it's funny because as much as i do feel ready for motherhood and excited and find it hard to wait in some ways, i am also realizing the many benefits and obstacles that make it not only a necessity to wait but an advantage.
the first and most fun reason is my honeymoon. my husband and i decided to have our honeymoon in December in order to allow us to take an extra week (it will be three total) off from work and to save up more money. I am not only thrilled and excited beyond belief to be going to South East Asia but i am fully aware that once i am pregnant and we are parents traveling will be a lot more difficult, expensive and scary. It's hard enough to leave our sweet kitty boy behind. leaving a child, even with the most wonderful grandparents alive would be trying. then there is the obvious reality that the most uncomfortable way to spend ones honeymoon would be pregnant. not only would it make south east asia a really difficult if not impossible choice but it would make me feel too much like shit to enjoy it in the way it was meant to be enjoyed. i am anxious for my baby and worried about my advancing maternal age, it's true, but my honeymoon is an awesome incentive to waiting that's about more than just everyday life demands, but instead FUN. i guess i wouldn't mind if we conceived ON the honeymoon but that is looking less and less viable because of my next reason....
MONEY. this is never a fin one and i do not in any way fall into that category of people who think that you should risk your shrinking fertility or the possibility of having a family because you don't have ever duck in a row. it's a cliche but lets face it, no one ever really is ready to have kids in that perfect way. it's something you throw yourself into, it seems. in fact, much like life after being born, it is thrust upon you. that said i do believe, much as i do with pre conception preparations of my body and health, that the more you can prepare and rule out surprise costs or issues the better. while i am impatient and nervous about waiting i also recognize that every month i have is a chance to save more money and possible make things a bit less difficult financially. sometimes thats hard when i feel bored and want to send money in order to entertain myself or provide a distraction on my way to things like the honeymoon, the move and the sweet babies i plan to make and nurture for the rest of my life. i keep my eyes on the prize though and remind myself that we will be able to provide and even better life for our children if we have more of a nest egg.
Moving. this is another thing that i wish we could just up and do now but the more i think about it the more i realize that nothing is better than a chance to save up and close loose ends before we move. Additionally, we are gonna really want a chance to say a proper goodbye to the big city of new york and all of our friends and family in it. it is one of the hardest things about leaving. my husband made it very clear that this is not a city he would like to raise a family in and with good reason. it's expensive, polluted, overcrowded and there is no space for a yard or the kind of freedom we were both lucky enough to experience in our childhood. i also find that children who are raised in new york city grow up very fast and miss out on a lot of the silly naivety of childhood. i don't want our children to grow up passing crackheads and yuppies on their way home from grade school. i love the melting pot that is new york, i find it valuable and i do hope our children will experience that in their lives but i'd like it to be at such a time as they are old enough to be less frightened or traumatized by it. every dark thing we see as a child can be misinterpreted and influence our whole lives if we aren't able to provide some subtext to the human journey. i know that sounds corny but i think it's important to understand life a bit more before venturing into it's darker places.
enjoying being young and hot. this isnt to say that i will instantly become old and matronly or lose my sex appeal with motherhood. i think that motherhood is sexy and so are daddies. that said, the more ego driven version of vanity is about the very superficial things like style, muscle tone, vigor. i understand that it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain the same level of personal style and attention to ones appearance when parenting calls. i don't plan on letting myself go and i think that exercise and putting some effort in to appearance is a necessary and healthy goal for a happy life and self esteem. it's just gonna have to be simplified. no more productions. so, in knowing that i am making an effort to enjoy these remaining months of vanity and self-centered primping and pampering.
Mr. and Mrs us. i really don't think that my husband and i have to worry about not getting to enjoy being together just us. i feel like we have both enjoyed a lot of wonderful romance and experiences together that have been just us for almost 3 years now, and a condensed three years at that. i guess that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the remaining days of it though and relish them. i mean, i hate the idea of being a fear monger where parenthood or adulthood or any of the rites of passive to being a fully rounded human being are. i tend to be annoyed with the self-centered arrested development that has kept most men and many women too in this head space that makes them afraid to give up anything or grow up or make any sacrifices. it's a very new york, sec and the city, yuppie type of attitude that i detest. i do feel that we should face things and be positive about them and not freak out about all the sleep and freedom and toys they will miss out on. especially since it seems like most of these people are actually just living the same mundane, unchallenged and comfortable lives they have been for 5 plus years. people freak out about losing the chance to do things but then they don't do any of them. they just like having the option. meanwhile life passes by. that's not what concerns more or something i worry about giving up. i just want to enjoy this time, not because we are awaiting some death sentence but because it we take it for granted now and if anything the exciting prospect of things changing and becoming parents only resembles death in that it reminds us to appreciate every portion of our lives. if we never died we would not value our lives. if we never became parents we would not appreciate the time leading up to it. so this time is meant for truly enjoying what would otherwise be an endless drudge of an existence. it's like enjoying your teens before your twenties. i am enjoying the twilight of this chapter while still anticipating the next one.
Time will fly is i have fun: making the most out of life and particularly a life which does not demand very much of me at this point is a beautiful thing. yes, i am longing for motherhood but i also know that the less i enjoy this time and the more i rush to the next step the longer it will take to get there. a life that is enjoyed and taken full advantage of tends to fly by if we make everyday count. i am not about to waste any of it.
truthfully, the only thing that makes waiting hard is the fear that it could take a long time. not knowing if i am fertile or will have fertility issues is a scary thing. i think i could easily deal with waiting till i turn 35 (though not much longer than that) if 35 itself didn't feel like it was the beginning of this huge descent in fertility. that is the hardest part. what if it takes many months or years? what about the very common secondary infertility? what about the fact that there is another great descent at around 38? having children is my dream. two healthy beautiful children. i am already pushing it age-wise so we definitely must get cracking and soon. there is no doubt about that. but i will enjoy these days and keep the faith.
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