OBSESSED

I'm here on CD9 and I am just losing my mind with impatience!!! I wish that I could live on the moment more and not be so obsessive and insane about this. I keep hog in back and fourth in my head. Worried it will be hard this time. A twinge of fear of starting it all over as well. Mostly I just want to be pregnant again so I know that I can conceive and them hopefully have a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy little baby. That would be ideal. I would love to be a first month girl. But I know that's not a super realistic thing . So iVe made a little list of things to console me should I not get pregnant this month (or consecutive months). Here is my list:

MORE UNDIVIDED TIME WITH MY SON

As much as I want a sibling for my son I am also a bit sad to see him lose my focus. I know he will adore having a sibling and I will love the dynamic between the two but it does help to think that each month I don't get pregnant will be another month just he and I where I can lift him with abandon and just be all about him.

MORE TIME BETWEEN CHILDREN MEANS MORE TIME WITH A CHILD AT HOME

Okay so this one is a bit babyish on my part I know but I am so sad at the thought that this will all be over someday and my babies will leave me. I know I have 17 years or so but realistically my son will probably begin to pull away at 12 or sooner so that's maybe 10 years. Then that's 12 from now with a new baby. So each month that passes means more time with a child in my life. Knocking them out too close means you kind of have to watch them fly away at the same time virtually.

MORE TIME TO ENJOY BEING SONEWHAT CAREFREE

I will have to be a bit careful during times when I might be pregnant but in general I will be able to continue to be wild with my body and eat and drink things I like. Fling my son around. We can go hiking. Pregnancy can be a precarious thing and I am not the type who can take chances. For me it would mean a lot more caution in my step.

MORE TIME TO PREPARE

Mentally, emotionally and physically I can get myself more ready for another pregnancy and baby.

ENJOY THE MOMENT

I can try to really enjoy this time instead of being wrapped up in all that is ahead

Naturally I have fears if it takes a while. I'll worry about my fertility and my dream of being a mother again and having a sibling for Tor might feel threatened. I'll worry about getting older and Tor getting too old to be close with his sibling. I'll worry about the toll it might take on my husband and still having to work overtime to keep him on board. I know he won't be willing to go the extra mile of adoption or IVF so our conceiving naturally will be important.

That said I also stay positive by reminding myself how good my life has turned out.  I HAVE A CHILD! He is perfect in every way and so many will never be so lucky . I also have a wonderful husband who I love and  enjoy. He drives me nuts sometimes but in the end he really is my best friend and someone I to cant live without. I get to grow old with him and we get to have many chapter together even beyond children I hope, we get to be in love and have love in our lives. I don't want to be a mother of just one and I don't like the only child idea for my life but I also can't deny the good fortune I have or lose sight of that. There is too much good in my life.