Saturday, December 31, 2011
Honeymoon miracle!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
AMH equals OMG
i think it was woody allen who said something about how the worst thing that can happen to a hypochondriac is for them to get sick and therefore in their minds eye confirm all of their paranoias.
this is sort of how i feel with respect to my fertility and pregnancy. i got the results for my AMH test and the reading was 0.55 which indicates a very low egg reserve. when i first found out i called my husband and cried like a banshee. i couldn't quite believe it was real. i guess this whole time i had kind of assumed that everyone else would be right and i was just panicking over nothing. perhaps the body just knows? or perhaps it is just wise for any woman in her early or mid-thirties to find out what's up with her body. that is what i think.
so with this news the good thing is we will be starting to try right away. not quite as right away as i hope for because husband wants to go on our honeymoon first, but right away as in the beginning of the year. January. i want to be excited but it is hard when i know that i may have issues. many women with low AMH take a year plus to get pregnant or require treatments or donor eggs/adoption.
that said what keeps me hopeful is knowing that most women do not even get this test until they have an issue already. since i got it before trying there is always the possibility that i am one of many women who's numbers may or may not match mine but still go on to conceive two healthy babies. this is my greatest hope. i can't play around with the odds or anything BUT i can maintain hope. every online search, conversation with a doctor, and etc that i read is pretty trying so i have to be conservative yet optimistic. there is no mistake about it! we MUST try asap BUT there is definitely still a good chance we will have no issues.
i also had an HSG and an ultrasound. The HSG indicates that my tubes are clear but there may be mild scarring that delays fluids slightly. pretty good news overall. The ultrasound i am still waiting on but it appears i may have two teeny weeny fibroids both under two centimeters. one is in my uterus. the other is just on top of it. since they are so small they are probably not an issue, but i will watch the one inside there just in case.
So my plan is to try to stay optimistic and take VERY good care of myself. i have my first ever acupuncture appointment on monday evening. i plan to meditate everyday and do yoga 4 times a week. i ordered the Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor, a conception kit and another fertility dvd. i plan to get some good meditation and hypnosis cds too. take warm baths. i cut out most caffeine, liquor and processed junk from my diet. i am gonna do everything i can to prepare myself for the journey ahead and make it as fertile as possible!
this is sort of how i feel with respect to my fertility and pregnancy. i got the results for my AMH test and the reading was 0.55 which indicates a very low egg reserve. when i first found out i called my husband and cried like a banshee. i couldn't quite believe it was real. i guess this whole time i had kind of assumed that everyone else would be right and i was just panicking over nothing. perhaps the body just knows? or perhaps it is just wise for any woman in her early or mid-thirties to find out what's up with her body. that is what i think.
so with this news the good thing is we will be starting to try right away. not quite as right away as i hope for because husband wants to go on our honeymoon first, but right away as in the beginning of the year. January. i want to be excited but it is hard when i know that i may have issues. many women with low AMH take a year plus to get pregnant or require treatments or donor eggs/adoption.
that said what keeps me hopeful is knowing that most women do not even get this test until they have an issue already. since i got it before trying there is always the possibility that i am one of many women who's numbers may or may not match mine but still go on to conceive two healthy babies. this is my greatest hope. i can't play around with the odds or anything BUT i can maintain hope. every online search, conversation with a doctor, and etc that i read is pretty trying so i have to be conservative yet optimistic. there is no mistake about it! we MUST try asap BUT there is definitely still a good chance we will have no issues.
i also had an HSG and an ultrasound. The HSG indicates that my tubes are clear but there may be mild scarring that delays fluids slightly. pretty good news overall. The ultrasound i am still waiting on but it appears i may have two teeny weeny fibroids both under two centimeters. one is in my uterus. the other is just on top of it. since they are so small they are probably not an issue, but i will watch the one inside there just in case.
So my plan is to try to stay optimistic and take VERY good care of myself. i have my first ever acupuncture appointment on monday evening. i plan to meditate everyday and do yoga 4 times a week. i ordered the Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor, a conception kit and another fertility dvd. i plan to get some good meditation and hypnosis cds too. take warm baths. i cut out most caffeine, liquor and processed junk from my diet. i am gonna do everything i can to prepare myself for the journey ahead and make it as fertile as possible!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
FSH, AMH, E2, HSG and a whole lotta letters
well i went in for all my blood work Monday. it comes back tomorrow. i must admit that i feel strange about it. i mean i kind of feel like if it comes back fine i will still be worried about my age. it will i guess make me feel like i have bought some time. it's just that this stuff is so ever changing. so if i am not worried about my numbers now i am worried about my numbers at 37. hopefully by then i will have good insurance where we are living.
I scheduled an HSG for next week and that is kind of scaring me. not sure why. they shoot radioactive dye through your tubes to make sure they are not blocked. it can also check for fibroids. i am scared mostly because of the teeny weeny chance there could be complications. but it seems like most women actually see an improvement if anything. i dunno.
i am probably crazy for having all of these tests done before i even start trying but alas, i am a go getter and a planner. a need to knower.
I scheduled an HSG for next week and that is kind of scaring me. not sure why. they shoot radioactive dye through your tubes to make sure they are not blocked. it can also check for fibroids. i am scared mostly because of the teeny weeny chance there could be complications. but it seems like most women actually see an improvement if anything. i dunno.
i am probably crazy for having all of these tests done before i even start trying but alas, i am a go getter and a planner. a need to knower.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Not having a Ball
last friday my husband and i had a very scary experience.
he went on a four hour bike ride and when he returned his left testicle wa hurting so bad he could hardly stand it. it hurt in his abdomen and down his leg. naturally with babies on the brain i was in full panic mode. then i became VERY angry at him when he was refusing to go to the emergency room. even after i had read that any sustained testicle pain should be treated as a medical emergency due to the possibility of torsion. testicular torsion is when the testicles twist from trauma to the area. if it is not caught within 6 hours the lack of blood flow can cause gangarine and one or both testicles have to be removed. we were also concerned about a possible hernia which would require surgery.
i was so angry. i didn't show it to him but my distant way seemed to have upset him enough to make him go to web md. he finally got freaked out enough to then go to the ER.
we got in rather quickly because the doctors were concerned about the same thing. the place was a mess of drug addicts and crazies. after about 3 hours there he got an ultrasound. we both laughed a bit, even though we were terrified. we always had assumed i would be the person on the table and the first ultrasound would be to look at our baby. the irony was painful but funny. after painstaking minutes the radiologist told us that both testicles looked pretty good and that if anything there was increased bloodflow, perhaps caused by the trauma. he said that sometimes torsion will fix itself. either way we were relieved. a couple more doctors checked my husband (he got felt up a lot) for hernia and we were sent home with some antibiotics for possible Orchitis. this was the only condition they could think of that might cause his symptoms. he skipped the antibiotics because neither of us really think it is that. he has never had mumps and i am sure he is vaccinated.
after this scary experience i am needless to say not thrilled about him riding his bike to often. he also told me he is having a dull ache in the area and in his leg quite often still. but i have also had sex and he has been able to ejaculate nicely so i am less concerned than i was. perhaps this is what will help me in getting him to fork over a pre-emptive Semen Analysis though. hmmm. we shall see.
he went on a four hour bike ride and when he returned his left testicle wa hurting so bad he could hardly stand it. it hurt in his abdomen and down his leg. naturally with babies on the brain i was in full panic mode. then i became VERY angry at him when he was refusing to go to the emergency room. even after i had read that any sustained testicle pain should be treated as a medical emergency due to the possibility of torsion. testicular torsion is when the testicles twist from trauma to the area. if it is not caught within 6 hours the lack of blood flow can cause gangarine and one or both testicles have to be removed. we were also concerned about a possible hernia which would require surgery.
i was so angry. i didn't show it to him but my distant way seemed to have upset him enough to make him go to web md. he finally got freaked out enough to then go to the ER.
we got in rather quickly because the doctors were concerned about the same thing. the place was a mess of drug addicts and crazies. after about 3 hours there he got an ultrasound. we both laughed a bit, even though we were terrified. we always had assumed i would be the person on the table and the first ultrasound would be to look at our baby. the irony was painful but funny. after painstaking minutes the radiologist told us that both testicles looked pretty good and that if anything there was increased bloodflow, perhaps caused by the trauma. he said that sometimes torsion will fix itself. either way we were relieved. a couple more doctors checked my husband (he got felt up a lot) for hernia and we were sent home with some antibiotics for possible Orchitis. this was the only condition they could think of that might cause his symptoms. he skipped the antibiotics because neither of us really think it is that. he has never had mumps and i am sure he is vaccinated.
after this scary experience i am needless to say not thrilled about him riding his bike to often. he also told me he is having a dull ache in the area and in his leg quite often still. but i have also had sex and he has been able to ejaculate nicely so i am less concerned than i was. perhaps this is what will help me in getting him to fork over a pre-emptive Semen Analysis though. hmmm. we shall see.
Got my aunt flo
my period came last night. started with light spotting in the morning but by middle of my sleep it was full flow. i am heavy today. this is all great news because not only have i been having a bit of a bizarre cycle this month BUT i really needed it to come in order to take my FSH and AMH tests this month. i really want to take these tests and get a better idea of my ovarian reserve. i am hoping that the numbers will be good. i believe fsh needs to be low and AMH high.
i have also decided that i will schedule to have my tubes checks, be checked for fibroids and a few others just in case. i may ask my husband to be checked too. i know he doesn't want to do a Sperm Analysis but i think doing this now while we have insurance is wiser than waiting. we shall see if i can convince him.
in moving news we gave our 90 days notice. that means that we are definitively leaving our life here in new york. i am sad and a little bit scared but also excited for a new adventure. i just hope we can get the job stuff figured out.
as for the honeymoon, that is 5 weeks away. once the honeymoon is done i don't mind if i get pregnant sooner or not. i know my husband wants to wait but perhaps that will change if we get good jobs or as time goes on. i am very excited for all that awaits us. i truly hope that our dream of at least two babies comes true. the honeymoon will be amazing though. husband and i have talked about it and he promises it will be romantic and fun and not stressful and miserable for all but our 5 honeymoon days. i was worried for a bit there since to him suffering is glamourous while to me it's just a reminder of my childhood.
husband was talking about buying a $1,300 mountain bike. he gets a great deal here in ny and he has two other bikes. biking is his passion. i told him to go for it now because later those kinds of purchases wont be as easy to make with babies. he is very excited. i am a bit nervous because i don;t want him to get hurt and about money too. he also wants new shoes which he calls cheap at 70 bucks, new flip flops which will be about 40 bucks, a new watch and a bunch of stuff for his old bike. he has a credit card though so lets hope we can just get it all paid off or use that if we don't have enough saved. i love him and i do want him to have some final toys but not at the expense of our move or our kids.
so here we go, 90 day countdown begins. CRAZY.
i have also decided that i will schedule to have my tubes checks, be checked for fibroids and a few others just in case. i may ask my husband to be checked too. i know he doesn't want to do a Sperm Analysis but i think doing this now while we have insurance is wiser than waiting. we shall see if i can convince him.
in moving news we gave our 90 days notice. that means that we are definitively leaving our life here in new york. i am sad and a little bit scared but also excited for a new adventure. i just hope we can get the job stuff figured out.
as for the honeymoon, that is 5 weeks away. once the honeymoon is done i don't mind if i get pregnant sooner or not. i know my husband wants to wait but perhaps that will change if we get good jobs or as time goes on. i am very excited for all that awaits us. i truly hope that our dream of at least two babies comes true. the honeymoon will be amazing though. husband and i have talked about it and he promises it will be romantic and fun and not stressful and miserable for all but our 5 honeymoon days. i was worried for a bit there since to him suffering is glamourous while to me it's just a reminder of my childhood.
husband was talking about buying a $1,300 mountain bike. he gets a great deal here in ny and he has two other bikes. biking is his passion. i told him to go for it now because later those kinds of purchases wont be as easy to make with babies. he is very excited. i am a bit nervous because i don;t want him to get hurt and about money too. he also wants new shoes which he calls cheap at 70 bucks, new flip flops which will be about 40 bucks, a new watch and a bunch of stuff for his old bike. he has a credit card though so lets hope we can just get it all paid off or use that if we don't have enough saved. i love him and i do want him to have some final toys but not at the expense of our move or our kids.
so here we go, 90 day countdown begins. CRAZY.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Bats in the Belf yo
iwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababyiwantababy
all work and no baby make jane a dull gal.
this is how i feel today. i would love to pretend i am not insane. i would love to pretend that i am a level headed and cool person. that i am living the life of balance and serenity that i am working hard to achieve. but no. i am a baby fevered crazy girl who can think of nothing but having babies. it greets me first thing in the morning and tucks me in at night. i scour the message boards and probably bring it up to at least one person a day. i try to do it off handedly but why should i lie to you guys. this is my blog and a safe place for me to admit to all the unhealthy ways of my behavior.
i know i should stop looking at the boards and i know it's unhealthy for me to obsess but i just kind of want to obsess. maybe it's because it gives me the illusion of having more control. maybe because i enjoy dreaming.
or maybe i am just bat shit insane.
good luck future offspring. good luck.
all work and no baby make jane a dull gal.
this is how i feel today. i would love to pretend i am not insane. i would love to pretend that i am a level headed and cool person. that i am living the life of balance and serenity that i am working hard to achieve. but no. i am a baby fevered crazy girl who can think of nothing but having babies. it greets me first thing in the morning and tucks me in at night. i scour the message boards and probably bring it up to at least one person a day. i try to do it off handedly but why should i lie to you guys. this is my blog and a safe place for me to admit to all the unhealthy ways of my behavior.
i know i should stop looking at the boards and i know it's unhealthy for me to obsess but i just kind of want to obsess. maybe it's because it gives me the illusion of having more control. maybe because i enjoy dreaming.
or maybe i am just bat shit insane.
good luck future offspring. good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
More of my FSH and AMH worrying
so i took the two first response fertility tests that are supposed to measure fsh levels and i am a little nervous.
when i took the first test month before last it came up with no line at all which indicates a negative. this made me very happy but i was also not quite sure that i had timed it right since my bleeding had some interference from monastat that month. i took the test again at the beginning of this month and i got a faint line. the test does say that it is only cause for concern if the test line is as dark or darker than the control line BUT i felt like i couldn't necessarily trust that. after all with OPK tests LH hormone varies at different times of the day and on different days. Often times i would get a slight line right before getting my very strong positive line. this concerned me so i did some research and i found this:
http://prayingforalittleone.blogspot.com/2010/04/product-review-first-response-fertility.html
now it should be noted that although the woman in the article had a blood test show high fsh and her test indicated she didn't, there is also a woman who comments at the bottom of the blog and states that she got a faint line too and her fsh was 6 which is not so high.
basically all that i can figure based on those results is that this test is pretty inconclusive.
So now my stress is that my period was a day off last month and i also seem to have ovulated a couple of days early (although my temping hasn't been so great this month and i am thinking of maybe temping vaginally in order to solve the issue.). I am hoping i can take the blood test THIS month but if my day 3 happens to fall on a weekend i am screwed and will have to last until end of november/early december.
here is a pic of my test.
when i took the first test month before last it came up with no line at all which indicates a negative. this made me very happy but i was also not quite sure that i had timed it right since my bleeding had some interference from monastat that month. i took the test again at the beginning of this month and i got a faint line. the test does say that it is only cause for concern if the test line is as dark or darker than the control line BUT i felt like i couldn't necessarily trust that. after all with OPK tests LH hormone varies at different times of the day and on different days. Often times i would get a slight line right before getting my very strong positive line. this concerned me so i did some research and i found this:
http://prayingforalittleone.blogspot.com/2010/04/product-review-first-response-fertility.html
now it should be noted that although the woman in the article had a blood test show high fsh and her test indicated she didn't, there is also a woman who comments at the bottom of the blog and states that she got a faint line too and her fsh was 6 which is not so high.
basically all that i can figure based on those results is that this test is pretty inconclusive.
So now my stress is that my period was a day off last month and i also seem to have ovulated a couple of days early (although my temping hasn't been so great this month and i am thinking of maybe temping vaginally in order to solve the issue.). I am hoping i can take the blood test THIS month but if my day 3 happens to fall on a weekend i am screwed and will have to last until end of november/early december.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Bad Day full of panic
well there are good days and bad days. today is a bad one. i spent all day on the TCC over 35 and Pregnant over 35 boards. i viewed all the posts starting from oldest to newest in an effort to gauge how many of the women who were trying became pregnant and how long their journey was. no good.
the average journey seemed to be over one year with many utilizing clomid or IUI or IVF in order to get there. some couldnt at all. i know this may not end up being me. i know that two of my friends got pregnant very quickly past 35. i know that lookin at the boards only makes my stress levels worse. but i can't help it i am scared and a little angry even.
i dont care about my god damn fucking retarded honeymoon. i could give a rats ass if i am skinny for it or that it might be my last change to frolic on my own. i dont give a shit that we have to find jobs and move and get life in order. all i care about is the fact that every month that passes is another month i could be trying to get pregnant and perhaps become closer to reaching that goal or finding out if there are gonna be any issues,.
if there are issues i will HATE these months that i wasted thinking naively that i should wait because id probably become pregnant right away and we have so much to do. what if i dont and i end up wasting 7 fucking extra months i could spend trying to achive a dream that, lets face it, unlike a stupid honeymoon or a stupid job, it has a real time limit and a rest of your life impact. god willing i will have two kids. but i need to get started and who knows what that will entail financially or otherwise.
I AM TRYING TO MEDIDTATE. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND STAY IN THE MOMENT. BUT I HATE THIS! I AM DEPRESSED WAITING TO 7 MONTHS TO EVEN START! and i am afraid to talk to my husband about it. he takes it for granted that we will get pregnant right away. but everyone thinks they will.
i could never get myself to trick him, i just don't have it in me. but lord oh lord i wish i could sometimes. i just wish my sponge would stop working and get me pregnant and then neither of us would have to feel responsible but we would have a baby on the way. i wish we could fucking get started. i hate advanced maternal age. i wish i had known all the variables sooner and how horrible it is.
i know this is just a bad day and perhaps i will feel fine in the morning but right now i just want to sleep until i can start trying or start trying NOW! immediately. this matters to me more than anything. if my husband didnt matter to me more than i would just say fuck it but he is the only thing stopping me because he is the only thing that matters to me more than my diminishing chances to conceive. of course i also kind of hate him for making me wait and for taking it for granted that we will just get pregnant or putting other worries ahead of that. i am super depressed. suck fest. :(
gonna try meditating and i hope i feel better tomorrow. this is a private hell.
the average journey seemed to be over one year with many utilizing clomid or IUI or IVF in order to get there. some couldnt at all. i know this may not end up being me. i know that two of my friends got pregnant very quickly past 35. i know that lookin at the boards only makes my stress levels worse. but i can't help it i am scared and a little angry even.
i dont care about my god damn fucking retarded honeymoon. i could give a rats ass if i am skinny for it or that it might be my last change to frolic on my own. i dont give a shit that we have to find jobs and move and get life in order. all i care about is the fact that every month that passes is another month i could be trying to get pregnant and perhaps become closer to reaching that goal or finding out if there are gonna be any issues,.
if there are issues i will HATE these months that i wasted thinking naively that i should wait because id probably become pregnant right away and we have so much to do. what if i dont and i end up wasting 7 fucking extra months i could spend trying to achive a dream that, lets face it, unlike a stupid honeymoon or a stupid job, it has a real time limit and a rest of your life impact. god willing i will have two kids. but i need to get started and who knows what that will entail financially or otherwise.
I AM TRYING TO MEDIDTATE. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND STAY IN THE MOMENT. BUT I HATE THIS! I AM DEPRESSED WAITING TO 7 MONTHS TO EVEN START! and i am afraid to talk to my husband about it. he takes it for granted that we will get pregnant right away. but everyone thinks they will.
i could never get myself to trick him, i just don't have it in me. but lord oh lord i wish i could sometimes. i just wish my sponge would stop working and get me pregnant and then neither of us would have to feel responsible but we would have a baby on the way. i wish we could fucking get started. i hate advanced maternal age. i wish i had known all the variables sooner and how horrible it is.
i know this is just a bad day and perhaps i will feel fine in the morning but right now i just want to sleep until i can start trying or start trying NOW! immediately. this matters to me more than anything. if my husband didnt matter to me more than i would just say fuck it but he is the only thing stopping me because he is the only thing that matters to me more than my diminishing chances to conceive. of course i also kind of hate him for making me wait and for taking it for granted that we will just get pregnant or putting other worries ahead of that. i am super depressed. suck fest. :(
gonna try meditating and i hope i feel better tomorrow. this is a private hell.
Monday, October 10, 2011
thoughts of the future
there is a lot on my mind these days and it has surprisingly been a bit different than my usual MO of late.
First off i am starting to get a bit scared about moving. whereas before i was just raring to go and was actually hoping it would be sooner, now i am starting to really get scared of leaving the city that has been my home for over 15 years.
i have a wonderful apartment here. it's the apartment i met and have spent all my days with my husband in falling in love. dreaming of marriage. becoming cat parents. it will be sad to leave this small but wonderful studio and head off into the unknown. the same goes for the city. i know where everything is and how to get around easily. i'm scared of the change. i know it will be good for us and that life is filled with change but i am scared. all of the sudden the reality of new and unpredictable things is laid before me. how will it affect my marriage? will i change as a person? will i be happy like i have been in new york? only time will tell.
i try to focus on the good things. the things to come. parenthood.
i imagine tiny little trick or treaters of our own. we are getting dressed up too and taking them to the surrounding neighborhoods with glee. putting up decorations and getting excited. i saw and lately have seen often this wonderful sparkling look in my husbands eyes. i think that he is excited for the year to come. excited for playing santa and having a yard and having space for our family.
i am too. i hope that the journey is, not easy because i know it never is, but i do hope that we are able to make at least two beautiful healthy children and give them and each other the life that we want. i hope that my husband likes the job he gets after we move and that i will take to motherhood like a natural. i hope that i can help out too and keep my health and my families in tip top shape.
the dream is starting to feel very real to me and i love that.
in some other fun news my sister started dating a man who seems like a very good prospect. time will tell and they only have their 2nd date tonight but she sees him as a potential boyfriend and i am starting to feel the glimmers of hope that she will find a fun sweet and wonderful husband of her own to father her babies too. i want this for everyone i know who wants it for themselves. for all my darling friends.
time will tell but the future is starting to feel more and more like it's on the horizon. it's scary but it's also incredible. here is hoping that 2012 is a great year full of realized dreams!
First off i am starting to get a bit scared about moving. whereas before i was just raring to go and was actually hoping it would be sooner, now i am starting to really get scared of leaving the city that has been my home for over 15 years.
i have a wonderful apartment here. it's the apartment i met and have spent all my days with my husband in falling in love. dreaming of marriage. becoming cat parents. it will be sad to leave this small but wonderful studio and head off into the unknown. the same goes for the city. i know where everything is and how to get around easily. i'm scared of the change. i know it will be good for us and that life is filled with change but i am scared. all of the sudden the reality of new and unpredictable things is laid before me. how will it affect my marriage? will i change as a person? will i be happy like i have been in new york? only time will tell.
i try to focus on the good things. the things to come. parenthood.
i imagine tiny little trick or treaters of our own. we are getting dressed up too and taking them to the surrounding neighborhoods with glee. putting up decorations and getting excited. i saw and lately have seen often this wonderful sparkling look in my husbands eyes. i think that he is excited for the year to come. excited for playing santa and having a yard and having space for our family.
i am too. i hope that the journey is, not easy because i know it never is, but i do hope that we are able to make at least two beautiful healthy children and give them and each other the life that we want. i hope that my husband likes the job he gets after we move and that i will take to motherhood like a natural. i hope that i can help out too and keep my health and my families in tip top shape.
the dream is starting to feel very real to me and i love that.
in some other fun news my sister started dating a man who seems like a very good prospect. time will tell and they only have their 2nd date tonight but she sees him as a potential boyfriend and i am starting to feel the glimmers of hope that she will find a fun sweet and wonderful husband of her own to father her babies too. i want this for everyone i know who wants it for themselves. for all my darling friends.
time will tell but the future is starting to feel more and more like it's on the horizon. it's scary but it's also incredible. here is hoping that 2012 is a great year full of realized dreams!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Baby Dream is Alive
so a lot of very fun things have happened that are making me feel very aware that my baby journey is just around the corner.
it was my mother i law's birthday the other day and on the night of her birthday she told me that she had a dream that i was pregnant. she said it was so vivid and so beautiful. that it just filled her with love and happiness. she let out and adorable squeal when i mentioned that perhaps by her next birthday i will have a little grandbaby in the oven cooking. from her dreams to gods ears i truly hope that pregnancy is something i am able to achieve with ease and very soon. and above all i wish for healthy babies.
additionally my husband has been talking about kids a lot these days. he is much more vocal about it than ever before and i can really see that we are heading there together in full on mode. he spoke with his good friend about them, a good friend who is not the kid friendly type, and he has very open body language when we speak about it. the other day he not only talked about how seeing chatty little girls made him think of me as a child but our potential daughter. he also spoke of how important it was for us to get health insurance, and good kind, since i will be preggers. he is fully on board and it is so exciting i can hardly stand it.
now i just have to take god care of myself and try to be patient and maintain hope that waiting a few months isn't gonna make a huge difference in my fertility.
in a funny foot note i am kind of kooky doing this i know but i have started stocking up on things for future baby and pregnancy in an effort to have a foundating of things id like and to help temper my babyfever. in the beginning it was just the magazines but now i have gone to the darkside and purchased a set of monkey onsies and a pair of maternity jeans off ebay. i got em at a cheap price. god willing that i will be able to use these things for my babies but if not i can always give them to friends. oh i hope i hope i hope i hope thought!!!!!
it was my mother i law's birthday the other day and on the night of her birthday she told me that she had a dream that i was pregnant. she said it was so vivid and so beautiful. that it just filled her with love and happiness. she let out and adorable squeal when i mentioned that perhaps by her next birthday i will have a little grandbaby in the oven cooking. from her dreams to gods ears i truly hope that pregnancy is something i am able to achieve with ease and very soon. and above all i wish for healthy babies.
additionally my husband has been talking about kids a lot these days. he is much more vocal about it than ever before and i can really see that we are heading there together in full on mode. he spoke with his good friend about them, a good friend who is not the kid friendly type, and he has very open body language when we speak about it. the other day he not only talked about how seeing chatty little girls made him think of me as a child but our potential daughter. he also spoke of how important it was for us to get health insurance, and good kind, since i will be preggers. he is fully on board and it is so exciting i can hardly stand it.
now i just have to take god care of myself and try to be patient and maintain hope that waiting a few months isn't gonna make a huge difference in my fertility.
in a funny foot note i am kind of kooky doing this i know but i have started stocking up on things for future baby and pregnancy in an effort to have a foundating of things id like and to help temper my babyfever. in the beginning it was just the magazines but now i have gone to the darkside and purchased a set of monkey onsies and a pair of maternity jeans off ebay. i got em at a cheap price. god willing that i will be able to use these things for my babies but if not i can always give them to friends. oh i hope i hope i hope i hope thought!!!!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
boards on board
i can't decide if it helps or hurts but message boards are one of my favorite tools in handling any limbo type situation in my life.
when i was dealing with break ups or relationship drama in past relationships they were my answer. when i was waiting for my husband to propose and going insane i would talk to fellow ladies in waiting. and now in my process of waiting to start trying for a baby, and at an advanced age, i am back on em.
i wrote a post asking women who were 35 and pregnant how long it took them to get preggers and if they had any advice. the responses were very mixed. some women were on first or 2nd try. some were waiting 6 months to a year. some took up to three years. some used iui and in vitro. it was very eye opening.
one woman had low ovarian reserve and her mom and aunts went through menopause at 49 and 50. my aunt and grandma were around 51 and my mom was 54. she also said that the AMH and AFC tests were better for accurately measuring ovarian reserve. her FSH levels were not bad but those other tests were what brought her to a new understanding. it's pretty daunting to imagine that FSH alone isn't enough. i am not sure what tests will be covered by my insurance but on another hand i don;t know how long it will be till we have insurance after we move. what to do, what to do?
i can't say these boards temper me much but perhaps they are valuable in keeping me on top of things and educated. if i get to crazy though i may need to go cold turkey and even stop blogging and see how that works. we shall see.
when i was dealing with break ups or relationship drama in past relationships they were my answer. when i was waiting for my husband to propose and going insane i would talk to fellow ladies in waiting. and now in my process of waiting to start trying for a baby, and at an advanced age, i am back on em.
i wrote a post asking women who were 35 and pregnant how long it took them to get preggers and if they had any advice. the responses were very mixed. some women were on first or 2nd try. some were waiting 6 months to a year. some took up to three years. some used iui and in vitro. it was very eye opening.
one woman had low ovarian reserve and her mom and aunts went through menopause at 49 and 50. my aunt and grandma were around 51 and my mom was 54. she also said that the AMH and AFC tests were better for accurately measuring ovarian reserve. her FSH levels were not bad but those other tests were what brought her to a new understanding. it's pretty daunting to imagine that FSH alone isn't enough. i am not sure what tests will be covered by my insurance but on another hand i don;t know how long it will be till we have insurance after we move. what to do, what to do?
i can't say these boards temper me much but perhaps they are valuable in keeping me on top of things and educated. if i get to crazy though i may need to go cold turkey and even stop blogging and see how that works. we shall see.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Just Focusing on my breath
i have been taking a meditation class and it is helping me a lot. I realized that one of my biggest issues is stress and it's the one thing i have not been able to manage well with the idea of trying for a baby.
the meditation is mostly to help me cope with my inability to live in the moment. i did this with getting married and now i am doing it with babies. the extra added nervousness is added with babies do to my age.
i go throug phases where i am fine and happy and living in the moment, appreciating what i have and feeling positive about our time to try and getting my two babies. then i will start to worry about my age and want to try before i turn 35 and as soon as possible. i worry about it taking months or years or not happening. i worry about not having the resources i do now to help me determine issues. i worry. i worry. i worry.
i am trying to live in the moment and not worry but when i read articles like this it's hard:
http://www.globalnews.ca/pregnancy+past+35+puts+firsttime+moms+and+babies+at+increased+risk+study/6442482653/story.html#ixzz1ZIF3tysy
at least i have a wonderful husband who loves me. that is the main thing i have to focus on. he absolutely does not want to start trying before we move and even then he said we can only start if he has a job and we have heath insurance.
i am taking a blood test version of the fertility test next month. i took my second over the counter test and although it read negative there was a test line there. it wasn't as dark as the control line which means negative but it was close enough that it made me want to check my ovarian reserve in a more reliable manner. so here is hoping that my period comes liike clockwork and i can take the test at the end of this month. halloween should be the third day of my period. you can only take the test on the 2nd or 3rd day so if my period comes a day early like it did this month then i will have to wait till November.
i hope all of this concern is over nothing and that we have no issues at all with conceiving healthy babies. it's just so hard not being able to know either way.
i shall try to better meditate through it and enjoy getting in shape and preparing for our honeymoon. not much else i can do. i hope 8 months from now i am announcing that i am pregnant. we shall see. we shall see.
the meditation is mostly to help me cope with my inability to live in the moment. i did this with getting married and now i am doing it with babies. the extra added nervousness is added with babies do to my age.
i go throug phases where i am fine and happy and living in the moment, appreciating what i have and feeling positive about our time to try and getting my two babies. then i will start to worry about my age and want to try before i turn 35 and as soon as possible. i worry about it taking months or years or not happening. i worry about not having the resources i do now to help me determine issues. i worry. i worry. i worry.
i am trying to live in the moment and not worry but when i read articles like this it's hard:
http://www.globalnews.ca/pregnancy+past+35+puts+firsttime+moms+and+babies+at+increased+risk+study/6442482653/story.html#ixzz1ZIF3tysy
at least i have a wonderful husband who loves me. that is the main thing i have to focus on. he absolutely does not want to start trying before we move and even then he said we can only start if he has a job and we have heath insurance.
i am taking a blood test version of the fertility test next month. i took my second over the counter test and although it read negative there was a test line there. it wasn't as dark as the control line which means negative but it was close enough that it made me want to check my ovarian reserve in a more reliable manner. so here is hoping that my period comes liike clockwork and i can take the test at the end of this month. halloween should be the third day of my period. you can only take the test on the 2nd or 3rd day so if my period comes a day early like it did this month then i will have to wait till November.
i hope all of this concern is over nothing and that we have no issues at all with conceiving healthy babies. it's just so hard not being able to know either way.
i shall try to better meditate through it and enjoy getting in shape and preparing for our honeymoon. not much else i can do. i hope 8 months from now i am announcing that i am pregnant. we shall see. we shall see.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Bloooooze
i watched a really crappy movie called baby fever and it totally sucked donkey balls BUT it did touch on some of the stress and sadness we women go through when we are thinking about having kids.
i feel super depressed today. most likely due to the fact that i am PMSing like a bitch this month. i haven't had a cycle this crazy since back in 1999 when i went on Ortho Tri Cyclen. my breasts have been super sore and heavy for about a week now. i have had some mild cramping and major ups and downs.
i wonder if the 22lbs i gained since May has had an affect too. i know ortho tri cyclen is a high estrogen pill so that could also affect things.
anyway i find myself feeling sad, confused and paranoid. i had an awful dream that my sweet and eternally faithful husband cheated on me and got the girl pregnant and we were splitting up. at one point in the dream i said "but we were supposed to grow old together." and he said "i know honey. i know." we cried. ofcourse it was just a dream but it made me feel so sad. we hugged and kissed this morning. i love him so much. i am so lucky to have found him.
i do feel a bit bored in our life right now and not as sexy or potent as i once did. i really need to make some changes and get my passion and fire back.
i also just sat down at lunch and had a long hard cry. i cried and thought about my new paranoia which is pre mature menopause. my mother had hers around 54 but my grandma was only in her mid to early 40s and i just started worrying because i know that once you reach the 10 years before menopause it becomes very hard or nearly impossible to conceive. i am so scared about this and even though i only have to wait a week and 7 months until we start to try it is very hard to wait and not to know. i have no idea how long it will take us to conceive or if we can at all. it's scary and sad and upsetting. in the movie baby fever the woman cries up a storm and she has a little hope chest filled with baby girl clothes that she looks at and cries wondering if she will ever have that. i must confess that i bought an adorable set of monkey onsies that i have hidden and look at when i feel sad. since i don't care if i have boys or girls or one of each i just look at it and imagine mine and my husbands perfect little monkey in the outfit. it makes me smile but i also cry because i have no way to know if we will be able to make this dream a reality.
Please god. Please. PLEASE! i know you were already so generous with me. you have given me amazing friends, an amazing family, the perfect cat, and the perfect husband who loves and cherishes me dearly. please bring us at least one and if you can manage it two (or more) healthy babies so that our family may be complete. thank you. Amen.
i feel super depressed today. most likely due to the fact that i am PMSing like a bitch this month. i haven't had a cycle this crazy since back in 1999 when i went on Ortho Tri Cyclen. my breasts have been super sore and heavy for about a week now. i have had some mild cramping and major ups and downs.
i wonder if the 22lbs i gained since May has had an affect too. i know ortho tri cyclen is a high estrogen pill so that could also affect things.
anyway i find myself feeling sad, confused and paranoid. i had an awful dream that my sweet and eternally faithful husband cheated on me and got the girl pregnant and we were splitting up. at one point in the dream i said "but we were supposed to grow old together." and he said "i know honey. i know." we cried. ofcourse it was just a dream but it made me feel so sad. we hugged and kissed this morning. i love him so much. i am so lucky to have found him.
i do feel a bit bored in our life right now and not as sexy or potent as i once did. i really need to make some changes and get my passion and fire back.
i also just sat down at lunch and had a long hard cry. i cried and thought about my new paranoia which is pre mature menopause. my mother had hers around 54 but my grandma was only in her mid to early 40s and i just started worrying because i know that once you reach the 10 years before menopause it becomes very hard or nearly impossible to conceive. i am so scared about this and even though i only have to wait a week and 7 months until we start to try it is very hard to wait and not to know. i have no idea how long it will take us to conceive or if we can at all. it's scary and sad and upsetting. in the movie baby fever the woman cries up a storm and she has a little hope chest filled with baby girl clothes that she looks at and cries wondering if she will ever have that. i must confess that i bought an adorable set of monkey onsies that i have hidden and look at when i feel sad. since i don't care if i have boys or girls or one of each i just look at it and imagine mine and my husbands perfect little monkey in the outfit. it makes me smile but i also cry because i have no way to know if we will be able to make this dream a reality.
Please god. Please. PLEASE! i know you were already so generous with me. you have given me amazing friends, an amazing family, the perfect cat, and the perfect husband who loves and cherishes me dearly. please bring us at least one and if you can manage it two (or more) healthy babies so that our family may be complete. thank you. Amen.
Monday, September 26, 2011
things i wanna do before we try
get in ridiculous shape. enjoy my pre baby untarnished body. sort of like my wedding but less on the skinny side and more on the toned side.
design and get a sweet tattoo
get my drink on!
enjoy dates and romance and all that entails.
strengthen my marriage by working through any and all kinks now.
design and get a sweet tattoo
get my drink on!
enjoy dates and romance and all that entails.
strengthen my marriage by working through any and all kinks now.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Let's get Physical
went in for my physical today! i booked this appointment over 2 months ago so i was really happy to get in there and talk with my primary care. she is just great. she did an ekg and various blood tests. the last physical i got was in 2008 when i was still smoking. i have been eating much healthier, quit the smoking and just feel better in general. it will be good though to find out if i am anemic and all that stuff. Also i may want to schedule some dental work soon. can;t decide if i should risk this botched root canal and wait it out or do it in the coming months. I bet dental is cheaper in Oregon so perhaps i will wait till we get there or try to price it out in advance and do it there. i just am not sure what our finances will be like.
i do need to lose that weight. i was shocked to see i have gained a little over 20lbs ssince my wedding. WOW! i mean, about 6lbs of that was me underweight but the other 15 is just wrong. I was supposed to start my diet but then i got sick and all i wanted to do was feed a cold. so i feel gross but getting weighed by the doctor was a huge fantastic wake up call for me to get my act together!
sexy by honeymoon! that is my goal. and it will make it all that much hotter if i am nice and fit when we honeymoon and then come May/June when we start the baby dancing. i want to wear sexy outfits for it and make it fun instead of being the gross erection killing beast holding an ovulation stick and putting her legs in the air. reminds me of bad lifetime for tv movies or gross whatshername in big lebowski. i have always found her kind of gross. not me! i am gonna be the sex pot if i can help it. so there is motivation. Honeymoon is the deadline. i am feeling better now too so it's oooon!
P.S. Watched part of a god awful indie film called Babyfever. it was really cheesy and dumb. one of the lead actors was JD Salingers son Matt Salinger! Ha! amazingly bad but not in the way where you can stand to watch.
i do need to lose that weight. i was shocked to see i have gained a little over 20lbs ssince my wedding. WOW! i mean, about 6lbs of that was me underweight but the other 15 is just wrong. I was supposed to start my diet but then i got sick and all i wanted to do was feed a cold. so i feel gross but getting weighed by the doctor was a huge fantastic wake up call for me to get my act together!
sexy by honeymoon! that is my goal. and it will make it all that much hotter if i am nice and fit when we honeymoon and then come May/June when we start the baby dancing. i want to wear sexy outfits for it and make it fun instead of being the gross erection killing beast holding an ovulation stick and putting her legs in the air. reminds me of bad lifetime for tv movies or gross whatshername in big lebowski. i have always found her kind of gross. not me! i am gonna be the sex pot if i can help it. so there is motivation. Honeymoon is the deadline. i am feeling better now too so it's oooon!
P.S. Watched part of a god awful indie film called Babyfever. it was really cheesy and dumb. one of the lead actors was JD Salingers son Matt Salinger! Ha! amazingly bad but not in the way where you can stand to watch.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sicko
no updates cause i have been feeling too sicky to even think about baby futures.
i did have a very nice time though talking with my mother in law about it and i can tell she is very excited for us and for the possibility of me being preggo with a grandbaby next year. she is just the most wonderful mother in law so i know she will be an amazing grandmother. the way she was with our cat alone indicates that.
things have also been really solid between Joel and i. we are both looking forward to out honeymoon and out move and i have calmed down a lot since he said he is open to trying soon after the move if things go well with our job search. he also reminded me that i should enjoy this time and enjoy our love and our freedom. it's important not to forget to appreciate what you have.
my sister and i aren't speaking right now because she had the audacity to make foreboding comments about my life and my marriage. she did this mostly because she felt i was judging her by expecting her to have a new plan of action after she ruined her phone and i was gonna let her have my old one. her response was to act like she could do nothing about it and then throw down the phone and leave while calling me a bitch. that was fine but then the next day she started telling me to watch out because my life was gonna fall apart and bla bla bla and she wouldn't be there. she told me i used to be cool but now i am a judgemental housewife. i told her i am sick of her and sick of being on this roller coaster. i don't need that kind of dark cloud on my life. i may not always do or say the right thing but i never threaten her or maliciously try to pull her down from a good mood. she does that shit to me constantly and i am just done. she deleted me from facebook and seems to be taking her usual shithead ruthless stance. so screw her. i hope she finds love and happiness and experiences all the wonders in life but i am not gonna be shit upon by her. end of story.
i did have a very nice time though talking with my mother in law about it and i can tell she is very excited for us and for the possibility of me being preggo with a grandbaby next year. she is just the most wonderful mother in law so i know she will be an amazing grandmother. the way she was with our cat alone indicates that.
things have also been really solid between Joel and i. we are both looking forward to out honeymoon and out move and i have calmed down a lot since he said he is open to trying soon after the move if things go well with our job search. he also reminded me that i should enjoy this time and enjoy our love and our freedom. it's important not to forget to appreciate what you have.
my sister and i aren't speaking right now because she had the audacity to make foreboding comments about my life and my marriage. she did this mostly because she felt i was judging her by expecting her to have a new plan of action after she ruined her phone and i was gonna let her have my old one. her response was to act like she could do nothing about it and then throw down the phone and leave while calling me a bitch. that was fine but then the next day she started telling me to watch out because my life was gonna fall apart and bla bla bla and she wouldn't be there. she told me i used to be cool but now i am a judgemental housewife. i told her i am sick of her and sick of being on this roller coaster. i don't need that kind of dark cloud on my life. i may not always do or say the right thing but i never threaten her or maliciously try to pull her down from a good mood. she does that shit to me constantly and i am just done. she deleted me from facebook and seems to be taking her usual shithead ruthless stance. so screw her. i hope she finds love and happiness and experiences all the wonders in life but i am not gonna be shit upon by her. end of story.
Friday, September 16, 2011
OPK +
YES! positive this morning. i got my LH surge on what should be the day before i ovulate. i usually ovulate on day 16 of my cycle so today being day 15 means it makes a lot of sense for me to LH today.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
OPK update
so far not plus sign. i got a test line that was ALMOST as dark as the other line but not as dark or darker and according to OPKs anything less than is a negative. i may test again this evening if i can muster it. i haven't seen an acutal positive yet if thats the case but i also havent tested THAT much. so expensive. we shall see.....
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
DIE IT!
i am on a diet. it's not as intense as my wedding diet and workout regime but i figure since i have only 8 months till we start trying and will probably want to start putting on some pre-conception padding at least 2 months or so prior to that, now is my last chance to enjoy my pre baby body in a toned and taught state. ive gained quite a bit of weight since going off the pill and post wedding overeating so i have my work more cut out for me that usual.
i know i am not not fat right now but i also don't feel like i am in my best shape. i also know that no matter how hard i work to get my post baby weight off my body will never be the same again after childbirth. i don't think it will go completely to pot but i expect to have stretch marks (i am genetically predisposed and even have them from when i developed my tiny little breast and my ample bottom at 13/14) and stretchy saggy belly and boobies. it will all be worth it and im not too sad but since i have some time in between and a few amazing experiences to get under my belt prior to this new and amazing endeavor i figure i might as well do it looking and feeling fabulous.
i love carbohydrates and i hate strict diets but in order to get these stubborn first few off i am only eating carbs with breakfast. i can have fruit or veggies and perhaps a teeny tiny serving of grains but not heavy carbs for lunch or dinner.
i am also upping the ante on my workouts. trying to amp their intensity and put on more muscle. i have a belly right now that almost makes me look like i am pregnant which is not only bumming me out because this is my last chance to look fierce but it's also kind of messing with my head.
my mother in law is in town this weekend so i will have to work hard not to drink or eat to many calories when she is taking us out. it actually might be a bit easier though since i can order items that are healthy and tend to be a bit priceyer than my ordinary fare budget.
so my weight now is about 132 and my first goal is to be about 120-125 (i was 112-116 for my wedding). we shall see how it goes. i'll keep posting my progress.
i know i am not not fat right now but i also don't feel like i am in my best shape. i also know that no matter how hard i work to get my post baby weight off my body will never be the same again after childbirth. i don't think it will go completely to pot but i expect to have stretch marks (i am genetically predisposed and even have them from when i developed my tiny little breast and my ample bottom at 13/14) and stretchy saggy belly and boobies. it will all be worth it and im not too sad but since i have some time in between and a few amazing experiences to get under my belt prior to this new and amazing endeavor i figure i might as well do it looking and feeling fabulous.
i love carbohydrates and i hate strict diets but in order to get these stubborn first few off i am only eating carbs with breakfast. i can have fruit or veggies and perhaps a teeny tiny serving of grains but not heavy carbs for lunch or dinner.
i am also upping the ante on my workouts. trying to amp their intensity and put on more muscle. i have a belly right now that almost makes me look like i am pregnant which is not only bumming me out because this is my last chance to look fierce but it's also kind of messing with my head.
my mother in law is in town this weekend so i will have to work hard not to drink or eat to many calories when she is taking us out. it actually might be a bit easier though since i can order items that are healthy and tend to be a bit priceyer than my ordinary fare budget.
so my weight now is about 132 and my first goal is to be about 120-125 (i was 112-116 for my wedding). we shall see how it goes. i'll keep posting my progress.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
OPK, OKAY?
so, i know it's odd but i have been doing OPK's since i started charting. i just want as many corroborative signs of ovulation as i can possibly have so that when our time to start trying comes i know i am in good shape.
the funny and frustrating thing about determining ovulation is that you can still not be ovulating even if you show signs of ovulation in one format, i.e. BB temping or checking CM for fertile quality. but if you start syncing them all up and they all meet the signs you have a much better idea that you are indeed ovulating.
OPK's will only tell you if you are producing the hormone that causes ovulation but you can produce the hormone and not ovulate so you have to check it against your temps and CM and all kinds of other signals.
this is my 3rd month of OPKs and i have only gotten a positive the first month AND that positive is somehting i wish i had photographed because im starting to wonder if it was accurate or not. OPKs are very tempermental things and not only do you have to test repeatedly and throughout the day in order to catch the LH surge but you can also screw up the result by drinking too much water or not holding your urine for long enough. with all this information it is very expensive and difficult to determine if the test is a fair judge or if you are just administering it incorrectly.
my friend who has a daughter took 3 months to conceive and she didn't chart temps but instead used OPKs on the 9th day after her period, caught her surge and would then go for it. she told me that she was feeling less certain she wanted to try for a baby the month she finally conceived. she also said she did the acrobatics but her conception was not missionary but from behind. i guess some rules are meant to be broken.
i am only on cycle day 12 so i doubt i will hit my surge but i am gonna OPK today and until day 16 just in case. i'll let ya know if i get a +
the funny and frustrating thing about determining ovulation is that you can still not be ovulating even if you show signs of ovulation in one format, i.e. BB temping or checking CM for fertile quality. but if you start syncing them all up and they all meet the signs you have a much better idea that you are indeed ovulating.
OPK's will only tell you if you are producing the hormone that causes ovulation but you can produce the hormone and not ovulate so you have to check it against your temps and CM and all kinds of other signals.
this is my 3rd month of OPKs and i have only gotten a positive the first month AND that positive is somehting i wish i had photographed because im starting to wonder if it was accurate or not. OPKs are very tempermental things and not only do you have to test repeatedly and throughout the day in order to catch the LH surge but you can also screw up the result by drinking too much water or not holding your urine for long enough. with all this information it is very expensive and difficult to determine if the test is a fair judge or if you are just administering it incorrectly.
my friend who has a daughter took 3 months to conceive and she didn't chart temps but instead used OPKs on the 9th day after her period, caught her surge and would then go for it. she told me that she was feeling less certain she wanted to try for a baby the month she finally conceived. she also said she did the acrobatics but her conception was not missionary but from behind. i guess some rules are meant to be broken.
i am only on cycle day 12 so i doubt i will hit my surge but i am gonna OPK today and until day 16 just in case. i'll let ya know if i get a +
Monday, September 12, 2011
tick toc
i have been thinking a lot about pregnancy these days but after spending sometime with my friend and her daughter this last weekend i am really starting to think about motherhood and parenting more now.
it's really funny to me how much i have changed with age. i even surprise myself.
after spending time with my friend and her daughter i am sure for sure that i am a goner. it was exhausting. she was having terrible separation anxiety and throwing tantrums. and yet after all that i have never wanted something more.
i long so deeply for Husband and i to have our own babies to love. it seems like it would be so amazing to be so needed. i know it's a lot of hard work but even with my friends daughter i felt like all i wanted to do was to nurture her and teach her and protect her. i felt envious of their love and their closeness. my friend is an amazing mother. she is very strict about what her daughter eats and only feeds her whole organic foods. as a result she doesn't even really like sugary things. she is not very good about leaving her daughter or letting her cry but on top of it with the healthy foods and naps and keeping her schedule. she just feels like she is being torn up inside when she hears her little girl cry for her. i can only imagine.
my husband will make the most incredible father. this is also something i think about a lot. i think we will be the kind of parents that make out children's lives full of fun and wonderment and dreams. i also think that we will be good at showing discipline and restraint where it will teach them. i'm sure there will be times when we don't completely see eye to eye on parenting styles but for the most part it seems like we are on the same exact page. i enjoyed my childhood but most of the discipline i was given didn't seem like it was designed to teach me anything, but instead just to control me. i am hoping that as a parent i will discipline my little ones in ways that will make them learn how to live with respect and ways they can understand as lessons for their own good.
i know it will be hard for me not to worry about my children when they are old enough to start doing things on their own. i can understand how my mother felt when she worried about me crossing the street and such. i hope that i will be brave enough to show them how to do things but not try to do it for them or prevent them from it or coddle.
it's very interesting and exciting to think about having a baby in my life. the hardest part about that is that it will be almost 2 years till there is an actual baby present and the true mothering can begin. but i think that's good too because i will have time to prepare and read up and enjoy my husband and our time just us while still knowing our little babies are on the horizon.
i think parenthood is gonna be an amazing new chapter though. i really do.
it's really funny to me how much i have changed with age. i even surprise myself.
after spending time with my friend and her daughter i am sure for sure that i am a goner. it was exhausting. she was having terrible separation anxiety and throwing tantrums. and yet after all that i have never wanted something more.
i long so deeply for Husband and i to have our own babies to love. it seems like it would be so amazing to be so needed. i know it's a lot of hard work but even with my friends daughter i felt like all i wanted to do was to nurture her and teach her and protect her. i felt envious of their love and their closeness. my friend is an amazing mother. she is very strict about what her daughter eats and only feeds her whole organic foods. as a result she doesn't even really like sugary things. she is not very good about leaving her daughter or letting her cry but on top of it with the healthy foods and naps and keeping her schedule. she just feels like she is being torn up inside when she hears her little girl cry for her. i can only imagine.
my husband will make the most incredible father. this is also something i think about a lot. i think we will be the kind of parents that make out children's lives full of fun and wonderment and dreams. i also think that we will be good at showing discipline and restraint where it will teach them. i'm sure there will be times when we don't completely see eye to eye on parenting styles but for the most part it seems like we are on the same exact page. i enjoyed my childhood but most of the discipline i was given didn't seem like it was designed to teach me anything, but instead just to control me. i am hoping that as a parent i will discipline my little ones in ways that will make them learn how to live with respect and ways they can understand as lessons for their own good.
i know it will be hard for me not to worry about my children when they are old enough to start doing things on their own. i can understand how my mother felt when she worried about me crossing the street and such. i hope that i will be brave enough to show them how to do things but not try to do it for them or prevent them from it or coddle.
it's very interesting and exciting to think about having a baby in my life. the hardest part about that is that it will be almost 2 years till there is an actual baby present and the true mothering can begin. but i think that's good too because i will have time to prepare and read up and enjoy my husband and our time just us while still knowing our little babies are on the horizon.
i think parenthood is gonna be an amazing new chapter though. i really do.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Sitting on It
my friend who has an adorable one and a half year old is visiting from out of town and i am so excited. i already volunteered to babysit for her for free anytime. i really need to learn kid skills. the last time i babysat i was a self centered 13 year old. the child belonged to our 19 year old neighbor. his name was anthony and he was cute as pie but i was no pro and all i remember about caring for him was that he cried during my favorite mtv shows and made me miss them.
well now i have changed a million times over in attitude but being baby crazy does not make one baby care savvy.
it is also a challenge because virtually NONE of my friend have babies. the total count of close friends who have babies is three and one is expecting now. the total number of those friends who live in new york currently is ZERO unless you count my friend who is expecting and she will have her baby right around the time my husband and i sail off to oregon!
so i hope that my friend's short stay allows me some baby face time. i really wouldn't feel comfortable offering free babysitting to a total stranger, especially since the whole point is to learn a few things. i know i will not let anyone i don't know (and maybe even the ones i do) watch my baby unless they know what they are doing so...here we are!
well now i have changed a million times over in attitude but being baby crazy does not make one baby care savvy.
it is also a challenge because virtually NONE of my friend have babies. the total count of close friends who have babies is three and one is expecting now. the total number of those friends who live in new york currently is ZERO unless you count my friend who is expecting and she will have her baby right around the time my husband and i sail off to oregon!
so i hope that my friend's short stay allows me some baby face time. i really wouldn't feel comfortable offering free babysitting to a total stranger, especially since the whole point is to learn a few things. i know i will not let anyone i don't know (and maybe even the ones i do) watch my baby unless they know what they are doing so...here we are!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Ovu-4-later
despite the fact that i have mellowed out a great deal and feel less of a sense of urgency regarding my whole procreating path than i once did, i am still very much on top of mapping my course and keeping myself prepared and educated for when the time comes.
this weekend i saw friends and i was further motivated to stay on my planning course by their stores. one couple i know have been trying for a baby since april. she went off the pill that same month and they started trying immediately. they have not had success yet and they just had blood work done to make sure all is well. she has had a lot of extreme stress at her job which may have contributed along with only being off the pill a short time. she is 37 and he is 29. she hasn't really been charting her cycle. they are a set example of proof to me that having these basic facts handy and understood in advance can really help things along. not to say that there couldn't be other issue either way but since they have been talking about this for a year and she is of advanced maternal age it might have been nice for them to have been able to rule these things out sooner had they went off the pill sooner and perhaps gotten earlier blood work or quit smoking and drinking sooner. not that i criticize them because to each their own. they told me and my husband about this awful partying couple and how they got accidentally pregnant and how annoying it was to her. it's totally annoying and further proof that what happens for others means nothing for ourselves. we have to only hope for the best but expect nothing no matter how much we think we will never be one of those people who struggles. i only know myself well enough to know that i feel comfortable with a lot more prep work. i am sending big baby dust to those too. they will make great parents!
i also found out that my friend who is pregnant had been trying since September of 2010 but she didn't actually chart or pay attention to cycles until two months prior to their conception which seems to be in may. to me that indicates that no matter what we would like to believe, it's always gonna be easier for a woman to conceive when she has sex at the right times.
some sadder news was meeting up with an old colleague and friend who has been caring for her mother with Alzheimer's Disease. she is 36 and has been giving her whole life over to her mothers care. she has always wanted a child her whole life but this has made relationships and the idea of caring for a child alone impossible for her. it was heartbreaking to hear. she hasn't had a period in months. again, i commend her dedication but i can't help but think that i would do things differently. she has given her life for her mothers and as sad as that is and as much as she doesn't want to ruin her mothers quality of life by putting her in a home clearly she has forsaken her own quality of life and future i the process. it's not too late yet and she is open to many procedures including donor sperm. i just hope she doesn't miss her chance trying to fight for her mother who already is slipping away. she has a chance for her own future and i think she would be a great mom and could find love and happiness too if she let things go a bit more. i am sending her all my well wishes. what a terrible thing to go through. she lost her father very young too and her brother seems to be only minimally helpful. sending her baby dust and the hope for many improvement too!
so i am calmer now but still very active in doing what i can. i had a very odd period this month. two days of pink spotting starting the 27th day and then my period finally came with a vengeance on the day it was due. this is only my second month off the pill and so it seems i am ovulating but i can't really be certain just yet. i took the FIRST RESPONSE FERTILITY TEST on the 3rd day after the spotting started but i am saving the second stick for next cycle because im not sure i trust the reading since my period usually only has one day of spotting. it read me as normal FSH levels. we shall see. by months 4-6 of charting i feel like i will have a better true indication of my cycles. i did, for fun and for ballpark planning, check my ovulation dates starting may (when we are to begin trying) and i several months worth including guesstimated due dates. obviously these can change based on how my next few cycles go but here they how. how exciting to think we might be trying for a baby on these dates.
who knows what will happen when the time comes and what we will go through. i have no way of predicting that. what i do know is that i am as prepared as i can be, my child will be 100% wanted and planned, and i have the wonderful gift of being married to the love of my life who will always be there for me and i for him no matter what we go through. that is something that, though i have always believed it, has really sunk in and been sent home for me these past few weeks. after our struggles and our panic on each side of this journey we have both come to such a wonderful place of love, respect and honor. i feel very good about what i have. so good that i know that so long as we give it our all and see it through in every way possible, the outcome will be okay. it's all i ever dreamed of in life and no matter how much i worry about being of advanced maternal age, the plain fact is that i wouldn't trade it in a million years if it meant i couldn't experience it with this man. the love of my life. my soul mate. he is what makes this so right. i love you husband!!!!
this weekend i saw friends and i was further motivated to stay on my planning course by their stores. one couple i know have been trying for a baby since april. she went off the pill that same month and they started trying immediately. they have not had success yet and they just had blood work done to make sure all is well. she has had a lot of extreme stress at her job which may have contributed along with only being off the pill a short time. she is 37 and he is 29. she hasn't really been charting her cycle. they are a set example of proof to me that having these basic facts handy and understood in advance can really help things along. not to say that there couldn't be other issue either way but since they have been talking about this for a year and she is of advanced maternal age it might have been nice for them to have been able to rule these things out sooner had they went off the pill sooner and perhaps gotten earlier blood work or quit smoking and drinking sooner. not that i criticize them because to each their own. they told me and my husband about this awful partying couple and how they got accidentally pregnant and how annoying it was to her. it's totally annoying and further proof that what happens for others means nothing for ourselves. we have to only hope for the best but expect nothing no matter how much we think we will never be one of those people who struggles. i only know myself well enough to know that i feel comfortable with a lot more prep work. i am sending big baby dust to those too. they will make great parents!
i also found out that my friend who is pregnant had been trying since September of 2010 but she didn't actually chart or pay attention to cycles until two months prior to their conception which seems to be in may. to me that indicates that no matter what we would like to believe, it's always gonna be easier for a woman to conceive when she has sex at the right times.
some sadder news was meeting up with an old colleague and friend who has been caring for her mother with Alzheimer's Disease. she is 36 and has been giving her whole life over to her mothers care. she has always wanted a child her whole life but this has made relationships and the idea of caring for a child alone impossible for her. it was heartbreaking to hear. she hasn't had a period in months. again, i commend her dedication but i can't help but think that i would do things differently. she has given her life for her mothers and as sad as that is and as much as she doesn't want to ruin her mothers quality of life by putting her in a home clearly she has forsaken her own quality of life and future i the process. it's not too late yet and she is open to many procedures including donor sperm. i just hope she doesn't miss her chance trying to fight for her mother who already is slipping away. she has a chance for her own future and i think she would be a great mom and could find love and happiness too if she let things go a bit more. i am sending her all my well wishes. what a terrible thing to go through. she lost her father very young too and her brother seems to be only minimally helpful. sending her baby dust and the hope for many improvement too!
so i am calmer now but still very active in doing what i can. i had a very odd period this month. two days of pink spotting starting the 27th day and then my period finally came with a vengeance on the day it was due. this is only my second month off the pill and so it seems i am ovulating but i can't really be certain just yet. i took the FIRST RESPONSE FERTILITY TEST on the 3rd day after the spotting started but i am saving the second stick for next cycle because im not sure i trust the reading since my period usually only has one day of spotting. it read me as normal FSH levels. we shall see. by months 4-6 of charting i feel like i will have a better true indication of my cycles. i did, for fun and for ballpark planning, check my ovulation dates starting may (when we are to begin trying) and i several months worth including guesstimated due dates. obviously these can change based on how my next few cycles go but here they how. how exciting to think we might be trying for a baby on these dates.
| Fertile days | Resulting due date |
|---|---|
| May 3, 2012 - May 8, 2012 | January 27, 2013 |
| June 1, 2012 - June 6, 2012 | February 25, 2013 |
| June 30, 2012 - July 5, 2012 | March 26, 2013 |
| July 29, 2012 - August 3, 2012 | April 24, 2013 |
| August 27, 2012 - September 1, 2012 | May 23, 2013 |
| September 25, 2012 - September 30, 2012 | June 21, 2013 |
who knows what will happen when the time comes and what we will go through. i have no way of predicting that. what i do know is that i am as prepared as i can be, my child will be 100% wanted and planned, and i have the wonderful gift of being married to the love of my life who will always be there for me and i for him no matter what we go through. that is something that, though i have always believed it, has really sunk in and been sent home for me these past few weeks. after our struggles and our panic on each side of this journey we have both come to such a wonderful place of love, respect and honor. i feel very good about what i have. so good that i know that so long as we give it our all and see it through in every way possible, the outcome will be okay. it's all i ever dreamed of in life and no matter how much i worry about being of advanced maternal age, the plain fact is that i wouldn't trade it in a million years if it meant i couldn't experience it with this man. the love of my life. my soul mate. he is what makes this so right. i love you husband!!!!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Leveling out
i feel like i have calmed down a bit over the last week. there was supposed to be this big hurricane in nyc. it was a no show but getting ready for it and holing up with my husband made me realize how lucky i am and that as much as i am longing for and concerned about pregnancy, i must also appreciate my wonderful husband and kitty. we have such an amazing love and life together. they are my everything. my husband is this wonderful dream come true. the kind you wish on a star for.
things have been really great between us lately. he brought me flowers and we had amazing sex. he has been cute and playful and taking care of me and kitty. i think the coolest thing about having a child will be the fact that he is the daddy! oh joy! playing santa and easter bunny. cuddling together. it will be a dream.
i am going to my gyn because i have been bleeding a teeny bit post coital lately. i think it's from dryness that the pill caused and can sometimes hang around but i am gonna check it out just in case. i once had a cut on my cervix from getting a little too rough as well. plus my sister has fibroids and ive read about things that are not so nice so i'll be on the safe side. that appt is Sept. 13th so i will post here afterwards. Then my full physical is Sept. 22nd. heres hoping things are honkey dory!
things have been really great between us lately. he brought me flowers and we had amazing sex. he has been cute and playful and taking care of me and kitty. i think the coolest thing about having a child will be the fact that he is the daddy! oh joy! playing santa and easter bunny. cuddling together. it will be a dream.
i am going to my gyn because i have been bleeding a teeny bit post coital lately. i think it's from dryness that the pill caused and can sometimes hang around but i am gonna check it out just in case. i once had a cut on my cervix from getting a little too rough as well. plus my sister has fibroids and ive read about things that are not so nice so i'll be on the safe side. that appt is Sept. 13th so i will post here afterwards. Then my full physical is Sept. 22nd. heres hoping things are honkey dory!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
discontent is a lonley continent
tough day today and lats night. i must admit that i am feeling very scared i wont be able to conceive quickly and easily and it is making me feel really depressed. my husband was privy to my being withdrawn last night and he pulled it out of me despite my not wanting to talk about it just yet: i want to try sooner than our agreed upon time frame. Ideally after we return from honeymoon. He was calm but upset and went for a walk.
When he returned things were peaceful and i told him that i understood his feelings too and it wasn't like my apprehension wasn't due to the fact that i knew it was asking a lot and that he might not agree to it. it's more than just the very real readiness and the yearning, i am scared it will take months or maybe even years and i really want at least two children. I will be grateful for only one but i will hate myself and always regret not trying sooner if i can't have one let alone two because i waited. Adoption is wonderful and something i am open to but it's very hard for a family of modest income to adopt and that process can also take years and not always find an infant. it's something id love to do but it's not my first choice.
my husband got very upset though and what really hurt me is that he started to make it personal. he told me he sometimes feels like i don't care about him but only his sperm. that he has been replaced or over ruled by this idea of motherhood and our not even yet born baby. I told him that i was happy to do whatever i could to reassure him and to make him feel more loved if i could. lately i have definitely been craving more romance between us and i feel like we both have been a bit lazt with eachother. That said: his observation was not only threatening but completely out of line. to decide that my longing and urgency for a child excludes him or demotes him is not only hurtful but it is like asking someone to choose keeping their left leg over being with you. No, not because you NEED a left leg to live, and NO not because they NEED you to get rid of that leg in order to survive. It's a choice. A selfish and inconsiderate choice. and i was upfront with him from the beginning of our 3 years that i not only wanted to have kids but i would want them very soon because my age is a factor. i didn;t even know how grim it was statistically back then or i probably would have asked sooner at the time. but he never had anmy doubt in his mind that i needed someone to want this to in order to proceed and that without that it was a deal breaker. he asked me point blank 'this isnt gonna havppen but hypothetically if i said i absolutely did not want to have children would you leave me?" it made me cringe then when i told him "you would give me no choice. i would have to leave but it would be horrible." he said "great good to know where i stand." and acted like a wounded puppy. actually it was worse than that. he had this quiet disappointment. it made me sick and makes me even sicker and more angry to think of it again. what an asshole!!! i told him point blank that i would leave him if he cheated on me too. i wouldn't want to but i would feel betrayed and i would feel like i couldn't trust him. like the vows he made to me meant nothing. it's that same thing with children. in his vows he vowed to check on our children at night. it's not only a disgusting thing to try to make me feel guilty or to feel sorry for himself because i won't stay with him even if he abuses my trust and wants only a selfish life. it would be fraud and a total lack of respect for him to turn around and decide something so huge when he knew it was important to me. then he told me he felt like he was not only going to be losing all these freedoms but was also losing his wife even before the fact. that he hates who i have become with this baby fever. i can meet him halfway on that one, and i would like to make sure that my yearning doesn't prevent me from being a loving and attentive wife and partner to him but i also feel like i have been and like he is essentially telling me that unless i stay exactly the same with exactly the same priorities my entire life i am not the woman he married. that's a tall and unfair order. we both are changing and have changed over time. my vision for us is that we support each others dreams and work hard to be honest and open and respectful. that we will create a beautiful family and be warm and cozy and loving and always hold each other and our family as above all else in importance. that things like the ability to be selfish or only care for each other will be outweighed by the ability to be wonderful and nurture mother and father together and create love and stability not just for each other or for ourselves but for our offspring. he asked me if i would use a donor to have a baby if he left me and i told him i would but it would be the last resort and i would be heartbroken and feel saddened in doing so. oh i feel so distraught just thinking of all of this. even though he reassured me that its not so it made me feel so uneasy and so much like he sees this as only for me and that i see it that way too. i see this very much as a shared experience. i wanna cry thinking about it.
later i walked to work with him and he was sweet and softened, he told me that he does want these things but just wants to do it right and not have to rely on his folks or anyone. i told him i can understand that but that to me it was more important to have our babies than to have everything laid out perfectly and i truly believe that people rise to the occasion when push comes to shove. i told him i understand and respect his fears but it can't be something we take for granted where my fertility and time are concerned. i know his mom and dad had to move home and his dad built his empire slowly. my parents, god bless them, were just free wheeling the whole thing. i don't like either of those scenarios ideally but i still think both were, and i know our parents do too, 100% worth it. i think we would fall somewhere in between too. i know we could never be as laid back and willy nilly about it as my parents but i also know we will strive not to have daddy working and traveling too much even if it means our resources are a bit tighter or more modest and creatively attained. as they say there is never a good time to have a baby.
so here we are. i think we will be okay and we will both be happy with the ends but it's very hard. i am gonna try to temper myself as best i can. i still feel uneasy about some of his comments and perspective but im hoping that will dissipate. No one every said it was easy.
Husband was cute towards the end of our walk and told me he loves me so much and that maybe if we find jobs and he has insurance we can start right after the move. i could see in his sweet face that he still had some anxiety but he was trying and i loved him for it. then he started worrying about prenatal care and i told him i would look into it and i have. it's not that expensive if you go to a midwife and there are many options for the insured or the uninsured to consider. i don't think we will need to ask his parents for anything and we will exercise everything other option before doing so but i do know they will help us anyway no matter what our situation and i am grateful for that. they helped us so much with the wedding and in retrospect id rather it be towards something like this than a big party (though i do not regret one moment of our wonderful wedding).
When he returned things were peaceful and i told him that i understood his feelings too and it wasn't like my apprehension wasn't due to the fact that i knew it was asking a lot and that he might not agree to it. it's more than just the very real readiness and the yearning, i am scared it will take months or maybe even years and i really want at least two children. I will be grateful for only one but i will hate myself and always regret not trying sooner if i can't have one let alone two because i waited. Adoption is wonderful and something i am open to but it's very hard for a family of modest income to adopt and that process can also take years and not always find an infant. it's something id love to do but it's not my first choice.
my husband got very upset though and what really hurt me is that he started to make it personal. he told me he sometimes feels like i don't care about him but only his sperm. that he has been replaced or over ruled by this idea of motherhood and our not even yet born baby. I told him that i was happy to do whatever i could to reassure him and to make him feel more loved if i could. lately i have definitely been craving more romance between us and i feel like we both have been a bit lazt with eachother. That said: his observation was not only threatening but completely out of line. to decide that my longing and urgency for a child excludes him or demotes him is not only hurtful but it is like asking someone to choose keeping their left leg over being with you. No, not because you NEED a left leg to live, and NO not because they NEED you to get rid of that leg in order to survive. It's a choice. A selfish and inconsiderate choice. and i was upfront with him from the beginning of our 3 years that i not only wanted to have kids but i would want them very soon because my age is a factor. i didn;t even know how grim it was statistically back then or i probably would have asked sooner at the time. but he never had anmy doubt in his mind that i needed someone to want this to in order to proceed and that without that it was a deal breaker. he asked me point blank 'this isnt gonna havppen but hypothetically if i said i absolutely did not want to have children would you leave me?" it made me cringe then when i told him "you would give me no choice. i would have to leave but it would be horrible." he said "great good to know where i stand." and acted like a wounded puppy. actually it was worse than that. he had this quiet disappointment. it made me sick and makes me even sicker and more angry to think of it again. what an asshole!!! i told him point blank that i would leave him if he cheated on me too. i wouldn't want to but i would feel betrayed and i would feel like i couldn't trust him. like the vows he made to me meant nothing. it's that same thing with children. in his vows he vowed to check on our children at night. it's not only a disgusting thing to try to make me feel guilty or to feel sorry for himself because i won't stay with him even if he abuses my trust and wants only a selfish life. it would be fraud and a total lack of respect for him to turn around and decide something so huge when he knew it was important to me. then he told me he felt like he was not only going to be losing all these freedoms but was also losing his wife even before the fact. that he hates who i have become with this baby fever. i can meet him halfway on that one, and i would like to make sure that my yearning doesn't prevent me from being a loving and attentive wife and partner to him but i also feel like i have been and like he is essentially telling me that unless i stay exactly the same with exactly the same priorities my entire life i am not the woman he married. that's a tall and unfair order. we both are changing and have changed over time. my vision for us is that we support each others dreams and work hard to be honest and open and respectful. that we will create a beautiful family and be warm and cozy and loving and always hold each other and our family as above all else in importance. that things like the ability to be selfish or only care for each other will be outweighed by the ability to be wonderful and nurture mother and father together and create love and stability not just for each other or for ourselves but for our offspring. he asked me if i would use a donor to have a baby if he left me and i told him i would but it would be the last resort and i would be heartbroken and feel saddened in doing so. oh i feel so distraught just thinking of all of this. even though he reassured me that its not so it made me feel so uneasy and so much like he sees this as only for me and that i see it that way too. i see this very much as a shared experience. i wanna cry thinking about it.
later i walked to work with him and he was sweet and softened, he told me that he does want these things but just wants to do it right and not have to rely on his folks or anyone. i told him i can understand that but that to me it was more important to have our babies than to have everything laid out perfectly and i truly believe that people rise to the occasion when push comes to shove. i told him i understand and respect his fears but it can't be something we take for granted where my fertility and time are concerned. i know his mom and dad had to move home and his dad built his empire slowly. my parents, god bless them, were just free wheeling the whole thing. i don't like either of those scenarios ideally but i still think both were, and i know our parents do too, 100% worth it. i think we would fall somewhere in between too. i know we could never be as laid back and willy nilly about it as my parents but i also know we will strive not to have daddy working and traveling too much even if it means our resources are a bit tighter or more modest and creatively attained. as they say there is never a good time to have a baby.
so here we are. i think we will be okay and we will both be happy with the ends but it's very hard. i am gonna try to temper myself as best i can. i still feel uneasy about some of his comments and perspective but im hoping that will dissipate. No one every said it was easy.
Husband was cute towards the end of our walk and told me he loves me so much and that maybe if we find jobs and he has insurance we can start right after the move. i could see in his sweet face that he still had some anxiety but he was trying and i loved him for it. then he started worrying about prenatal care and i told him i would look into it and i have. it's not that expensive if you go to a midwife and there are many options for the insured or the uninsured to consider. i don't think we will need to ask his parents for anything and we will exercise everything other option before doing so but i do know they will help us anyway no matter what our situation and i am grateful for that. they helped us so much with the wedding and in retrospect id rather it be towards something like this than a big party (though i do not regret one moment of our wonderful wedding).
Monday, August 22, 2011
Limbo Limbo Limbo twist
limbo is sucking so much right now. it's not that i don't have things in my life that i enjoy, it's just that all the things that i truly want are things i have to wait a while for and the stuff in between just feels so forced. i mean, i love sewing and have been wanting to sew a maxi dress for myself and an apron. so sewing is one thing i can organize myself better about and perhaps utilize as a fulfilling outlet for now and down the line. I also want to get in shape after having a good ol time piling on a few post wedding lbs. i am only about 5 or 10 pounds more than id like so it's a pretty modest amount but none the less it makes me feel yucky and its a worthwhile goal. i have gotten off to a rocky start, but see slow improvements. i think after my intense pre-wedding program i and just really bored by the whole process and finding it a bit harder to get and stay motivated. i also feel very stuck being here in new york and much like my senior year in high school i have that impatience that comes with knowing a big change of scenery is on the horizon. it's hard to stay in the moment when you are longing for the many new adventures that you see in the distance.
thinking about my honeymoon does help. i am more excited than ever at the prospect of 3 weeks abroad in two beautiful new worlds. i have to start doing some more specific planning soon including updating my passport so that is something i can do while i wait but it's still hard. with a a full 3 and a half months to go there isn't much to sustain me while i wait. still it's something and its on my list.
i also have to get cracking on some apartment inspections and improvements. needless to say, none of this is very exciting to me but it is important stuff to consider before getting too many steps ahead of myself where a honeymoon and a move are concerned. 3 months and 6 months may feel like an eternity right now but they will probably sneak up on me quicker than i expect and i will kick myself if i don't use this time wisely.
my husband and i have been married for 3 months and it's funny because it feels both longer and shorter. our wedding seems as if it was only yesterday but i also feel so comfortable with him and with being his wife that i don't really believe it has been only 3 months of this as the reality. it's a dream come true and something i don't take for granted. i may be ready for the next steps but don't have amnesia and i remember how long and arduous a journey i had to take to get to this point. it was all worth it and i am ready for a change but i am VERY HAPPY and GRATEFUL for all that i have in my life. It will be interesting to see how this year end and what next tear brings.
thinking about my honeymoon does help. i am more excited than ever at the prospect of 3 weeks abroad in two beautiful new worlds. i have to start doing some more specific planning soon including updating my passport so that is something i can do while i wait but it's still hard. with a a full 3 and a half months to go there isn't much to sustain me while i wait. still it's something and its on my list.
i also have to get cracking on some apartment inspections and improvements. needless to say, none of this is very exciting to me but it is important stuff to consider before getting too many steps ahead of myself where a honeymoon and a move are concerned. 3 months and 6 months may feel like an eternity right now but they will probably sneak up on me quicker than i expect and i will kick myself if i don't use this time wisely.
my husband and i have been married for 3 months and it's funny because it feels both longer and shorter. our wedding seems as if it was only yesterday but i also feel so comfortable with him and with being his wife that i don't really believe it has been only 3 months of this as the reality. it's a dream come true and something i don't take for granted. i may be ready for the next steps but don't have amnesia and i remember how long and arduous a journey i had to take to get to this point. it was all worth it and i am ready for a change but i am VERY HAPPY and GRATEFUL for all that i have in my life. It will be interesting to see how this year end and what next tear brings.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
sad in the sack
so the experience of being off the pill but not ready to try means the use of barrier method bc. this is a drag because the diaphram isn't working for my hubby (makes him very uncomfortable during). we are gonna use the sponge which i love (how can we forget the great episode of seinfeld where elaine freaks out because her sponge is discontinued) but it's very expensive. like 5 bucks each one. yikes. it's kind of a drag because for at least the next 5 years this will probably be our only form of bc. I will go back on the pill after
we have baby number two but not before since A) you can't be on it while breastfeeding and B) it can take up to a year to have regular cycles after taking it. oh well. hopefully we can make it fun again. i wish hubby was cool with charting and only using during my fertile window but naturally he worries we will screw things up and end up with an unplanned little one. oh well. we may go a little broker for it but the sponge is at least comfortable and hormone free. plus maybe this will make it even more fun and special when we start trying and get to have at it like cave people or bunny rabbits.
we have baby number two but not before since A) you can't be on it while breastfeeding and B) it can take up to a year to have regular cycles after taking it. oh well. hopefully we can make it fun again. i wish hubby was cool with charting and only using during my fertile window but naturally he worries we will screw things up and end up with an unplanned little one. oh well. we may go a little broker for it but the sponge is at least comfortable and hormone free. plus maybe this will make it even more fun and special when we start trying and get to have at it like cave people or bunny rabbits.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Pregnant with thoughts of Pregnancy and Motherhood
it is approximately 9 months until my husband and i will start trying for a baby of our own. 9 months being the typical length of a pregnancy i have dubbed myself officially pregnant with ideas and plans for pregnancy. it's true that i have been thinking about it for a lot longer. it became particularly strong about 6 months prior to my wedding but now it is fever pitch. i am in full on mommy head mode. some things i am doing during my pre-preggers pregnancy:
taking prenatal vitamins. i actually started these last year because i was growing out my hair for my wedding. i am now on the prescription strength ones. everything i read has said that it's not only vital to go on a prenatal up to three months before trying to conceive BUT it actually can affect the baby up to a year in advance. this means that my neurotic planning might actually make a difference in the health of my future child. yay for obsessing! it is also just good for general health.
paraben, phthalate, pesticide and bpa free. did you know that there are endocrine disrupting chemicals in the cast majority of the cosmetics, lotions and sunscreens we use everyday? i sure as hell didn't. i feel kind of pissed off that it took the prospect of conceiving a child to give me a clue about how many harmful things can be found on our shelves. i suddenly understand why everything i see at Jack's 99 cent store is so affordable. it makes sense now that there are unscented and "natural" versions of products that carry a much loftier price tag. poison free comes at a price. i threw out about 75% of my make-up and hair products. it disgusted me. i felt like the scene in ERIN BROCOVITCH when a woman realizes the water is poisonous and desperately calls for her children to get out of the swimming pool. okay, that is a tad dramatic but i definitely felt freaked out. i felt the same way when i learned about acetone. the pesticides i knew more about but i have since become much more conscious of what the dirty fruits and veggies are. what i should buy organic(apples, spinach, peaches) and what i can skip on (things like bananas and avocados). i also stopped nuking anything in the microwave that is in a plastic container (adios lean cuisine) and i try to avoid drinking bottled water or drinks unless i can find them in glass bottles. i am all about glass these days. the cleaning products and detergents have been changed to natural seventh generation type stuff. i try to avoid most chemicals and the biggest and hardest one of all: i have officially started using toms of maine lavender deodorant about 95% of the time. is it better for my health? yes. does it work? barely. sometimes i have to go back to my aluminum hard core teen spirit because i am a smelly nelly and it just wont do to be smelly in some circumstances. but for the most part i am off the stuff and embracing my inner self hating hippy!
wives aint just for husbands. i could have a wife myself someday. a mid wife that is. the more i read and research and educate myself, the more i feel that the ideal situation if it's possible is not only to have a natural (god help me) and vaginal birth but to employ the help of both an obstetrician and a mid-wife. many c-sections are performed unnecessarily every year or are brought on by induced labor and impatient or lawsuit fearing obstetricians and hospitals. i don't think i could forgo the doctors office entirely but after watching the documentaries PREGNANT IN AMERICA and THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN i have become strongly compelled to use a mid-wife and perhaps even have a home birth if my advanced maternal age and the health of my pregnancy deems it possible.it's something i never thought about at all before. now i am not looking yet, especially because we have to figure our move but i am seriously tempted to start scoping out the scene on midwives and obstetricians asap. it's not something i want to hand over to fate blindly.i haven't talked to my husband about this aspect yet or asked for him to weigh in. he already thinks i am a bit of a loony tune for starting to think about all of this stuff so early on but then again he is one of those guys who has very little sense of urgency. i am the polar opposite. usually we end up regulating each other enough to meet somewhere in the middle and that's what i assume will decide the mid wife verses obstetrician choice as well. we make an excellent team.
charting the course. when my doctor used to ask me when i had my last period i would squint my eyes and pick a date that sounded semi-correct with little to no concern. i knew my fake period, the one you get when you are on birth control pills, within reason but even that was not to the day. it's funny because once i started thinking about my fertility a friend recommended a book called TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and i realized after reading it that i didn't know jack shit about my own body. my first objective was getting off the pill and pronto. it can take up t a year for a woman's cycle to return to normal. knowing i was planning to try in under a year i realized i had better give myself some insurance. especially when i read that there was a 20% chance of conception each month for women in their prime fertile years (aka not old broads like me) and it goes down to about 15% in the 30s and keeps declining. 35 is the age when the biggest dipping begins. the super dip is at 38. it takes the average fertile couple about 6 months to a year to conceive. when i did the math i realized that i needed to buy myself any time possible, this meant waiting around for my post pill cycle to regulate was not an option. i have been of the pill for a month and a half now. my husband and i use a diaphragm with spermicide along with me charting my fertility. we hate the diaphragm but it's the only semi spontaneous (you can put it in hours before and keep in in for up to 24 hours) and non hormonal form of birth control. my husband can feel it a bit. to my knowledge i had pretty regular periods prior to going on the pill 2 years ago and i do recall having that stretchy cervical fluid that they call egg white, and that is considered to be the most fertile kind. that, along with cervical position, thermal shift in basal body temperature and LH surge seem to be the best indication that you are ovulating. so now i wake up every morning and take my temperature. i have to remember not to talk or pee. i forget sometimes but in general it gives and indication. i only have the one month to go on but it does look like i may have ovulated last month with a 29 day cycle and a 13 day luteal phase i am looking pretty good thus far. still my hormones have made me feel a bit crazy since going off the pill and i wont really know if my cycles are regular or true until a few months of charting have gone by. it's very weird but it's also an interesting lesson in personal biology. i am a practical learner so while i am sure i must have touched on some of this in high school biology none of it really made so much sense as it does now. charting is a bit of a pain in the booty but the good news is that it should allow for my husband and i to up our odds a bit more when we start the baby making dance. many people just assume it will happen like clockwork and i am no longer of that mind at all. i wish there were a way to know in advance of going for it. there is not but things like charting help give one a leg up.
bmi, diet and yoga for fertility. yoga is like control alt delete for files problems. if you are physically, emotionally or intellectually fucked yoga is chicken soup mixed with fairy dust and the warm embrace of mama earth and father yoda. there is yoga for everything these days. yoga for fertility. yoga for cancer survivors. yoga for sociopaths. yoga for the blue collar sexaholic homosexual. if you are dealing with something challenging there is a yoga cure. chakras wont make a horrible sound on the blackboard. they are always peaceful and cure everything. vigorous exercise can be too stressful on the body and it can affect the menstrual cycle. no exercise is the worst thing you can do though so, as with most things, it's all about moderation. i wont be running 9mph on my treadmill like i used to but i also wont just do a few yoga poses and call it a day. a for diet, nutrient rich foods are the way to go. whole grains should make up the majority. that means things like beans, lentils, legumes, oats, barley, brown rice, quinoa, cous cous, and wheat to name a few. then we are doing the obvious fruits and vegetables thing. the more colorful the better. iceberg lettuce is about as empty as a glass of water so whilst having some as filler might be a good way to cut calories it wont give the nutrients needed for optimal reproductive health. some of the highest touted are avocados, spinach, yams/sweet potatoes, bananas, beets, chard, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, peels oranges (that while skin is good good good), dark berries, strawberries, and figs. proteins are good in moderation but most meats are not and the fewer consumed the better. protein from beans, seeds and nuts is grade A. fish is good too so long as its not the high mercury kind like sword fish, mackeral, or tuna. Salmon is one of the best types to eat. shrimp is also good and seems to be in many of the fertility diet recipes. honey is considered on of the big fertility friendly foods and for the guys oysters are supposed to give them a boost. cutting back on caffeine, even the kind in tea is recommended. that one is the hardest. i don't drink much alcohol and i haven't had a cigarette in two years almost but i love me some coffee. now i just have one small cup daily if at all. meh.
SAVING MONEY. this one probably should have been listed closer to the top because it's really important. it is not fun, especially when i want to enjoy spending on me and me alone while it lasts. no can do though. moving and pregnancy and child rearing cost money. i refuse to let a pair of new jeans or spending money drinking with buddies hinder my ability to provide a stable life for my family. since i will be staying home with the kids until they are school age or so it's even more important that we put together a very cushy nest egg in the coming months. some things i have done to help with this aside from putting at least 200 bucks away every paycheck are: i joined a cheaper gym. i hate lucille roberts but they are 40 dollars cheaper per month than my old gym and that's almost 100 per month i will save. no more monthly therapy sessions. i gave this one up in the pre wedding phase but it is here to stay. unless i hit some kind of crazy insanity quotient i am gonna have to work my shit out on my own for a while. i have started cooking and eating at home more and limiting how much i spend on meals, entertainment and transportation. i get magazines from my laundry mat and i try not to even walk in to stores with cute clothes unless they are deep discounted things that i can where as a pregnant woman or a mother.
research. this is a big one and it's the only reason i know any of the above. i am reading books about every stage of pregnancy and parenthood. i am reading about fertility at every stage and all the things that effect it. i am reading about the toll on relationships and a woman. about postpartum and baby blues. the one thing that has helped me truly cherish having many months still until i will try to conceive is that it gives me the opportunity to really learn and know my shit before i am in the throes of it all. you can't plan everything but there are certainly situations or conditions that can be altered or avoided by a little pre preggers preparation.
i am ready for the challenges of motherhood and if the onset were tomorrow i'm sure i could roll with the punches but i value very highly the idea that this will be a planned parenthood every step of the way. when you have to wait for something it can present many advantages even if you are mature like me and feeling the urge in the strongest sense. so it's beyond just filling my time blindly. i am gearing up for the next chapter of my life and i am hellbent on making it as joyful and mindful and experience as i can.
taking prenatal vitamins. i actually started these last year because i was growing out my hair for my wedding. i am now on the prescription strength ones. everything i read has said that it's not only vital to go on a prenatal up to three months before trying to conceive BUT it actually can affect the baby up to a year in advance. this means that my neurotic planning might actually make a difference in the health of my future child. yay for obsessing! it is also just good for general health.
paraben, phthalate, pesticide and bpa free. did you know that there are endocrine disrupting chemicals in the cast majority of the cosmetics, lotions and sunscreens we use everyday? i sure as hell didn't. i feel kind of pissed off that it took the prospect of conceiving a child to give me a clue about how many harmful things can be found on our shelves. i suddenly understand why everything i see at Jack's 99 cent store is so affordable. it makes sense now that there are unscented and "natural" versions of products that carry a much loftier price tag. poison free comes at a price. i threw out about 75% of my make-up and hair products. it disgusted me. i felt like the scene in ERIN BROCOVITCH when a woman realizes the water is poisonous and desperately calls for her children to get out of the swimming pool. okay, that is a tad dramatic but i definitely felt freaked out. i felt the same way when i learned about acetone. the pesticides i knew more about but i have since become much more conscious of what the dirty fruits and veggies are. what i should buy organic(apples, spinach, peaches) and what i can skip on (things like bananas and avocados). i also stopped nuking anything in the microwave that is in a plastic container (adios lean cuisine) and i try to avoid drinking bottled water or drinks unless i can find them in glass bottles. i am all about glass these days. the cleaning products and detergents have been changed to natural seventh generation type stuff. i try to avoid most chemicals and the biggest and hardest one of all: i have officially started using toms of maine lavender deodorant about 95% of the time. is it better for my health? yes. does it work? barely. sometimes i have to go back to my aluminum hard core teen spirit because i am a smelly nelly and it just wont do to be smelly in some circumstances. but for the most part i am off the stuff and embracing my inner self hating hippy!
wives aint just for husbands. i could have a wife myself someday. a mid wife that is. the more i read and research and educate myself, the more i feel that the ideal situation if it's possible is not only to have a natural (god help me) and vaginal birth but to employ the help of both an obstetrician and a mid-wife. many c-sections are performed unnecessarily every year or are brought on by induced labor and impatient or lawsuit fearing obstetricians and hospitals. i don't think i could forgo the doctors office entirely but after watching the documentaries PREGNANT IN AMERICA and THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN i have become strongly compelled to use a mid-wife and perhaps even have a home birth if my advanced maternal age and the health of my pregnancy deems it possible.it's something i never thought about at all before. now i am not looking yet, especially because we have to figure our move but i am seriously tempted to start scoping out the scene on midwives and obstetricians asap. it's not something i want to hand over to fate blindly.i haven't talked to my husband about this aspect yet or asked for him to weigh in. he already thinks i am a bit of a loony tune for starting to think about all of this stuff so early on but then again he is one of those guys who has very little sense of urgency. i am the polar opposite. usually we end up regulating each other enough to meet somewhere in the middle and that's what i assume will decide the mid wife verses obstetrician choice as well. we make an excellent team.
charting the course. when my doctor used to ask me when i had my last period i would squint my eyes and pick a date that sounded semi-correct with little to no concern. i knew my fake period, the one you get when you are on birth control pills, within reason but even that was not to the day. it's funny because once i started thinking about my fertility a friend recommended a book called TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY and i realized after reading it that i didn't know jack shit about my own body. my first objective was getting off the pill and pronto. it can take up t a year for a woman's cycle to return to normal. knowing i was planning to try in under a year i realized i had better give myself some insurance. especially when i read that there was a 20% chance of conception each month for women in their prime fertile years (aka not old broads like me) and it goes down to about 15% in the 30s and keeps declining. 35 is the age when the biggest dipping begins. the super dip is at 38. it takes the average fertile couple about 6 months to a year to conceive. when i did the math i realized that i needed to buy myself any time possible, this meant waiting around for my post pill cycle to regulate was not an option. i have been of the pill for a month and a half now. my husband and i use a diaphragm with spermicide along with me charting my fertility. we hate the diaphragm but it's the only semi spontaneous (you can put it in hours before and keep in in for up to 24 hours) and non hormonal form of birth control. my husband can feel it a bit. to my knowledge i had pretty regular periods prior to going on the pill 2 years ago and i do recall having that stretchy cervical fluid that they call egg white, and that is considered to be the most fertile kind. that, along with cervical position, thermal shift in basal body temperature and LH surge seem to be the best indication that you are ovulating. so now i wake up every morning and take my temperature. i have to remember not to talk or pee. i forget sometimes but in general it gives and indication. i only have the one month to go on but it does look like i may have ovulated last month with a 29 day cycle and a 13 day luteal phase i am looking pretty good thus far. still my hormones have made me feel a bit crazy since going off the pill and i wont really know if my cycles are regular or true until a few months of charting have gone by. it's very weird but it's also an interesting lesson in personal biology. i am a practical learner so while i am sure i must have touched on some of this in high school biology none of it really made so much sense as it does now. charting is a bit of a pain in the booty but the good news is that it should allow for my husband and i to up our odds a bit more when we start the baby making dance. many people just assume it will happen like clockwork and i am no longer of that mind at all. i wish there were a way to know in advance of going for it. there is not but things like charting help give one a leg up.
bmi, diet and yoga for fertility. yoga is like control alt delete for files problems. if you are physically, emotionally or intellectually fucked yoga is chicken soup mixed with fairy dust and the warm embrace of mama earth and father yoda. there is yoga for everything these days. yoga for fertility. yoga for cancer survivors. yoga for sociopaths. yoga for the blue collar sexaholic homosexual. if you are dealing with something challenging there is a yoga cure. chakras wont make a horrible sound on the blackboard. they are always peaceful and cure everything. vigorous exercise can be too stressful on the body and it can affect the menstrual cycle. no exercise is the worst thing you can do though so, as with most things, it's all about moderation. i wont be running 9mph on my treadmill like i used to but i also wont just do a few yoga poses and call it a day. a for diet, nutrient rich foods are the way to go. whole grains should make up the majority. that means things like beans, lentils, legumes, oats, barley, brown rice, quinoa, cous cous, and wheat to name a few. then we are doing the obvious fruits and vegetables thing. the more colorful the better. iceberg lettuce is about as empty as a glass of water so whilst having some as filler might be a good way to cut calories it wont give the nutrients needed for optimal reproductive health. some of the highest touted are avocados, spinach, yams/sweet potatoes, bananas, beets, chard, kale, broccoli, cauliflower, peels oranges (that while skin is good good good), dark berries, strawberries, and figs. proteins are good in moderation but most meats are not and the fewer consumed the better. protein from beans, seeds and nuts is grade A. fish is good too so long as its not the high mercury kind like sword fish, mackeral, or tuna. Salmon is one of the best types to eat. shrimp is also good and seems to be in many of the fertility diet recipes. honey is considered on of the big fertility friendly foods and for the guys oysters are supposed to give them a boost. cutting back on caffeine, even the kind in tea is recommended. that one is the hardest. i don't drink much alcohol and i haven't had a cigarette in two years almost but i love me some coffee. now i just have one small cup daily if at all. meh.
SAVING MONEY. this one probably should have been listed closer to the top because it's really important. it is not fun, especially when i want to enjoy spending on me and me alone while it lasts. no can do though. moving and pregnancy and child rearing cost money. i refuse to let a pair of new jeans or spending money drinking with buddies hinder my ability to provide a stable life for my family. since i will be staying home with the kids until they are school age or so it's even more important that we put together a very cushy nest egg in the coming months. some things i have done to help with this aside from putting at least 200 bucks away every paycheck are: i joined a cheaper gym. i hate lucille roberts but they are 40 dollars cheaper per month than my old gym and that's almost 100 per month i will save. no more monthly therapy sessions. i gave this one up in the pre wedding phase but it is here to stay. unless i hit some kind of crazy insanity quotient i am gonna have to work my shit out on my own for a while. i have started cooking and eating at home more and limiting how much i spend on meals, entertainment and transportation. i get magazines from my laundry mat and i try not to even walk in to stores with cute clothes unless they are deep discounted things that i can where as a pregnant woman or a mother.
research. this is a big one and it's the only reason i know any of the above. i am reading books about every stage of pregnancy and parenthood. i am reading about fertility at every stage and all the things that effect it. i am reading about the toll on relationships and a woman. about postpartum and baby blues. the one thing that has helped me truly cherish having many months still until i will try to conceive is that it gives me the opportunity to really learn and know my shit before i am in the throes of it all. you can't plan everything but there are certainly situations or conditions that can be altered or avoided by a little pre preggers preparation.
i am ready for the challenges of motherhood and if the onset were tomorrow i'm sure i could roll with the punches but i value very highly the idea that this will be a planned parenthood every step of the way. when you have to wait for something it can present many advantages even if you are mature like me and feeling the urge in the strongest sense. so it's beyond just filling my time blindly. i am gearing up for the next chapter of my life and i am hellbent on making it as joyful and mindful and experience as i can.
Monday, August 15, 2011
the carpe diem when you're waiting in the (stork) wings
it's funny because as much as i do feel ready for motherhood and excited and find it hard to wait in some ways, i am also realizing the many benefits and obstacles that make it not only a necessity to wait but an advantage.
the first and most fun reason is my honeymoon. my husband and i decided to have our honeymoon in December in order to allow us to take an extra week (it will be three total) off from work and to save up more money. I am not only thrilled and excited beyond belief to be going to South East Asia but i am fully aware that once i am pregnant and we are parents traveling will be a lot more difficult, expensive and scary. It's hard enough to leave our sweet kitty boy behind. leaving a child, even with the most wonderful grandparents alive would be trying. then there is the obvious reality that the most uncomfortable way to spend ones honeymoon would be pregnant. not only would it make south east asia a really difficult if not impossible choice but it would make me feel too much like shit to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed. i am anxious for my baby and worried about my advancing maternal age, it's true, but my honeymoon is an awesome incentive to waiting that's about more than just everyday life demands, but instead FUN. i guess i wouldn't mind if we conceived ON the honeymoon but that is looking less and less viable because of my next reason....
MONEY. this is never a fin one and i do not in any way fall into that category of people who think that you should risk your shrinking fertility or the possibility of having a family because you don't have ever duck in a row. it's a cliche but lets face it, no one ever really is ready to have kids in that perfect way. it's something you throw yourself into, it seems. in fact, much like life after being born, it is thrust upon you. that said i do believe, much as i do with pre conception preparations of my body and health, that the more you can prepare and rule out surprise costs or issues the better. while i am impatient and nervous about waiting i also recognize that every month i have is a chance to save more money and possible make things a bit less difficult financially. sometimes thats hard when i feel bored and want to send money in order to entertain myself or provide a distraction on my way to things like the honeymoon, the move and the sweet babies i plan to make and nurture for the rest of my life. i keep my eyes on the prize though and remind myself that we will be able to provide and even better life for our children if we have more of a nest egg.
Moving. this is another thing that i wish we could just up and do now but the more i think about it the more i realize that nothing is better than a chance to save up and close loose ends before we move. Additionally, we are gonna really want a chance to say a proper goodbye to the big city of new york and all of our friends and family in it. it is one of the hardest things about leaving. my husband made it very clear that this is not a city he would like to raise a family in and with good reason. it's expensive, polluted, overcrowded and there is no space for a yard or the kind of freedom we were both lucky enough to experience in our childhood. i also find that children who are raised in new york city grow up very fast and miss out on a lot of the silly naivety of childhood. i don't want our children to grow up passing crackheads and yuppies on their way home from grade school. i love the melting pot that is new york, i find it valuable and i do hope our children will experience that in their lives but i'd like it to be at such a time as they are old enough to be less frightened or traumatized by it. every dark thing we see as a child can be misinterpreted and influence our whole lives if we aren't able to provide some subtext to the human journey. i know that sounds corny but i think it's important to understand life a bit more before venturing into it's darker places.
enjoying being young and hot. this isnt to say that i will instantly become old and matronly or lose my sex appeal with motherhood. i think that motherhood is sexy and so are daddies. that said, the more ego driven version of vanity is about the very superficial things like style, muscle tone, vigor. i understand that it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain the same level of personal style and attention to ones appearance when parenting calls. i don't plan on letting myself go and i think that exercise and putting some effort in to appearance is a necessary and healthy goal for a happy life and self esteem. it's just gonna have to be simplified. no more productions. so, in knowing that i am making an effort to enjoy these remaining months of vanity and self-centered primping and pampering.
Mr. and Mrs us. i really don't think that my husband and i have to worry about not getting to enjoy being together just us. i feel like we have both enjoyed a lot of wonderful romance and experiences together that have been just us for almost 3 years now, and a condensed three years at that. i guess that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the remaining days of it though and relish them. i mean, i hate the idea of being a fear monger where parenthood or adulthood or any of the rites of passive to being a fully rounded human being are. i tend to be annoyed with the self-centered arrested development that has kept most men and many women too in this head space that makes them afraid to give up anything or grow up or make any sacrifices. it's a very new york, sec and the city, yuppie type of attitude that i detest. i do feel that we should face things and be positive about them and not freak out about all the sleep and freedom and toys they will miss out on. especially since it seems like most of these people are actually just living the same mundane, unchallenged and comfortable lives they have been for 5 plus years. people freak out about losing the chance to do things but then they don't do any of them. they just like having the option. meanwhile life passes by. that's not what concerns more or something i worry about giving up. i just want to enjoy this time, not because we are awaiting some death sentence but because it we take it for granted now and if anything the exciting prospect of things changing and becoming parents only resembles death in that it reminds us to appreciate every portion of our lives. if we never died we would not value our lives. if we never became parents we would not appreciate the time leading up to it. so this time is meant for truly enjoying what would otherwise be an endless drudge of an existence. it's like enjoying your teens before your twenties. i am enjoying the twilight of this chapter while still anticipating the next one.
Time will fly is i have fun: making the most out of life and particularly a life which does not demand very much of me at this point is a beautiful thing. yes, i am longing for motherhood but i also know that the less i enjoy this time and the more i rush to the next step the longer it will take to get there. a life that is enjoyed and taken full advantage of tends to fly by if we make everyday count. i am not about to waste any of it.
truthfully, the only thing that makes waiting hard is the fear that it could take a long time. not knowing if i am fertile or will have fertility issues is a scary thing. i think i could easily deal with waiting till i turn 35 (though not much longer than that) if 35 itself didn't feel like it was the beginning of this huge descent in fertility. that is the hardest part. what if it takes many months or years? what about the very common secondary infertility? what about the fact that there is another great descent at around 38? having children is my dream. two healthy beautiful children. i am already pushing it age-wise so we definitely must get cracking and soon. there is no doubt about that. but i will enjoy these days and keep the faith.
the first and most fun reason is my honeymoon. my husband and i decided to have our honeymoon in December in order to allow us to take an extra week (it will be three total) off from work and to save up more money. I am not only thrilled and excited beyond belief to be going to South East Asia but i am fully aware that once i am pregnant and we are parents traveling will be a lot more difficult, expensive and scary. It's hard enough to leave our sweet kitty boy behind. leaving a child, even with the most wonderful grandparents alive would be trying. then there is the obvious reality that the most uncomfortable way to spend ones honeymoon would be pregnant. not only would it make south east asia a really difficult if not impossible choice but it would make me feel too much like shit to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed. i am anxious for my baby and worried about my advancing maternal age, it's true, but my honeymoon is an awesome incentive to waiting that's about more than just everyday life demands, but instead FUN. i guess i wouldn't mind if we conceived ON the honeymoon but that is looking less and less viable because of my next reason....
MONEY. this is never a fin one and i do not in any way fall into that category of people who think that you should risk your shrinking fertility or the possibility of having a family because you don't have ever duck in a row. it's a cliche but lets face it, no one ever really is ready to have kids in that perfect way. it's something you throw yourself into, it seems. in fact, much like life after being born, it is thrust upon you. that said i do believe, much as i do with pre conception preparations of my body and health, that the more you can prepare and rule out surprise costs or issues the better. while i am impatient and nervous about waiting i also recognize that every month i have is a chance to save more money and possible make things a bit less difficult financially. sometimes thats hard when i feel bored and want to send money in order to entertain myself or provide a distraction on my way to things like the honeymoon, the move and the sweet babies i plan to make and nurture for the rest of my life. i keep my eyes on the prize though and remind myself that we will be able to provide and even better life for our children if we have more of a nest egg.
Moving. this is another thing that i wish we could just up and do now but the more i think about it the more i realize that nothing is better than a chance to save up and close loose ends before we move. Additionally, we are gonna really want a chance to say a proper goodbye to the big city of new york and all of our friends and family in it. it is one of the hardest things about leaving. my husband made it very clear that this is not a city he would like to raise a family in and with good reason. it's expensive, polluted, overcrowded and there is no space for a yard or the kind of freedom we were both lucky enough to experience in our childhood. i also find that children who are raised in new york city grow up very fast and miss out on a lot of the silly naivety of childhood. i don't want our children to grow up passing crackheads and yuppies on their way home from grade school. i love the melting pot that is new york, i find it valuable and i do hope our children will experience that in their lives but i'd like it to be at such a time as they are old enough to be less frightened or traumatized by it. every dark thing we see as a child can be misinterpreted and influence our whole lives if we aren't able to provide some subtext to the human journey. i know that sounds corny but i think it's important to understand life a bit more before venturing into it's darker places.
enjoying being young and hot. this isnt to say that i will instantly become old and matronly or lose my sex appeal with motherhood. i think that motherhood is sexy and so are daddies. that said, the more ego driven version of vanity is about the very superficial things like style, muscle tone, vigor. i understand that it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain the same level of personal style and attention to ones appearance when parenting calls. i don't plan on letting myself go and i think that exercise and putting some effort in to appearance is a necessary and healthy goal for a happy life and self esteem. it's just gonna have to be simplified. no more productions. so, in knowing that i am making an effort to enjoy these remaining months of vanity and self-centered primping and pampering.
Mr. and Mrs us. i really don't think that my husband and i have to worry about not getting to enjoy being together just us. i feel like we have both enjoyed a lot of wonderful romance and experiences together that have been just us for almost 3 years now, and a condensed three years at that. i guess that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the remaining days of it though and relish them. i mean, i hate the idea of being a fear monger where parenthood or adulthood or any of the rites of passive to being a fully rounded human being are. i tend to be annoyed with the self-centered arrested development that has kept most men and many women too in this head space that makes them afraid to give up anything or grow up or make any sacrifices. it's a very new york, sec and the city, yuppie type of attitude that i detest. i do feel that we should face things and be positive about them and not freak out about all the sleep and freedom and toys they will miss out on. especially since it seems like most of these people are actually just living the same mundane, unchallenged and comfortable lives they have been for 5 plus years. people freak out about losing the chance to do things but then they don't do any of them. they just like having the option. meanwhile life passes by. that's not what concerns more or something i worry about giving up. i just want to enjoy this time, not because we are awaiting some death sentence but because it we take it for granted now and if anything the exciting prospect of things changing and becoming parents only resembles death in that it reminds us to appreciate every portion of our lives. if we never died we would not value our lives. if we never became parents we would not appreciate the time leading up to it. so this time is meant for truly enjoying what would otherwise be an endless drudge of an existence. it's like enjoying your teens before your twenties. i am enjoying the twilight of this chapter while still anticipating the next one.
Time will fly is i have fun: making the most out of life and particularly a life which does not demand very much of me at this point is a beautiful thing. yes, i am longing for motherhood but i also know that the less i enjoy this time and the more i rush to the next step the longer it will take to get there. a life that is enjoyed and taken full advantage of tends to fly by if we make everyday count. i am not about to waste any of it.
truthfully, the only thing that makes waiting hard is the fear that it could take a long time. not knowing if i am fertile or will have fertility issues is a scary thing. i think i could easily deal with waiting till i turn 35 (though not much longer than that) if 35 itself didn't feel like it was the beginning of this huge descent in fertility. that is the hardest part. what if it takes many months or years? what about the very common secondary infertility? what about the fact that there is another great descent at around 38? having children is my dream. two healthy beautiful children. i am already pushing it age-wise so we definitely must get cracking and soon. there is no doubt about that. but i will enjoy these days and keep the faith.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Ya gimme...Fever
i never really thought of myself as one of those baby freaks. i always knew i wanted to be a mom "someday" but the abstract version stuck around for a lot longer than i would have expected. I started feeling like motherhood was a priority for me right around age 31. I met my ow husband at about 6 months in to 31 and it was important for me, especially because he is 5 years younger than i am, to put the breaks on things a few weeks in from the full steam ahead love fest. i basically explained to him that i need to be with someone who wants the same things as i want and understands that while that doesn't mean tomorrow it is a lot more defined than the "someday"s of our twenties. He jumped on board and the love grew. We are now happily married and building a beautiful life together.
what i find strange though is the change in me. I am 34 years old now and somewhere in the last 6 months i noticed that i went from the "someday" of my twenties, to the "someday soon" of my early thirties, to the now very palpable" this longing for motherhood is inconsolable" and "i want my baby damn it", urgency of my fast approaching mid-thirties.
baby fever is a funny thing because it really does seem like a joke or a funny stereotype, like women being shoe crazy or teenagers loving to talk on the phone (though im sure it is texting now and i am showing my age). The point is it seems like a funny thing that you will experience only mildly, if at all, until it happens to you. I can only speak for myself really but for me it has become this empty space inside, this yearning heart beating through my ribs and skin and out of my chest. My first thought, and the thought of many, might be that i am just bored, just another recently married woman who is now needing a new dream. I don't find that to be true though. I know myself and throughout my life i have always been a fairly selfish person. Up until very recently i thought of having a child as something more scary and more about sacrifice. i knew i wanted it and that time, along with my desire for at least two children, would require me to be on top of it but i can't say it was something i was looking forward to going through. I worried about the toll on my body, my ability to wear cute clothes, spend my money on myself and have adventures. I love sewing and shopping and all of those things but the plain truth is that i think i am over myself. Not to say that this isnt something that will fullfil me in many ways and bring me great joy but it's beyond that. I am longing for motherhood, not as a personal project or because i am bored but as a natural progression in my quest for a worthwhile existence.
i wanted fame at one time, then that changed and i realized that all i wanted was to find the love of my life, spend time with my family and friends and one day have a family of my own. in my heart of hearts i know that i am ready to be a mother. that's not to say that it wont knock me on my ass and blindside me. i am naive to everything but my own naivety where motherhood is concerned. i just know that i am up for the challenge. much like i felt with my husband "it just feels right this time". it's so much deeper than a to do list or your average resolutions. to me it's about the meaning of life. i want to learn from life and i want to share what i have learned with new life. i want to nurture and give and experience the level of intimacy that only parenthood can offer. i know with my husband a level of love and intimacy that is matched by none prior. i feel that our family, including our sweet first baby boy, our kitty B, will be the most amazing life-force and team of life warriors.
so now we wait. there are a lot of life adjustments we have to make in order to prepare for our steps towards parenthood. they include a month long December honeymoon in South East Asia (last chance to really throw caution to the wind), moving to a new state, that means that we wont be starting the actually procreating journey till sometime next year. not sure exactly when but definitely by my 35th birthday next spring. that is so very soon and i do feel lucky to have many months to plan but MAN ALIVE this fever is making every day feel like an obstacle rather than an opportunity. that's why i decided to blog about it. i realized that i need an outlet for all my dreams, obsessions, excitement and frustration.Luckily i am a planner and i enjoy nothing more than planning and dreaming and trying to create what i envision for myself. similar to my wedding, it never turns out exactly like you thought it would but usually that is a good thing. the lessons we learn along the way. the hard times and the fun moments of spontinaity are inevitable. that's what i try to remind my husband when he becomes fearful that i am planning to many details for a trip we are taking or anything we decide to embark on: really even the best laid plans will see their fare share of hitches.
when you are ready for something this life changing it can be hard to wait to truly get the ball rolling. but, despite my feelings i do know there is value in these days and there is much to take advantage of and experience before embarking on such a selfless and unpredictable endeavor as parenthood. Here we go!
what i find strange though is the change in me. I am 34 years old now and somewhere in the last 6 months i noticed that i went from the "someday" of my twenties, to the "someday soon" of my early thirties, to the now very palpable" this longing for motherhood is inconsolable" and "i want my baby damn it", urgency of my fast approaching mid-thirties.
baby fever is a funny thing because it really does seem like a joke or a funny stereotype, like women being shoe crazy or teenagers loving to talk on the phone (though im sure it is texting now and i am showing my age). The point is it seems like a funny thing that you will experience only mildly, if at all, until it happens to you. I can only speak for myself really but for me it has become this empty space inside, this yearning heart beating through my ribs and skin and out of my chest. My first thought, and the thought of many, might be that i am just bored, just another recently married woman who is now needing a new dream. I don't find that to be true though. I know myself and throughout my life i have always been a fairly selfish person. Up until very recently i thought of having a child as something more scary and more about sacrifice. i knew i wanted it and that time, along with my desire for at least two children, would require me to be on top of it but i can't say it was something i was looking forward to going through. I worried about the toll on my body, my ability to wear cute clothes, spend my money on myself and have adventures. I love sewing and shopping and all of those things but the plain truth is that i think i am over myself. Not to say that this isnt something that will fullfil me in many ways and bring me great joy but it's beyond that. I am longing for motherhood, not as a personal project or because i am bored but as a natural progression in my quest for a worthwhile existence.
i wanted fame at one time, then that changed and i realized that all i wanted was to find the love of my life, spend time with my family and friends and one day have a family of my own. in my heart of hearts i know that i am ready to be a mother. that's not to say that it wont knock me on my ass and blindside me. i am naive to everything but my own naivety where motherhood is concerned. i just know that i am up for the challenge. much like i felt with my husband "it just feels right this time". it's so much deeper than a to do list or your average resolutions. to me it's about the meaning of life. i want to learn from life and i want to share what i have learned with new life. i want to nurture and give and experience the level of intimacy that only parenthood can offer. i know with my husband a level of love and intimacy that is matched by none prior. i feel that our family, including our sweet first baby boy, our kitty B, will be the most amazing life-force and team of life warriors.
when you are ready for something this life changing it can be hard to wait to truly get the ball rolling. but, despite my feelings i do know there is value in these days and there is much to take advantage of and experience before embarking on such a selfless and unpredictable endeavor as parenthood. Here we go!
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