1 Day Past due...

I am getting the lovely distinction on my baby boards of being the ONLY one who has made it to her due date so far, and past actually. Trust me it's not an honor.

So I have a confession to make, I was guilty of getting annoyed at and judging those women who one day before or after their due date are flipping out and losing their shit! I wa a judgmental unfair asshole and I want to apologize to those women! This Sucks Hard! Everyday that goes by feels like an eternity that you have to try to fill up in order to maintain any semblance of sanity. Sleep is something you can do in sections but it's hard won and not good sleep. Why sleep when you can prolong your agonizing wait by spending more hours thinking about it? Your body is getting bigger and heavier by the second and you just feel horribly uncomfortable. You're worried about the baby who is all cramped in there and who, frankly, by now you thought you would be holding safe in your arms. Pregnancy can be scary, you want to trust it and your body but at some point you want it to just be over and allow you to enjoy knowing that you did it! You created a life an gave it safe passage into this world. And finally you just want this labor thing to happen! It's this huge, exciting and unpredictable bodily function that you have never experienced and are not sure how to discern. I mean, is that just a cramp or labor? Everything just becomes so nerve wreckingly uncertain. And then there's this growing baby. I want to birth a lite newborn not an 11 pound toddler with stubble. I want my baby out here now so I have more time to enjoy him as a baby. I know he has grown enough. I know he will be safe because I know when I dropped that egg. I TOTALLY understand why women might beg for an induction at this point or start to! It's my bad for ever accusing a woman of being way to impatient and unnatural when here I am in those shoes! I get it! I totally fucking get it! It's time to have a baby.

So now here is the part where I desperately beg the universe to let me go into labor today!

Dear universe, you have granted my so much already. Everything in life. I realize I should be happy with just that and I am. But if there is any way you can spare some small mercy I would be so grateful. I have learned my lesson about my smug judgmental behavior. I apologize for acting such a fool. Please send my body the signal today! Release this baby into my arms!
Signed: Your humble servant who is ever so grateful!

FULL TERM = F%^()@)**&!!!!!!!!

Today is my baby's due date. I think in my mind I always kind of pictured this day perhaps coming and I thought i would feel calm and serene, full of certainty that if he did not come today his arrival was imminent. Well, I was wrong. I feel absolutely batshit crazy insane. I am FURIOUS at the thought of my baby not coming this weekend, especially going past Wednesday. I want to strangle anyone who tells me to be patient or that he will come when he is ready. I am completely devoid of grace or serenity right now.

I think part of the problem is that the baby board i belong to has seen an erruption in babies. I was due first, that being today yet no one has made it to their due date yet but me. The next girl due is due September 9th and then after that September 18th. and there is a girl on there who is being induced a week early on the 13th and was originally due the 25th but her doc moved it to the 20th, she is bitching and trying to get her premature baby out! MY baby is FULL TERM BITCH! I did really well till Thursday. That's when the babies started coming and I started feeling like shit. I want my baby too! I want him to be born! I don;t want him to grow to toddler size while i wait in agony. I want to hold and hug and kiss my sweet baby. Why do i have to be the one who goes full or post term? This sucks.

I am so blessed to be having this baby and I feel terrible for feeling this way but lately i have been telling my husband that i just wish i could be put in a safe mini coma until labor time. I can hardly sleep or think right now. I am able to distract myself for little jags but its just so hard. I feel sometimes like i am being punished for wanting a natural birth and getting so high and mightly about it.

Anyway, i hope this is my last babyless update. I hope to soon be holding my beautiful healthy son and laughing at my Low point. Laughing at my total freakout. Right now i just can't imagine lasting another day let alone a week. I HOPE! I PRAY! PLEASE GOD! Let me be holding my sweet baby by the end of this 3 day weekend.