and we had amazing sex. he has been cute and playful and taking care of me and kitty. i think the coolest thing about having a child will be the fact that he is the daddy! oh joy! playing santa and easter bunny. cuddling together. it will be a dream.
i am going to my gyn because i have been bleeding a teeny bit post coital lately. i think it's from dryness that the pill caused and can sometimes hang around but i am gonna check it out just in case. i once had a cut on my cervix from getting a little too rough as well. plus my sister has fibroids and ive read about things that are not so nice so i'll be on the safe side. that appt is Sept. 13th so i will post here afterwards. Then my full physical is Sept. 22nd. heres hoping things are honkey dory!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
discontent is a lonley continent
tough day today and lats night. i must admit that i am feeling very scared i wont be able to conceive quickly and easily and it is making me feel really depressed. my husband was privy to my being withdrawn last night and he pulled it out of me despite my not wanting to talk about it just yet: i want to try sooner than our agreed upon time frame. Ideally after we return from honeymoon. He was calm but upset and went for a walk.
When he returned things were peaceful and i told him that i understood his feelings too and it wasn't like my apprehension wasn't due to the fact that i knew it was asking a lot and that he might not agree to it. it's more than just the very real readiness and the yearning, i am scared it will take months or maybe even years and i really want at least two children. I will be grateful for only one but i will hate myself and always regret not trying sooner if i can't have one let alone two because i waited. Adoption is wonderful and something i am open to but it's very hard for a family of modest income to adopt and that process can also take years and not always find an infant. it's something id love to do but it's not my first choice.
my husband got very upset though and what really hurt me is that he started to make it personal. he told me he sometimes feels like i don't care about him but only his sperm. that he has been replaced or over ruled by this idea of motherhood and our not even yet born baby. I told him that i was happy to do whatever i could to reassure him and to make him feel more loved if i could. lately i have definitely been craving more romance between us and i feel like we both have been a bit lazt with eachother. That said: his observation was not only threatening but completely out of line. to decide that my longing and urgency for a child excludes him or demotes him is not only hurtful but it is like asking someone to choose keeping their left leg over being with you. No, not because you NEED a left leg to live, and NO not because they NEED you to get rid of that leg in order to survive. It's a choice. A selfish and inconsiderate choice. and i was upfront with him from the beginning of our 3 years that i not only wanted to have kids but i would want them very soon because my age is a factor. i didn;t even know how grim it was statistically back then or i probably would have asked sooner at the time. but he never had anmy doubt in his mind that i needed someone to want this to in order to proceed and that without that it was a deal breaker. he asked me point blank 'this isnt gonna havppen but hypothetically if i said i absolutely did not want to have children would you leave me?" it made me cringe then when i told him "you would give me no choice. i would have to leave but it would be horrible." he said "great good to know where i stand." and acted like a wounded puppy. actually it was worse than that. he had this quiet disappointment. it made me sick and makes me even sicker and more angry to think of it again. what an asshole!!! i told him point blank that i would leave him if he cheated on me too. i wouldn't want to but i would feel betrayed and i would feel like i couldn't trust him. like the vows he made to me meant nothing. it's that same thing with children. in his vows he vowed to check on our children at night. it's not only a disgusting thing to try to make me feel guilty or to feel sorry for himself because i won't stay with him even if he abuses my trust and wants only a selfish life. it would be fraud and a total lack of respect for him to turn around and decide something so huge when he knew it was important to me. then he told me he felt like he was not only going to be losing all these freedoms but was also losing his wife even before the fact. that he hates who i have become with this baby fever. i can meet him halfway on that one, and i would like to make sure that my yearning doesn't prevent me from being a loving and attentive wife and partner to him but i also feel like i have been and like he is essentially telling me that unless i stay exactly the same with exactly the same priorities my entire life i am not the woman he married. that's a tall and unfair order. we both are changing and have changed over time. my vision for us is that we support each others dreams and work hard to be honest and open and respectful. that we will create a beautiful family and be warm and cozy and loving and always hold each other and our family as above all else in importance. that things like the ability to be selfish or only care for each other will be outweighed by the ability to be wonderful and nurture mother and father together and create love and stability not just for each other or for ourselves but for our offspring. he asked me if i would use a donor to have a baby if he left me and i told him i would but it would be the last resort and i would be heartbroken and feel saddened in doing so. oh i feel so distraught just thinking of all of this. even though he reassured me that its not so it made me feel so uneasy and so much like he sees this as only for me and that i see it that way too. i see this very much as a shared experience. i wanna cry thinking about it.
later i walked to work with him and he was sweet and softened, he told me that he does want these things but just wants to do it right and not have to rely on his folks or anyone. i told him i can understand that but that to me it was more important to have our babies than to have everything laid out perfectly and i truly believe that people rise to the occasion when push comes to shove. i told him i understand and respect his fears but it can't be something we take for granted where my fertility and time are concerned. i know his mom and dad had to move home and his dad built his empire slowly. my parents, god bless them, were just free wheeling the whole thing. i don't like either of those scenarios ideally but i still think both were, and i know our parents do too, 100% worth it. i think we would fall somewhere in between too. i know we could never be as laid back and willy nilly about it as my parents but i also know we will strive not to have daddy working and traveling too much even if it means our resources are a bit tighter or more modest and creatively attained. as they say there is never a good time to have a baby.
so here we are. i think we will be okay and we will both be happy with the ends but it's very hard. i am gonna try to temper myself as best i can. i still feel uneasy about some of his comments and perspective but im hoping that will dissipate. No one every said it was easy.
Husband was cute towards the end of our walk and told me he loves me so much and that maybe if we find jobs and he has insurance we can start right after the move. i could see in his sweet face that he still had some anxiety but he was trying and i loved him for it. then he started worrying about prenatal care and i told him i would look into it and i have. it's not that expensive if you go to a midwife and there are many options for the insured or the uninsured to consider. i don't think we will need to ask his parents for anything and we will exercise everything other option before doing so but i do know they will help us anyway no matter what our situation and i am grateful for that. they helped us so much with the wedding and in retrospect id rather it be towards something like this than a big party (though i do not regret one moment of our wonderful wedding).
When he returned things were peaceful and i told him that i understood his feelings too and it wasn't like my apprehension wasn't due to the fact that i knew it was asking a lot and that he might not agree to it. it's more than just the very real readiness and the yearning, i am scared it will take months or maybe even years and i really want at least two children. I will be grateful for only one but i will hate myself and always regret not trying sooner if i can't have one let alone two because i waited. Adoption is wonderful and something i am open to but it's very hard for a family of modest income to adopt and that process can also take years and not always find an infant. it's something id love to do but it's not my first choice.
my husband got very upset though and what really hurt me is that he started to make it personal. he told me he sometimes feels like i don't care about him but only his sperm. that he has been replaced or over ruled by this idea of motherhood and our not even yet born baby. I told him that i was happy to do whatever i could to reassure him and to make him feel more loved if i could. lately i have definitely been craving more romance between us and i feel like we both have been a bit lazt with eachother. That said: his observation was not only threatening but completely out of line. to decide that my longing and urgency for a child excludes him or demotes him is not only hurtful but it is like asking someone to choose keeping their left leg over being with you. No, not because you NEED a left leg to live, and NO not because they NEED you to get rid of that leg in order to survive. It's a choice. A selfish and inconsiderate choice. and i was upfront with him from the beginning of our 3 years that i not only wanted to have kids but i would want them very soon because my age is a factor. i didn;t even know how grim it was statistically back then or i probably would have asked sooner at the time. but he never had anmy doubt in his mind that i needed someone to want this to in order to proceed and that without that it was a deal breaker. he asked me point blank 'this isnt gonna havppen but hypothetically if i said i absolutely did not want to have children would you leave me?" it made me cringe then when i told him "you would give me no choice. i would have to leave but it would be horrible." he said "great good to know where i stand." and acted like a wounded puppy. actually it was worse than that. he had this quiet disappointment. it made me sick and makes me even sicker and more angry to think of it again. what an asshole!!! i told him point blank that i would leave him if he cheated on me too. i wouldn't want to but i would feel betrayed and i would feel like i couldn't trust him. like the vows he made to me meant nothing. it's that same thing with children. in his vows he vowed to check on our children at night. it's not only a disgusting thing to try to make me feel guilty or to feel sorry for himself because i won't stay with him even if he abuses my trust and wants only a selfish life. it would be fraud and a total lack of respect for him to turn around and decide something so huge when he knew it was important to me. then he told me he felt like he was not only going to be losing all these freedoms but was also losing his wife even before the fact. that he hates who i have become with this baby fever. i can meet him halfway on that one, and i would like to make sure that my yearning doesn't prevent me from being a loving and attentive wife and partner to him but i also feel like i have been and like he is essentially telling me that unless i stay exactly the same with exactly the same priorities my entire life i am not the woman he married. that's a tall and unfair order. we both are changing and have changed over time. my vision for us is that we support each others dreams and work hard to be honest and open and respectful. that we will create a beautiful family and be warm and cozy and loving and always hold each other and our family as above all else in importance. that things like the ability to be selfish or only care for each other will be outweighed by the ability to be wonderful and nurture mother and father together and create love and stability not just for each other or for ourselves but for our offspring. he asked me if i would use a donor to have a baby if he left me and i told him i would but it would be the last resort and i would be heartbroken and feel saddened in doing so. oh i feel so distraught just thinking of all of this. even though he reassured me that its not so it made me feel so uneasy and so much like he sees this as only for me and that i see it that way too. i see this very much as a shared experience. i wanna cry thinking about it.
later i walked to work with him and he was sweet and softened, he told me that he does want these things but just wants to do it right and not have to rely on his folks or anyone. i told him i can understand that but that to me it was more important to have our babies than to have everything laid out perfectly and i truly believe that people rise to the occasion when push comes to shove. i told him i understand and respect his fears but it can't be something we take for granted where my fertility and time are concerned. i know his mom and dad had to move home and his dad built his empire slowly. my parents, god bless them, were just free wheeling the whole thing. i don't like either of those scenarios ideally but i still think both were, and i know our parents do too, 100% worth it. i think we would fall somewhere in between too. i know we could never be as laid back and willy nilly about it as my parents but i also know we will strive not to have daddy working and traveling too much even if it means our resources are a bit tighter or more modest and creatively attained. as they say there is never a good time to have a baby.
so here we are. i think we will be okay and we will both be happy with the ends but it's very hard. i am gonna try to temper myself as best i can. i still feel uneasy about some of his comments and perspective but im hoping that will dissipate. No one every said it was easy.
Husband was cute towards the end of our walk and told me he loves me so much and that maybe if we find jobs and he has insurance we can start right after the move. i could see in his sweet face that he still had some anxiety but he was trying and i loved him for it. then he started worrying about prenatal care and i told him i would look into it and i have. it's not that expensive if you go to a midwife and there are many options for the insured or the uninsured to consider. i don't think we will need to ask his parents for anything and we will exercise everything other option before doing so but i do know they will help us anyway no matter what our situation and i am grateful for that. they helped us so much with the wedding and in retrospect id rather it be towards something like this than a big party (though i do not regret one moment of our wonderful wedding).
Monday, August 22, 2011
Limbo Limbo Limbo twist
limbo is sucking so much right now. it's not that i don't have things in my life that i enjoy, it's just that all the things that i truly want are things i have to wait a while for and the stuff in between just feels so forced. i mean, i love sewing and have been wanting to sew a maxi dress for myself and an apron. so sewing is one thing i can organize myself better about and perhaps utilize as a fulfilling outlet for now and down the line. I also want to get in shape after having a good ol time piling on a few post wedding lbs. i am only about 5 or 10 pounds more than id like so it's a pretty modest amount but none the less it makes me feel yucky and its a worthwhile goal. i have gotten off to a rocky start, but see slow improvements. i think after my intense pre-wedding program i and just really bored by the whole process and finding it a bit harder to get and stay motivated. i also feel very stuck being here in new york and much like my senior year in high school i have that impatience that comes with knowing a big change of scenery is on the horizon. it's hard to stay in the moment when you are longing for the many new adventures that you see in the distance.
thinking about my honeymoon does help. i am more excited than ever at the prospect of 3 weeks abroad in two beautiful new worlds. i have to start doing some more specific planning soon including updating my passport so that is something i can do while i wait but it's still hard. with a a full 3 and a half months to go there isn't much to sustain me while i wait. still it's something and its on my list.
i also have to get cracking on some apartment inspections and improvements. needless to say, none of this is very exciting to me but it is important stuff to consider before getting too many steps ahead of myself where a honeymoon and a move are concerned. 3 months and 6 months may feel like an eternity right now but they will probably sneak up on me quicker than i expect and i will kick myself if i don't use this time wisely.
my husband and i have been married for 3 months and it's funny because it feels both longer and shorter. our wedding seems as if it was only yesterday but i also feel so comfortable with him and with being his wife that i don't really believe it has been only 3 months of this as the reality. it's a dream come true and something i don't take for granted. i may be ready for the next steps but don't have amnesia and i remember how long and arduous a journey i had to take to get to this point. it was all worth it and i am ready for a change but i am VERY HAPPY and GRATEFUL for all that i have in my life. It will be interesting to see how this year end and what next tear brings.
thinking about my honeymoon does help. i am more excited than ever at the prospect of 3 weeks abroad in two beautiful new worlds. i have to start doing some more specific planning soon including updating my passport so that is something i can do while i wait but it's still hard. with a a full 3 and a half months to go there isn't much to sustain me while i wait. still it's something and its on my list.
i also have to get cracking on some apartment inspections and improvements. needless to say, none of this is very exciting to me but it is important stuff to consider before getting too many steps ahead of myself where a honeymoon and a move are concerned. 3 months and 6 months may feel like an eternity right now but they will probably sneak up on me quicker than i expect and i will kick myself if i don't use this time wisely.
my husband and i have been married for 3 months and it's funny because it feels both longer and shorter. our wedding seems as if it was only yesterday but i also feel so comfortable with him and with being his wife that i don't really believe it has been only 3 months of this as the reality. it's a dream come true and something i don't take for granted. i may be ready for the next steps but don't have amnesia and i remember how long and arduous a journey i had to take to get to this point. it was all worth it and i am ready for a change but i am VERY HAPPY and GRATEFUL for all that i have in my life. It will be interesting to see how this year end and what next tear brings.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
sad in the sack
so the experience of being off the pill but not ready to try means the use of barrier method bc. this is a drag because the diaphram isn't working for my hubby (makes him very uncomfortable during). we are gonna use the sponge which i love (how can we forget the great episode of seinfeld where elaine freaks out because her sponge is discontinued) but it's very expensive. like 5 bucks each one. yikes. it's kind of a drag because for at least the next 5 years this will probably be our only form of bc. I will go back on the pill after
we have baby number two but not before since A) you can't be on it while breastfeeding and B) it can take up to a year to have regular cycles after taking it. oh well. hopefully we can make it fun again. i wish hubby was cool with charting and only using during my fertile window but naturally he worries we will screw things up and end up with an unplanned little one. oh well. we may go a little broker for it but the sponge is at least comfortable and hormone free. plus maybe this will make it even more fun and special when we start trying and get to have at it like cave people or bunny rabbits.
we have baby number two but not before since A) you can't be on it while breastfeeding and B) it can take up to a year to have regular cycles after taking it. oh well. hopefully we can make it fun again. i wish hubby was cool with charting and only using during my fertile window but naturally he worries we will screw things up and end up with an unplanned little one. oh well. we may go a little broker for it but the sponge is at least comfortable and hormone free. plus maybe this will make it even more fun and special when we start trying and get to have at it like cave people or bunny rabbits.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Pregnant with thoughts of Pregnancy and Motherhood
it is approximately 9 months until my husband and i will start trying for a baby of our own. 9 months being the typical length of a pregnancy i have dubbed myself officially pregnant with ideas and plans for pregnancy. it's true that i have been thinking about it for a lot longer. it became particularly strong about 6 months prior to my wedding but now it is fever pitch. i am in full on mommy head mode. some things i am doing during my pre-preggers pregnancy:
taking prenatal vitamins. i actually started these last year because i was growing out my hair for my wedding. i am now on the prescription strength ones. everything i read has said that it's not only vital to go on a prenatal up to three months before trying to conceive BUT it actually can affect the baby up to a year in advance. this means that my neurotic planning might actually make a difference in the health of my future child. yay for obsessing! it is also just good for general health.
paraben, phthalate, pesticide and bpa free. did you know that there are endocrine disrupting chemicals in the cast majority of the cosmetics, lotions and sunscreens we use everyday? i sure as hell didn't. i feel kind of pissed off that it took the prospect of conceiving a child to give me a clue about how many harmful things can be found on our shelves. i suddenly understand why everything i see at Jack's 99 cent store is so affordable. it makes sense now that there are unscented and "natural" versions of products that carry a much loftier price tag. poison free comes at a price. i threw out about 75% of my make-up and hair products. it disgusted me. i felt like the scene in ERIN BROCOVITCH when a woman realizes the water is poisonous and desperately calls for her children to get out of the swimming pool. okay, that is a tad dramatic but i definitely felt freaked out. i felt the same way when i learned about acetone. the pesticides i knew more about but i have since become much more conscious of what the dirty fruits and veggies are. what i should buy organic(apples, spinach, peaches) and what i can skip on (things like bananas and avocados). i also stopped nuking anything in the microwave that is in a plastic container (adios lean cuisine) and i try to avoid drinking bottled water or drinks unless i can find them in glass bottles. i am all about glass these days. the cleaning products and detergents have been changed to natural seventh generation type stuff. i try to avoid most chemicals and the biggest and hardest one of all: i have officially started using toms of maine lavender deodorant about 95% of the time. is it better for my health? yes. does it work? barely. sometimes i have to go back to my aluminum hard core teen spirit because i am a smelly nelly and it just wont do to be smelly in some circumstances. but for the most part i am off the stuff and embracing my inner self hating hippy!
wives aint just for husbands. i could have a wife myself someday. a mid wife that is. the more i read and research and educate myself, the more i feel that the ideal situation if it's possible is not only to have a natural (god help me) and vaginal birth but to employ the help of both an obstetrician and a mid-wife. many c-sections are performed unnecessarily every year or are brought on by induced labor and impatient or lawsuit fearing obstetricians and hospitals. i don't think i could forgo the doctors office entirely but after watching the documentaries PREGNANT IN AMERICA and THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN i have become strongly compelled to use a mid-wife and perhaps even have a home birth if my advanced maternal age and the health of my pregnancy deems it possible.it's something i never thought about at all before. now i am not looking yet, especially because we have to figure our move but i am seriously tempted to start scoping out the scene on midwives and obstetricians asap. it's not something i want to hand over to fate blindly.i haven't talked to my husband about this aspect yet or asked for him to weigh in. he already thinks i am a bit of a loony tune for starting to think about all of this stuff so early on but then again he is one of those guys who has very little sense of urgency. i am the polar opposite. usually we end up regulating each other enough to meet somewhere in the middle and that's what i assume will decide the mid wife verses obstetrician choice as well. we make an excellent team.
charting the course. when my doctor used to ask me when i had my last period i would squint my eyes and pick a date that sounded semi-correct with little to no concern. i knew my fake period, the one you get when you are on birth control pills, within reason but even that was not to the day. it's funny because once i started thinking about my fertility a friend recommended a book called TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and i realized after reading it that i didn't know jack shit about my own body. my first objective was getting off the pill and pronto. it can take up t a year for a woman's cycle to return to normal. knowing i was planning to try in under a year i realized i had better give myself some insurance. especially when i read that there was a 20% chance of conception each month for women in their prime fertile years (aka not old broads like me) and it goes down to about 15% in the 30s and keeps declining. 35 is the age when the biggest dipping begins. the super dip is at 38. it takes the average fertile couple about 6 months to a year to conceive. when i did the math i realized that i needed to buy myself any time possible, this meant waiting around for my post pill cycle to regulate was not an option. i have been of the pill for a month and a half now. my husband and i use a diaphragm with spermicide along with me charting my fertility. we hate the diaphragm but it's the only semi spontaneous (you can put it in hours before and keep in in for up to 24 hours) and non hormonal form of birth control. my husband can feel it a bit. to my knowledge i had pretty regular periods prior to going on the pill 2 years ago and i do recall having that stretchy cervical fluid that they call egg white, and that is considered to be the most fertile kind. that, along with cervical position, thermal shift in basal body temperature and LH surge seem to be the best indication that you are ovulating. so now i wake up every morning and take my temperature. i have to remember not to talk or pee. i forget sometimes but in general it gives and indication. i only have the one month to go on but it does look like i may have ovulated last month with a 29 day cycle and a 13 day luteal phase i am looking pretty good thus far. still my hormones have made me feel a bit crazy since going off the pill and i wont really know if my cycles are regular or true until a few months of charting have gone by. it's very weird but it's also an interesting lesson in personal biology. i am a practical learner so while i am sure i must have touched on some of this in high school biology none of it really made so much sense as it does now. charting is a bit of a pain in the booty but the good news is that it should allow for my husband and i to up our odds a bit more when we start the baby making dance. many people just assume it will happen like clockwork and i am no longer of that mind at all. i wish there were a way to know in advance of going for it. there is not but things like charting help give one a leg up.
bmi, diet and yoga for fertility. yoga is like control alt delete for files problems. if you are physically, emotionally or intellectually fucked yoga is chicken soup mixed with fairy dust and the warm embrace of mama earth and father yoda. there is yoga for everything these days. yoga for fertility. yoga for cancer survivors. yoga for sociopaths. yoga for the blue collar sexaholic homosexual. if you are dealing with something challenging there is a yoga cure. chakras wont make a horrible sound on the blackboard. they are always peaceful and cure everything. vigorous exercise can be too stressful on the body and it can affect the menstrual cycle. no exercise is the worst thing you can do though so, as with most things, it's all about moderation. i wont be running 9mph on my treadmill like i used to but i also wont just do a few yoga poses and call it a day. a for diet, nutrient rich foods are the way to go. whole grains should make up the majority. that means things like beans, lentils, legumes, oats, barley, brown rice, quinoa, cous cous, and wheat to name a few. then we are doing the obvious fruits and vegetables thing. the more colorful the better. iceberg lettuce is about as empty as a glass of water so whilst having some as filler might be a good way to cut calories it wont give the nutrients needed for optimal reproductive health. some of the highest touted are avocados, spinach, yams/sweet potatoes, bananas, beets, chard, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, peels oranges (that while skin is good good good), dark berries, strawberries, and figs. proteins are good in moderation but most meats are not and the fewer consumed the better. protein from beans, seeds and nuts is grade A. fish is good too so long as its not the high mercury kind like sword fish, mackeral, or tuna. Salmon is one of the best types to eat. shrimp is also good and seems to be in many of the fertility diet recipes. honey is considered on of the big fertility friendly foods and for the guys oysters are supposed to give them a boost. cutting back on caffeine, even the kind in tea is recommended. that one is the hardest. i don't drink much alcohol and i haven't had a cigarette in two years almost but i love me some coffee. now i just have one small cup daily if at all. meh.
SAVING MONEY. this one probably should have been listed closer to the top because it's really important. it is not fun, especially when i want to enjoy spending on me and me alone while it lasts. no can do though. moving and pregnancy and child rearing cost money. i refuse to let a pair of new jeans or spending money drinking with buddies hinder my ability to provide a stable life for my family. since i will be staying home with the kids until they are school age or so it's even more important that we put together a very cushy nest egg in the coming months. some things i have done to help with this aside from putting at least 200 bucks away every paycheck are: i joined a cheaper gym. i hate lucille roberts but they are 40 dollars cheaper per month than my old gym and that's almost 100 per month i will save. no more monthly therapy sessions. i gave this one up in the pre wedding phase but it is here to stay. unless i hit some kind of crazy insanity quotient i am gonna have to work my shit out on my own for a while. i have started cooking and eating at home more and limiting how much i spend on meals, entertainment and transportation. i get magazines from my laundry mat and i try not to even walk in to stores with cute clothes unless they are deep discounted things that i can where as a pregnant woman or a mother.
research. this is a big one and it's the only reason i know any of the above. i am reading books about every stage of pregnancy and parenthood. i am reading about fertility at every stage and all the things that effect it. i am reading about the toll on relationships and a woman. about postpartum and baby blues. the one thing that has helped me truly cherish having many months still until i will try to conceive is that it gives me the opportunity to really learn and know my shit before i am in the throes of it all. you can't plan everything but there are certainly situations or conditions that can be altered or avoided by a little pre preggers preparation.
i am ready for the challenges of motherhood and if the onset were tomorrow i'm sure i could roll with the punches but i value very highly the idea that this will be a planned parenthood every step of the way. when you have to wait for something it can present many advantages even if you are mature like me and feeling the urge in the strongest sense. so it's beyond just filling my time blindly. i am gearing up for the next chapter of my life and i am hellbent on making it as joyful and mindful and experience as i can.
taking prenatal vitamins. i actually started these last year because i was growing out my hair for my wedding. i am now on the prescription strength ones. everything i read has said that it's not only vital to go on a prenatal up to three months before trying to conceive BUT it actually can affect the baby up to a year in advance. this means that my neurotic planning might actually make a difference in the health of my future child. yay for obsessing! it is also just good for general health.
paraben, phthalate, pesticide and bpa free. did you know that there are endocrine disrupting chemicals in the cast majority of the cosmetics, lotions and sunscreens we use everyday? i sure as hell didn't. i feel kind of pissed off that it took the prospect of conceiving a child to give me a clue about how many harmful things can be found on our shelves. i suddenly understand why everything i see at Jack's 99 cent store is so affordable. it makes sense now that there are unscented and "natural" versions of products that carry a much loftier price tag. poison free comes at a price. i threw out about 75% of my make-up and hair products. it disgusted me. i felt like the scene in ERIN BROCOVITCH when a woman realizes the water is poisonous and desperately calls for her children to get out of the swimming pool. okay, that is a tad dramatic but i definitely felt freaked out. i felt the same way when i learned about acetone. the pesticides i knew more about but i have since become much more conscious of what the dirty fruits and veggies are. what i should buy organic(apples, spinach, peaches) and what i can skip on (things like bananas and avocados). i also stopped nuking anything in the microwave that is in a plastic container (adios lean cuisine) and i try to avoid drinking bottled water or drinks unless i can find them in glass bottles. i am all about glass these days. the cleaning products and detergents have been changed to natural seventh generation type stuff. i try to avoid most chemicals and the biggest and hardest one of all: i have officially started using toms of maine lavender deodorant about 95% of the time. is it better for my health? yes. does it work? barely. sometimes i have to go back to my aluminum hard core teen spirit because i am a smelly nelly and it just wont do to be smelly in some circumstances. but for the most part i am off the stuff and embracing my inner self hating hippy!
wives aint just for husbands. i could have a wife myself someday. a mid wife that is. the more i read and research and educate myself, the more i feel that the ideal situation if it's possible is not only to have a natural (god help me) and vaginal birth but to employ the help of both an obstetrician and a mid-wife. many c-sections are performed unnecessarily every year or are brought on by induced labor and impatient or lawsuit fearing obstetricians and hospitals. i don't think i could forgo the doctors office entirely but after watching the documentaries PREGNANT IN AMERICA and THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN i have become strongly compelled to use a mid-wife and perhaps even have a home birth if my advanced maternal age and the health of my pregnancy deems it possible.it's something i never thought about at all before. now i am not looking yet, especially because we have to figure our move but i am seriously tempted to start scoping out the scene on midwives and obstetricians asap. it's not something i want to hand over to fate blindly.i haven't talked to my husband about this aspect yet or asked for him to weigh in. he already thinks i am a bit of a loony tune for starting to think about all of this stuff so early on but then again he is one of those guys who has very little sense of urgency. i am the polar opposite. usually we end up regulating each other enough to meet somewhere in the middle and that's what i assume will decide the mid wife verses obstetrician choice as well. we make an excellent team.
charting the course. when my doctor used to ask me when i had my last period i would squint my eyes and pick a date that sounded semi-correct with little to no concern. i knew my fake period, the one you get when you are on birth control pills, within reason but even that was not to the day. it's funny because once i started thinking about my fertility a friend recommended a book called TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and i realized after reading it that i didn't know jack shit about my own body. my first objective was getting off the pill and pronto. it can take up t a year for a woman's cycle to return to normal. knowing i was planning to try in under a year i realized i had better give myself some insurance. especially when i read that there was a 20% chance of conception each month for women in their prime fertile years (aka not old broads like me) and it goes down to about 15% in the 30s and keeps declining. 35 is the age when the biggest dipping begins. the super dip is at 38. it takes the average fertile couple about 6 months to a year to conceive. when i did the math i realized that i needed to buy myself any time possible, this meant waiting around for my post pill cycle to regulate was not an option. i have been of the pill for a month and a half now. my husband and i use a diaphragm with spermicide along with me charting my fertility. we hate the diaphragm but it's the only semi spontaneous (you can put it in hours before and keep in in for up to 24 hours) and non hormonal form of birth control. my husband can feel it a bit. to my knowledge i had pretty regular periods prior to going on the pill 2 years ago and i do recall having that stretchy cervical fluid that they call egg white, and that is considered to be the most fertile kind. that, along with cervical position, thermal shift in basal body temperature and LH surge seem to be the best indication that you are ovulating. so now i wake up every morning and take my temperature. i have to remember not to talk or pee. i forget sometimes but in general it gives and indication. i only have the one month to go on but it does look like i may have ovulated last month with a 29 day cycle and a 13 day luteal phase i am looking pretty good thus far. still my hormones have made me feel a bit crazy since going off the pill and i wont really know if my cycles are regular or true until a few months of charting have gone by. it's very weird but it's also an interesting lesson in personal biology. i am a practical learner so while i am sure i must have touched on some of this in high school biology none of it really made so much sense as it does now. charting is a bit of a pain in the booty but the good news is that it should allow for my husband and i to up our odds a bit more when we start the baby making dance. many people just assume it will happen like clockwork and i am no longer of that mind at all. i wish there were a way to know in advance of going for it. there is not but things like charting help give one a leg up.
bmi, diet and yoga for fertility. yoga is like control alt delete for files problems. if you are physically, emotionally or intellectually fucked yoga is chicken soup mixed with fairy dust and the warm embrace of mama earth and father yoda. there is yoga for everything these days. yoga for fertility. yoga for cancer survivors. yoga for sociopaths. yoga for the blue collar sexaholic homosexual. if you are dealing with something challenging there is a yoga cure. chakras wont make a horrible sound on the blackboard. they are always peaceful and cure everything. vigorous exercise can be too stressful on the body and it can affect the menstrual cycle. no exercise is the worst thing you can do though so, as with most things, it's all about moderation. i wont be running 9mph on my treadmill like i used to but i also wont just do a few yoga poses and call it a day. a for diet, nutrient rich foods are the way to go. whole grains should make up the majority. that means things like beans, lentils, legumes, oats, barley, brown rice, quinoa, cous cous, and wheat to name a few. then we are doing the obvious fruits and vegetables thing. the more colorful the better. iceberg lettuce is about as empty as a glass of water so whilst having some as filler might be a good way to cut calories it wont give the nutrients needed for optimal reproductive health. some of the highest touted are avocados, spinach, yams/sweet potatoes, bananas, beets, chard, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, peels oranges (that while skin is good good good), dark berries, strawberries, and figs. proteins are good in moderation but most meats are not and the fewer consumed the better. protein from beans, seeds and nuts is grade A. fish is good too so long as its not the high mercury kind like sword fish, mackeral, or tuna. Salmon is one of the best types to eat. shrimp is also good and seems to be in many of the fertility diet recipes. honey is considered on of the big fertility friendly foods and for the guys oysters are supposed to give them a boost. cutting back on caffeine, even the kind in tea is recommended. that one is the hardest. i don't drink much alcohol and i haven't had a cigarette in two years almost but i love me some coffee. now i just have one small cup daily if at all. meh.
SAVING MONEY. this one probably should have been listed closer to the top because it's really important. it is not fun, especially when i want to enjoy spending on me and me alone while it lasts. no can do though. moving and pregnancy and child rearing cost money. i refuse to let a pair of new jeans or spending money drinking with buddies hinder my ability to provide a stable life for my family. since i will be staying home with the kids until they are school age or so it's even more important that we put together a very cushy nest egg in the coming months. some things i have done to help with this aside from putting at least 200 bucks away every paycheck are: i joined a cheaper gym. i hate lucille roberts but they are 40 dollars cheaper per month than my old gym and that's almost 100 per month i will save. no more monthly therapy sessions. i gave this one up in the pre wedding phase but it is here to stay. unless i hit some kind of crazy insanity quotient i am gonna have to work my shit out on my own for a while. i have started cooking and eating at home more and limiting how much i spend on meals, entertainment and transportation. i get magazines from my laundry mat and i try not to even walk in to stores with cute clothes unless they are deep discounted things that i can where as a pregnant woman or a mother.
research. this is a big one and it's the only reason i know any of the above. i am reading books about every stage of pregnancy and parenthood. i am reading about fertility at every stage and all the things that effect it. i am reading about the toll on relationships and a woman. about postpartum and baby blues. the one thing that has helped me truly cherish having many months still until i will try to conceive is that it gives me the opportunity to really learn and know my shit before i am in the throes of it all. you can't plan everything but there are certainly situations or conditions that can be altered or avoided by a little pre preggers preparation.
i am ready for the challenges of motherhood and if the onset were tomorrow i'm sure i could roll with the punches but i value very highly the idea that this will be a planned parenthood every step of the way. when you have to wait for something it can present many advantages even if you are mature like me and feeling the urge in the strongest sense. so it's beyond just filling my time blindly. i am gearing up for the next chapter of my life and i am hellbent on making it as joyful and mindful and experience as i can.
Monday, August 15, 2011
the carpe diem when you're waiting in the (stork) wings
it's funny because as much as i do feel ready for motherhood and excited and find it hard to wait in some ways, i am also realizing the many benefits and obstacles that make it not only a necessity to wait but an advantage.
the first and most fun reason is my honeymoon. my husband and i decided to have our honeymoon in December in order to allow us to take an extra week (it will be three total) off from work and to save up more money. I am not only thrilled and excited beyond belief to be going to South East Asia but i am fully aware that once i am pregnant and we are parents traveling will be a lot more difficult, expensive and scary. It's hard enough to leave our sweet kitty boy behind. leaving a child, even with the most wonderful grandparents alive would be trying. then there is the obvious reality that the most uncomfortable way to spend ones honeymoon would be pregnant. not only would it make south east asia a really difficult if not impossible choice but it would make me feel too much like shit to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed. i am anxious for my baby and worried about my advancing maternal age, it's true, but my honeymoon is an awesome incentive to waiting that's about more than just everyday life demands, but instead FUN. i guess i wouldn't mind if we conceived ON the honeymoon but that is looking less and less viable because of my next reason....
MONEY. this is never a fin one and i do not in any way fall into that category of people who think that you should risk your shrinking fertility or the possibility of having a family because you don't have ever duck in a row. it's a cliche but lets face it, no one ever really is ready to have kids in that perfect way. it's something you throw yourself into, it seems. in fact, much like life after being born, it is thrust upon you. that said i do believe, much as i do with pre conception preparations of my body and health, that the more you can prepare and rule out surprise costs or issues the better. while i am impatient and nervous about waiting i also recognize that every month i have is a chance to save more money and possible make things a bit less difficult financially. sometimes thats hard when i feel bored and want to send money in order to entertain myself or provide a distraction on my way to things like the honeymoon, the move and the sweet babies i plan to make and nurture for the rest of my life. i keep my eyes on the prize though and remind myself that we will be able to provide and even better life for our children if we have more of a nest egg.
Moving. this is another thing that i wish we could just up and do now but the more i think about it the more i realize that nothing is better than a chance to save up and close loose ends before we move. Additionally, we are gonna really want a chance to say a proper goodbye to the big city of new york and all of our friends and family in it. it is one of the hardest things about leaving. my husband made it very clear that this is not a city he would like to raise a family in and with good reason. it's expensive, polluted, overcrowded and there is no space for a yard or the kind of freedom we were both lucky enough to experience in our childhood. i also find that children who are raised in new york city grow up very fast and miss out on a lot of the silly naivety of childhood. i don't want our children to grow up passing crackheads and yuppies on their way home from grade school. i love the melting pot that is new york, i find it valuable and i do hope our children will experience that in their lives but i'd like it to be at such a time as they are old enough to be less frightened or traumatized by it. every dark thing we see as a child can be misinterpreted and influence our whole lives if we aren't able to provide some subtext to the human journey. i know that sounds corny but i think it's important to understand life a bit more before venturing into it's darker places.
enjoying being young and hot. this isnt to say that i will instantly become old and matronly or lose my sex appeal with motherhood. i think that motherhood is sexy and so are daddies. that said, the more ego driven version of vanity is about the very superficial things like style, muscle tone, vigor. i understand that it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain the same level of personal style and attention to ones appearance when parenting calls. i don't plan on letting myself go and i think that exercise and putting some effort in to appearance is a necessary and healthy goal for a happy life and self esteem. it's just gonna have to be simplified. no more productions. so, in knowing that i am making an effort to enjoy these remaining months of vanity and self-centered primping and pampering.
Mr. and Mrs us. i really don't think that my husband and i have to worry about not getting to enjoy being together just us. i feel like we have both enjoyed a lot of wonderful romance and experiences together that have been just us for almost 3 years now, and a condensed three years at that. i guess that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the remaining days of it though and relish them. i mean, i hate the idea of being a fear monger where parenthood or adulthood or any of the rites of passive to being a fully rounded human being are. i tend to be annoyed with the self-centered arrested development that has kept most men and many women too in this head space that makes them afraid to give up anything or grow up or make any sacrifices. it's a very new york, sec and the city, yuppie type of attitude that i detest. i do feel that we should face things and be positive about them and not freak out about all the sleep and freedom and toys they will miss out on. especially since it seems like most of these people are actually just living the same mundane, unchallenged and comfortable lives they have been for 5 plus years. people freak out about losing the chance to do things but then they don't do any of them. they just like having the option. meanwhile life passes by. that's not what concerns more or something i worry about giving up. i just want to enjoy this time, not because we are awaiting some death sentence but because it we take it for granted now and if anything the exciting prospect of things changing and becoming parents only resembles death in that it reminds us to appreciate every portion of our lives. if we never died we would not value our lives. if we never became parents we would not appreciate the time leading up to it. so this time is meant for truly enjoying what would otherwise be an endless drudge of an existence. it's like enjoying your teens before your twenties. i am enjoying the twilight of this chapter while still anticipating the next one.
Time will fly is i have fun: making the most out of life and particularly a life which does not demand very much of me at this point is a beautiful thing. yes, i am longing for motherhood but i also know that the less i enjoy this time and the more i rush to the next step the longer it will take to get there. a life that is enjoyed and taken full advantage of tends to fly by if we make everyday count. i am not about to waste any of it.
truthfully, the only thing that makes waiting hard is the fear that it could take a long time. not knowing if i am fertile or will have fertility issues is a scary thing. i think i could easily deal with waiting till i turn 35 (though not much longer than that) if 35 itself didn't feel like it was the beginning of this huge descent in fertility. that is the hardest part. what if it takes many months or years? what about the very common secondary infertility? what about the fact that there is another great descent at around 38? having children is my dream. two healthy beautiful children. i am already pushing it age-wise so we definitely must get cracking and soon. there is no doubt about that. but i will enjoy these days and keep the faith.
the first and most fun reason is my honeymoon. my husband and i decided to have our honeymoon in December in order to allow us to take an extra week (it will be three total) off from work and to save up more money. I am not only thrilled and excited beyond belief to be going to South East Asia but i am fully aware that once i am pregnant and we are parents traveling will be a lot more difficult, expensive and scary. It's hard enough to leave our sweet kitty boy behind. leaving a child, even with the most wonderful grandparents alive would be trying. then there is the obvious reality that the most uncomfortable way to spend ones honeymoon would be pregnant. not only would it make south east asia a really difficult if not impossible choice but it would make me feel too much like shit to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed. i am anxious for my baby and worried about my advancing maternal age, it's true, but my honeymoon is an awesome incentive to waiting that's about more than just everyday life demands, but instead FUN. i guess i wouldn't mind if we conceived ON the honeymoon but that is looking less and less viable because of my next reason....
MONEY. this is never a fin one and i do not in any way fall into that category of people who think that you should risk your shrinking fertility or the possibility of having a family because you don't have ever duck in a row. it's a cliche but lets face it, no one ever really is ready to have kids in that perfect way. it's something you throw yourself into, it seems. in fact, much like life after being born, it is thrust upon you. that said i do believe, much as i do with pre conception preparations of my body and health, that the more you can prepare and rule out surprise costs or issues the better. while i am impatient and nervous about waiting i also recognize that every month i have is a chance to save more money and possible make things a bit less difficult financially. sometimes thats hard when i feel bored and want to send money in order to entertain myself or provide a distraction on my way to things like the honeymoon, the move and the sweet babies i plan to make and nurture for the rest of my life. i keep my eyes on the prize though and remind myself that we will be able to provide and even better life for our children if we have more of a nest egg.
Moving. this is another thing that i wish we could just up and do now but the more i think about it the more i realize that nothing is better than a chance to save up and close loose ends before we move. Additionally, we are gonna really want a chance to say a proper goodbye to the big city of new york and all of our friends and family in it. it is one of the hardest things about leaving. my husband made it very clear that this is not a city he would like to raise a family in and with good reason. it's expensive, polluted, overcrowded and there is no space for a yard or the kind of freedom we were both lucky enough to experience in our childhood. i also find that children who are raised in new york city grow up very fast and miss out on a lot of the silly naivety of childhood. i don't want our children to grow up passing crackheads and yuppies on their way home from grade school. i love the melting pot that is new york, i find it valuable and i do hope our children will experience that in their lives but i'd like it to be at such a time as they are old enough to be less frightened or traumatized by it. every dark thing we see as a child can be misinterpreted and influence our whole lives if we aren't able to provide some subtext to the human journey. i know that sounds corny but i think it's important to understand life a bit more before venturing into it's darker places.
enjoying being young and hot. this isnt to say that i will instantly become old and matronly or lose my sex appeal with motherhood. i think that motherhood is sexy and so are daddies. that said, the more ego driven version of vanity is about the very superficial things like style, muscle tone, vigor. i understand that it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain the same level of personal style and attention to ones appearance when parenting calls. i don't plan on letting myself go and i think that exercise and putting some effort in to appearance is a necessary and healthy goal for a happy life and self esteem. it's just gonna have to be simplified. no more productions. so, in knowing that i am making an effort to enjoy these remaining months of vanity and self-centered primping and pampering.
Mr. and Mrs us. i really don't think that my husband and i have to worry about not getting to enjoy being together just us. i feel like we have both enjoyed a lot of wonderful romance and experiences together that have been just us for almost 3 years now, and a condensed three years at that. i guess that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the remaining days of it though and relish them. i mean, i hate the idea of being a fear monger where parenthood or adulthood or any of the rites of passive to being a fully rounded human being are. i tend to be annoyed with the self-centered arrested development that has kept most men and many women too in this head space that makes them afraid to give up anything or grow up or make any sacrifices. it's a very new york, sec and the city, yuppie type of attitude that i detest. i do feel that we should face things and be positive about them and not freak out about all the sleep and freedom and toys they will miss out on. especially since it seems like most of these people are actually just living the same mundane, unchallenged and comfortable lives they have been for 5 plus years. people freak out about losing the chance to do things but then they don't do any of them. they just like having the option. meanwhile life passes by. that's not what concerns more or something i worry about giving up. i just want to enjoy this time, not because we are awaiting some death sentence but because it we take it for granted now and if anything the exciting prospect of things changing and becoming parents only resembles death in that it reminds us to appreciate every portion of our lives. if we never died we would not value our lives. if we never became parents we would not appreciate the time leading up to it. so this time is meant for truly enjoying what would otherwise be an endless drudge of an existence. it's like enjoying your teens before your twenties. i am enjoying the twilight of this chapter while still anticipating the next one.
Time will fly is i have fun: making the most out of life and particularly a life which does not demand very much of me at this point is a beautiful thing. yes, i am longing for motherhood but i also know that the less i enjoy this time and the more i rush to the next step the longer it will take to get there. a life that is enjoyed and taken full advantage of tends to fly by if we make everyday count. i am not about to waste any of it.
truthfully, the only thing that makes waiting hard is the fear that it could take a long time. not knowing if i am fertile or will have fertility issues is a scary thing. i think i could easily deal with waiting till i turn 35 (though not much longer than that) if 35 itself didn't feel like it was the beginning of this huge descent in fertility. that is the hardest part. what if it takes many months or years? what about the very common secondary infertility? what about the fact that there is another great descent at around 38? having children is my dream. two healthy beautiful children. i am already pushing it age-wise so we definitely must get cracking and soon. there is no doubt about that. but i will enjoy these days and keep the faith.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Ya gimme...Fever
i never really thought of myself as one of those baby freaks. i always knew i wanted to be a mom "someday" but the abstract version stuck around for a lot longer than i would have expected. I started feeling like motherhood was a priority for me right around age 31. I met my ow husband at about 6 months in to 31 and it was important for me, especially because he is 5 years younger than i am, to put the breaks on things a few weeks in from the full steam ahead love fest. i basically explained to him that i need to be with someone who wants the same things as i want and understands that while that doesn't mean tomorrow it is a lot more defined than the "someday"s of our twenties. He jumped on board and the love grew. We are now happily married and building a beautiful life together.
what i find strange though is the change in me. I am 34 years old now and somewhere in the last 6 months i noticed that i went from the "someday" of my twenties, to the "someday soon" of my early thirties, to the now very palpable" this longing for motherhood is inconsolable" and "i want my baby damn it", urgency of my fast approaching mid-thirties.
baby fever is a funny thing because it really does seem like a joke or a funny stereotype, like women being shoe crazy or teenagers loving to talk on the phone (though im sure it is texting now and i am showing my age). The point is it seems like a funny thing that you will experience only mildly, if at all, until it happens to you. I can only speak for myself really but for me it has become this empty space inside, this yearning heart beating through my ribs and skin and out of my chest. My first thought, and the thought of many, might be that i am just bored, just another recently married woman who is now needing a new dream. I don't find that to be true though. I know myself and throughout my life i have always been a fairly selfish person. Up until very recently i thought of having a child as something more scary and more about sacrifice. i knew i wanted it and that time, along with my desire for at least two children, would require me to be on top of it but i can't say it was something i was looking forward to going through. I worried about the toll on my body, my ability to wear cute clothes, spend my money on myself and have adventures. I love sewing and shopping and all of those things but the plain truth is that i think i am over myself. Not to say that this isnt something that will fullfil me in many ways and bring me great joy but it's beyond that. I am longing for motherhood, not as a personal project or because i am bored but as a natural progression in my quest for a worthwhile existence.
i wanted fame at one time, then that changed and i realized that all i wanted was to find the love of my life, spend time with my family and friends and one day have a family of my own. in my heart of hearts i know that i am ready to be a mother. that's not to say that it wont knock me on my ass and blindside me. i am naive to everything but my own naivety where motherhood is concerned. i just know that i am up for the challenge. much like i felt with my husband "it just feels right this time". it's so much deeper than a to do list or your average resolutions. to me it's about the meaning of life. i want to learn from life and i want to share what i have learned with new life. i want to nurture and give and experience the level of intimacy that only parenthood can offer. i know with my husband a level of love and intimacy that is matched by none prior. i feel that our family, including our sweet first baby boy, our kitty B, will be the most amazing life-force and team of life warriors.
so now we wait. there are a lot of life adjustments we have to make in order to prepare for our steps towards parenthood. they include a month long December honeymoon in South East Asia (last chance to really throw caution to the wind), moving to a new state, that means that we wont be starting the actually procreating journey till sometime next year. not sure exactly when but definitely by my 35th birthday next spring. that is so very soon and i do feel lucky to have many months to plan but MAN ALIVE this fever is making every day feel like an obstacle rather than an opportunity. that's why i decided to blog about it. i realized that i need an outlet for all my dreams, obsessions, excitement and frustration.Luckily i am a planner and i enjoy nothing more than planning and dreaming and trying to create what i envision for myself. similar to my wedding, it never turns out exactly like you thought it would but usually that is a good thing. the lessons we learn along the way. the hard times and the fun moments of spontinaity are inevitable. that's what i try to remind my husband when he becomes fearful that i am planning to many details for a trip we are taking or anything we decide to embark on: really even the best laid plans will see their fare share of hitches.
when you are ready for something this life changing it can be hard to wait to truly get the ball rolling. but, despite my feelings i do know there is value in these days and there is much to take advantage of and experience before embarking on such a selfless and unpredictable endeavor as parenthood. Here we go!
what i find strange though is the change in me. I am 34 years old now and somewhere in the last 6 months i noticed that i went from the "someday" of my twenties, to the "someday soon" of my early thirties, to the now very palpable" this longing for motherhood is inconsolable" and "i want my baby damn it", urgency of my fast approaching mid-thirties.
baby fever is a funny thing because it really does seem like a joke or a funny stereotype, like women being shoe crazy or teenagers loving to talk on the phone (though im sure it is texting now and i am showing my age). The point is it seems like a funny thing that you will experience only mildly, if at all, until it happens to you. I can only speak for myself really but for me it has become this empty space inside, this yearning heart beating through my ribs and skin and out of my chest. My first thought, and the thought of many, might be that i am just bored, just another recently married woman who is now needing a new dream. I don't find that to be true though. I know myself and throughout my life i have always been a fairly selfish person. Up until very recently i thought of having a child as something more scary and more about sacrifice. i knew i wanted it and that time, along with my desire for at least two children, would require me to be on top of it but i can't say it was something i was looking forward to going through. I worried about the toll on my body, my ability to wear cute clothes, spend my money on myself and have adventures. I love sewing and shopping and all of those things but the plain truth is that i think i am over myself. Not to say that this isnt something that will fullfil me in many ways and bring me great joy but it's beyond that. I am longing for motherhood, not as a personal project or because i am bored but as a natural progression in my quest for a worthwhile existence.
i wanted fame at one time, then that changed and i realized that all i wanted was to find the love of my life, spend time with my family and friends and one day have a family of my own. in my heart of hearts i know that i am ready to be a mother. that's not to say that it wont knock me on my ass and blindside me. i am naive to everything but my own naivety where motherhood is concerned. i just know that i am up for the challenge. much like i felt with my husband "it just feels right this time". it's so much deeper than a to do list or your average resolutions. to me it's about the meaning of life. i want to learn from life and i want to share what i have learned with new life. i want to nurture and give and experience the level of intimacy that only parenthood can offer. i know with my husband a level of love and intimacy that is matched by none prior. i feel that our family, including our sweet first baby boy, our kitty B, will be the most amazing life-force and team of life warriors.
when you are ready for something this life changing it can be hard to wait to truly get the ball rolling. but, despite my feelings i do know there is value in these days and there is much to take advantage of and experience before embarking on such a selfless and unpredictable endeavor as parenthood. Here we go!
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