tick toc

i have been thinking a lot about pregnancy these days but after spending sometime with my friend and her daughter this last weekend i am really starting to think about motherhood and parenting more now. 

it's really funny to me how much i have changed with age. i even surprise myself.

after spending time with my friend and her daughter i am sure for sure that i am a goner. it was exhausting. she was having terrible separation anxiety and throwing tantrums. and yet after all that i have never wanted something more.

i long so deeply for Husband and i to have our own babies to love. it seems like it would be so amazing to be so needed. i know it's a lot of hard work but even with my friends daughter i felt like all i wanted to do was to nurture her and teach her and protect her. i felt envious of their love and their closeness. my friend is an amazing mother. she is very strict about what her daughter eats and only feeds her whole organic foods. as a result she doesn't even really like sugary things. she is not very good about leaving her daughter or letting her cry but on top of it with the healthy foods and naps and keeping her schedule. she just feels like she is being torn up inside when she hears her little girl cry for her. i can only imagine.

my husband will make the most incredible father. this is also something i think about a lot. i think we will be the kind of parents that make out children's lives full of fun and wonderment and dreams. i also think that we will be good at showing discipline and restraint where it will teach them. i'm sure there will be times when we don't completely see eye to eye on parenting styles but for the most part it seems like we are on the same exact page. i enjoyed my childhood but most of the discipline i was given didn't seem like it was designed to teach me anything, but instead just to control me. i am hoping that as a parent i will discipline my little ones in ways that will make them learn how to live with respect and ways they can understand as lessons for their own good.

i know it will be hard for me not to worry about my children when they are old enough to start doing things on their own. i can understand how my mother felt when she worried about me crossing the street and such. i hope that i will be brave enough to show them how to do things but not try to do it for them or prevent them from it or coddle.

it's very interesting and exciting to think about having a baby in my life. the hardest part about that is that it will be almost 2 years till there is an actual baby present and the true mothering can begin. but i think that's good too because i will have time to prepare and read up and enjoy my husband and our time just us while still knowing our little babies are on the horizon.

i think parenthood is gonna be an amazing new chapter though. i really do.