Just Focusing on my breath

i have been taking a meditation class and it is helping me a lot. I realized that one of my biggest issues is stress and it's the one thing i have not been able to manage well with the idea of trying for a baby.

the meditation is mostly to help me cope with my inability to live in the moment. i did this with getting married and now i am doing it with babies. the extra added nervousness is added with babies do to my age.

i go throug phases where i am fine and happy and living in the moment, appreciating what i have and feeling positive about our time to try and getting my two babies. then i will start to worry about my age and want to try before i turn 35 and as soon as possible. i worry about it taking months or years or not happening. i worry about not having the resources i do now to help me determine issues. i worry. i worry. i worry.

i am trying to live in the moment and not worry but when i read articles like this it's hard:

http://www.globalnews.ca/pregnancy+past+35+puts+firsttime+moms+and+babies+at+increased+risk+study/6442482653/story.html#ixzz1ZIF3tysy

at least i have a wonderful husband who loves me. that is the main thing i have to focus on. he absolutely does not want to start trying before we move and even then he said we can only start if he has a job and we have heath insurance. 

i am taking a blood test version of the fertility test next month. i took my second over the counter test and although it read negative there was a test line there. it wasn't as dark as the control line which means negative but it was close enough that it made me want to check my ovarian reserve in a more reliable manner. so here is hoping that my period comes liike clockwork and i can take the test at the end of this month. halloween should be the third day of my period. you can only take the test on the 2nd or 3rd day so if my period comes a day early like it did this month then i will have to wait till November.

i hope all of this concern is over nothing and that we have no issues at all with conceiving healthy babies. it's just so hard not being able to know either way.

i shall try to better meditate through it and enjoy getting in shape and preparing for our honeymoon. not much else i can do. i hope 8 months from now i am announcing that i am pregnant. we shall see. we shall see.