Bloooooze

i watched a really crappy movie called baby fever and it totally sucked donkey balls BUT it did touch on some of the stress and sadness we women go through when we are thinking about having kids.

i feel super depressed today. most likely due to the fact that i am PMSing like a bitch this month. i haven't had a cycle this crazy since back in 1999 when i went on Ortho Tri Cyclen. my breasts have been super sore and heavy for about a week now. i have had some mild cramping and major ups and downs.

i wonder if the 22lbs i gained since May has had an affect too. i know ortho tri cyclen is a high estrogen pill so that could also affect things.

anyway i find myself feeling sad, confused and paranoid. i had an awful dream that my sweet and eternally faithful husband cheated on me and got the girl pregnant and we were splitting up. at one point in the dream i said "but we were supposed to grow old together." and he said "i know honey. i know." we cried. ofcourse it was just a dream but it made me feel so sad. we hugged and kissed this morning. i love him so much. i am so lucky to have found him.

i do feel a bit bored in our life right now and not as sexy or potent as i once did. i really need to make some changes and get my passion and fire back.

i also just sat down at lunch and had a long hard cry. i cried and thought about my new paranoia which is pre mature menopause. my mother had hers around 54 but my grandma was only in her mid to early 40s and i just started worrying because i know that once you reach the 10 years before menopause it becomes very hard or nearly impossible to conceive. i am so scared about this and even though i only have to wait a week and 7 months until we start to try it is very hard to wait and not to know. i have no idea how long it will take us to conceive or if we can at all. it's scary and sad and upsetting. in the movie baby fever the woman cries up a storm and she has a little hope chest filled with baby girl clothes that she looks at and cries wondering if she will ever have that. i must confess that i bought an adorable set of monkey onsies that i have hidden and look at when i feel sad. since i don't care if i have boys or girls or one of each i just look at it and imagine mine and my husbands perfect little monkey in the outfit. it makes me smile but i also cry because i have no way to know if we will be able to make this dream a reality.

Please god. Please. PLEASE! i know you were already so generous with me. you have given me amazing friends, an amazing family, the perfect cat, and the perfect husband who loves and cherishes me dearly. please bring us at least one and if you can manage it two (or more) healthy babies so that our family may be complete. thank you. Amen.