Ya gimme...Fever

i never really thought of myself as one of those baby freaks. i always knew i wanted to be a mom "someday" but the abstract version stuck around for a lot longer than i would have expected. I started feeling like motherhood was a priority for me right around age 31. I met my ow husband at about 6 months in to 31 and it was important for me, especially because he is 5 years younger than i am, to put the breaks on things a few weeks in from the full steam ahead love fest. i basically explained to him that i need to be with someone who wants the same things as i want and understands that while that doesn't mean tomorrow it is a lot more defined than the "someday"s of our twenties. He jumped on board and the love grew. We are now happily married and building a beautiful life together.

what i find strange though is the change in me. I am 34 years old now and somewhere in the last 6 months i noticed that i went from the "someday" of my twenties, to the "someday soon" of my early thirties, to the now very palpable" this longing for motherhood is inconsolable" and "i want my baby damn it", urgency of my fast approaching mid-thirties.

baby fever is a funny thing because it really does seem like a joke or a funny stereotype, like women being shoe crazy or teenagers loving to talk on the phone (though im sure it is texting now and i am showing my age). The point is it seems like a funny thing that you will experience only mildly, if at all, until it happens to you. I can only speak for myself really but for me it has become this empty space inside, this yearning heart beating through my ribs and skin and out of my chest. My first thought, and the thought of many, might be that i am just bored, just another recently married woman who is now needing a new dream. I don't find that to be true though. I know myself and throughout my life i have always been a fairly selfish person. Up until very recently i thought of having a child as something more scary and more about sacrifice. i knew i wanted it and that time, along with my desire for at least two children, would require me to be on top of it but i can't say it was something i was looking forward to going through. I worried about the toll on my body, my ability to wear cute clothes, spend my money on myself and have adventures. I love sewing and shopping and all of those things but the plain truth is that i think i am over myself. Not to say that this isnt something that will fullfil me in many ways and bring me great joy but it's beyond that. I am longing for motherhood, not as a personal project or because i am bored but as a natural progression  in my quest for a worthwhile existence.

i wanted fame at one time, then that changed and i realized that all i wanted was to find the love of my life, spend time with my family and friends and one day have a family of my own. in my heart of hearts i know that i am ready to be a mother. that's not to say that it wont knock me on my ass and blindside me. i am naive to everything but my own naivety where motherhood is concerned. i just know that i am up for the challenge. much like i felt with my husband "it just feels right this time". it's so much deeper than a to do list or your average resolutions. to me it's about the meaning of life. i want to learn from life and i want to share what i have learned with new life. i want to nurture and give and experience the level of intimacy that only parenthood can offer. i know with my husband a level of love and intimacy that is matched by none prior. i feel that our family, including our sweet first baby boy, our kitty B, will be the most amazing life-force and team of life warriors.

so now we wait. there are a lot of life adjustments we have to make in order to prepare for our steps towards parenthood. they include a month long December honeymoon in South East Asia (last chance to really throw caution to the wind), moving to a new state,  that means that we wont be starting the actually procreating journey till sometime next year. not sure exactly when but definitely by my 35th birthday next spring. that is so very soon and i do feel lucky to have many months to plan but MAN ALIVE this fever is making every day feel like an obstacle rather than an opportunity. that's why i decided to blog about it. i realized that i need an outlet for all my dreams, obsessions, excitement and frustration.Luckily i am a planner and i enjoy nothing more than planning and dreaming and trying to create what i envision for myself. similar to my wedding, it never turns out exactly like you thought it would but usually that is a good thing. the lessons we learn along the way. the hard times and the fun moments of spontinaity are inevitable. that's what i try to remind my husband when he becomes fearful that i am planning to many details for a trip we are taking or anything we decide to embark on: really even the best laid plans will see their fare share of hitches.

when you are ready for something this life changing it can be hard to wait to truly get the ball rolling. but, despite my feelings i do know there is value in these days and there is much to take advantage of and experience before embarking on such a selfless and unpredictable endeavor as parenthood. Here we go!