this second journey has me so fickle. Like a steroetypical Gemini i feel torn between two ways of thinking as we get closer to ovulation on cycle three.
On the one hand I am more determined than ever to become pregnant. The emotional reasons stem mostly from fear i will admit. I feel like if the gods could guarantee me that i would be pregnant by september (september itself would be fine. then i might get a baby close to my birthday!) I would be a lot more relaxed. I am not in a huge rush to have a baby. I do want my children to be no more than 3 years apart in age so that they can enjoy each other but if i could be guaranteed that I'm not running out of eggs or facing 12 months of TTC I would be much less panicked about each month.
Another thing that is difficult is the process. It's so NOT fun to have to proposition my husband certain times every month. The stress of trying to get the timing right is another thing that makes me just want to be Pregnant already. I love when people try to suggest that we just go with the flow and relax. They mean well but I've done my homework and unless you are hitting a certain window you might as well not even be trying for a baby at all. People like to blame stress but statistically speaking stress is a lot less harmful on getting pregnant than bad timing. Plus I know myself and that would make me stress even more. No dice.
Then there is the flip side again. I love the fact that I get to enjoy this time with my son just the three of us. I love that i can continue to nurse him and cosleep with him. I can throw him high up in the air, run after him in the yard and let him jump hard on my stomach without worry. Some part of me does feel sad that he wont be getting all of me soon. i don't know this other baby but i know and love him. i feel a bit bad about the fact that he will have to have a tired more fragile momma but i would feel worse about him not having a sibling. His baby brother or sister will be with him when his dad and i are gone. They will share their childhood. It's a very special thing that i know is going to be worth the initial pain of sharing.
As for wanting a boy or a girl I go back and fourth. In the end i just want a healthy baby. There are days when I see a baby brother for our son and days I see a baby sister in our lives. I am so curious what the universe will choose to bring us. I hope we have a healthy fun sweet little person in the wings. One that will love our son and that he will enjoy.
I also recently found out that my sister may be trying in the next 4-6 months. It really excites me to imagine us being pregnant at the same time. Even if there is just a little bit of overlapping. What a fun thing!!!! I pray that she will have a smooth and fast journey to pregnancy as well. If i get pregnant too soon we may miss each other. Although it will still be fresh enough that we can share the experience and i am happy that no matter what i will be able to advice her and get her through the tougher days of pregnancy and new baby.
At this point i really take it for granted that i WILL get pregnant and have a second baby who is healthy and sweet. I hope so deeply that that is the truth. I think that for me is the biggest thing that trumps any feelings i might have that I have plenty of time. To me nothing would be sadder than wasting a month that could be providing me with the healthiest eggs. I wont pursue any sort of testing unless we get to a point where i have almost entirely weaned and things still aren't improving. I am staying on the journey though. Steady as ever. Some days I am more patient than others but in the end the real feeling is this: BRING ME A BABY UNIVERSE!
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