well there are good days and bad days. today is a bad one. i spent all day on the TCC over 35 and Pregnant over 35 boards. i viewed all the posts starting from oldest to newest in an effort to gauge how many of the women who were trying became pregnant and how long their journey was. no good.
the average journey seemed to be over one year with many utilizing clomid or IUI or IVF in order to get there. some couldnt at all. i know this may not end up being me. i know that two of my friends got pregnant very quickly past 35. i know that lookin at the boards only makes my stress levels worse. but i can't help it i am scared and a little angry even.
i dont care about my god damn fucking retarded honeymoon. i could give a rats ass if i am skinny for it or that it might be my last change to frolic on my own. i dont give a shit that we have to find jobs and move and get life in order. all i care about is the fact that every month that passes is another month i could be trying to get pregnant and perhaps become closer to reaching that goal or finding out if there are gonna be any issues,.
if there are issues i will HATE these months that i wasted thinking naively that i should wait because id probably become pregnant right away and we have so much to do. what if i dont and i end up wasting 7 fucking extra months i could spend trying to achive a dream that, lets face it, unlike a stupid honeymoon or a stupid job, it has a real time limit and a rest of your life impact. god willing i will have two kids. but i need to get started and who knows what that will entail financially or otherwise.
I AM TRYING TO MEDIDTATE. I AM TRYING TO CALM DOWN AND STAY IN THE MOMENT. BUT I HATE THIS! I AM DEPRESSED WAITING TO 7 MONTHS TO EVEN START! and i am afraid to talk to my husband about it. he takes it for granted that we will get pregnant right away. but everyone thinks they will.
i could never get myself to trick him, i just don't have it in me. but lord oh lord i wish i could sometimes. i just wish my sponge would stop working and get me pregnant and then neither of us would have to feel responsible but we would have a baby on the way. i wish we could fucking get started. i hate advanced maternal age. i wish i had known all the variables sooner and how horrible it is.
i know this is just a bad day and perhaps i will feel fine in the morning but right now i just want to sleep until i can start trying or start trying NOW! immediately. this matters to me more than anything. if my husband didnt matter to me more than i would just say fuck it but he is the only thing stopping me because he is the only thing that matters to me more than my diminishing chances to conceive. of course i also kind of hate him for making me wait and for taking it for granted that we will just get pregnant or putting other worries ahead of that. i am super depressed. suck fest. :(
gonna try meditating and i hope i feel better tomorrow. this is a private hell.
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