No matter what happens...

I am feeling more optimistic about our chances now that I have weaned than I did prior to weaning BUT I feel like its also important that I say;

No matter what happens I am more grateful than anyone on the planet that I have my sweet smart remarkable beautiful son. He is the light of my life and the center of my world. I will do everything in my power to give him a sibling and it will hurt me deeply if I cannot. I won't give up BUT I also won't let t destroy my happiness or my enjoyment of my current family. I won't let myself forget that it would only prove more deeply that he is such a miracle! Such an incredible wonderful kismet gift to my husband and I. What a beautiful good fortune. I am not even close to believing that we wont have another but I do have a list of things that I can focus on if we do not or it takes a good while:

1. Travel. I love to travel. We can't afford it much these days and a second child will make it even harder financially and logistically. It will be much more possible and sooner if we only have our son.

2. My son will get all of me. All of us! I do think a sibling would be wonderful for him too but there is no doubt in my mind that it would also split my focus. We have these wonderful little dates and excursions now that will be much harder upon arrival of a second child or even trough te pregnancy.

3. Enjoying my husband. Sleep and romance have been much easier since our son has grown out of some of the more codependent phases of his life. This would be temporary but would be upset by a new baby for sure.

4. Wanting what you have is better than having what you want. Hopes and desires are okay. Goals can be healthy but overall happiness should never hinge on something that is not in ones power to control. It seeps the joy from life. There is so much that I have now that many would give the world for. Hell I would give the world for it! I may not feel like our family is complete but I do feel that we are a perfect family. I do feel that I am happy.

5. Back to me. This is a hard one because I so love my identity as a mother. I love that nothing will ever take that away from me from here on out but I suppose I would also have a chance to focus more on myself again if things took a long time or didn't happen for us.

Again I am not even close to giving up on my dream for a bigger family. We are still too early in our journey and too much can happen. Life is top short though and I want to make sure I am enjoying and reveling in the beauty of it all. Sometimes I miss that amazing naiveity I had before we started trying for a second. I was so sure it would just happen again. I was so sure and it helped me to really enjoy my life. I want to recapture that.

I am 8DPO (possible 7) and not feeling like I am pregnant this cycle. It's too bad because I would love to be but I am still hopeful for the future. I am also praying for a spotting free 10 day + LP. This is the weird in between time when it's hard to know what might happen there. If I make it to July 5th with no spotting I will be grateful! Here hoping!