tough day today and lats night. i must admit that i am feeling very scared i wont be able to conceive quickly and easily and it is making me feel really depressed. my husband was privy to my being withdrawn last night and he pulled it out of me despite my not wanting to talk about it just yet: i want to try sooner than our agreed upon time frame. Ideally after we return from honeymoon. He was calm but upset and went for a walk.
When he returned things were peaceful and i told him that i understood his feelings too and it wasn't like my apprehension wasn't due to the fact that i knew it was asking a lot and that he might not agree to it. it's more than just the very real readiness and the yearning, i am scared it will take months or maybe even years and i really want at least two children. I will be grateful for only one but i will hate myself and always regret not trying sooner if i can't have one let alone two because i waited. Adoption is wonderful and something i am open to but it's very hard for a family of modest income to adopt and that process can also take years and not always find an infant. it's something id love to do but it's not my first choice.
my husband got very upset though and what really hurt me is that he started to make it personal. he told me he sometimes feels like i don't care about him but only his sperm. that he has been replaced or over ruled by this idea of motherhood and our not even yet born baby. I told him that i was happy to do whatever i could to reassure him and to make him feel more loved if i could. lately i have definitely been craving more romance between us and i feel like we both have been a bit lazt with eachother. That said: his observation was not only threatening but completely out of line. to decide that my longing and urgency for a child excludes him or demotes him is not only hurtful but it is like asking someone to choose keeping their left leg over being with you. No, not because you NEED a left leg to live, and NO not because they NEED you to get rid of that leg in order to survive. It's a choice. A selfish and inconsiderate choice. and i was upfront with him from the beginning of our 3 years that i not only wanted to have kids but i would want them very soon because my age is a factor. i didn;t even know how grim it was statistically back then or i probably would have asked sooner at the time. but he never had anmy doubt in his mind that i needed someone to want this to in order to proceed and that without that it was a deal breaker. he asked me point blank 'this isnt gonna havppen but hypothetically if i said i absolutely did not want to have children would you leave me?" it made me cringe then when i told him "you would give me no choice. i would have to leave but it would be horrible." he said "great good to know where i stand." and acted like a wounded puppy. actually it was worse than that. he had this quiet disappointment. it made me sick and makes me even sicker and more angry to think of it again. what an asshole!!! i told him point blank that i would leave him if he cheated on me too. i wouldn't want to but i would feel betrayed and i would feel like i couldn't trust him. like the vows he made to me meant nothing. it's that same thing with children. in his vows he vowed to check on our children at night. it's not only a disgusting thing to try to make me feel guilty or to feel sorry for himself because i won't stay with him even if he abuses my trust and wants only a selfish life. it would be fraud and a total lack of respect for him to turn around and decide something so huge when he knew it was important to me. then he told me he felt like he was not only going to be losing all these freedoms but was also losing his wife even before the fact. that he hates who i have become with this baby fever. i can meet him halfway on that one, and i would like to make sure that my yearning doesn't prevent me from being a loving and attentive wife and partner to him but i also feel like i have been and like he is essentially telling me that unless i stay exactly the same with exactly the same priorities my entire life i am not the woman he married. that's a tall and unfair order. we both are changing and have changed over time. my vision for us is that we support each others dreams and work hard to be honest and open and respectful. that we will create a beautiful family and be warm and cozy and loving and always hold each other and our family as above all else in importance. that things like the ability to be selfish or only care for each other will be outweighed by the ability to be wonderful and nurture mother and father together and create love and stability not just for each other or for ourselves but for our offspring. he asked me if i would use a donor to have a baby if he left me and i told him i would but it would be the last resort and i would be heartbroken and feel saddened in doing so. oh i feel so distraught just thinking of all of this. even though he reassured me that its not so it made me feel so uneasy and so much like he sees this as only for me and that i see it that way too. i see this very much as a shared experience. i wanna cry thinking about it.
later i walked to work with him and he was sweet and softened, he told me that he does want these things but just wants to do it right and not have to rely on his folks or anyone. i told him i can understand that but that to me it was more important to have our babies than to have everything laid out perfectly and i truly believe that people rise to the occasion when push comes to shove. i told him i understand and respect his fears but it can't be something we take for granted where my fertility and time are concerned. i know his mom and dad had to move home and his dad built his empire slowly. my parents, god bless them, were just free wheeling the whole thing. i don't like either of those scenarios ideally but i still think both were, and i know our parents do too, 100% worth it. i think we would fall somewhere in between too. i know we could never be as laid back and willy nilly about it as my parents but i also know we will strive not to have daddy working and traveling too much even if it means our resources are a bit tighter or more modest and creatively attained. as they say there is never a good time to have a baby.
so here we are. i think we will be okay and we will both be happy with the ends but it's very hard. i am gonna try to temper myself as best i can. i still feel uneasy about some of his comments and perspective but im hoping that will dissipate. No one every said it was easy.
Husband was cute towards the end of our walk and told me he loves me so much and that maybe if we find jobs and he has insurance we can start right after the move. i could see in his sweet face that he still had some anxiety but he was trying and i loved him for it. then he started worrying about prenatal care and i told him i would look into it and i have. it's not that expensive if you go to a midwife and there are many options for the insured or the uninsured to consider. i don't think we will need to ask his parents for anything and we will exercise everything other option before doing so but i do know they will help us anyway no matter what our situation and i am grateful for that. they helped us so much with the wedding and in retrospect id rather it be towards something like this than a big party (though i do not regret one moment of our wonderful wedding).
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